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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We are both 29 year old. We both currently live with family in order to save up money as well. He is actually looking to purchase a home within the next year or so due to certain circumstances (long story but he has only a year or less). He doesn't want to spend money living in an apartment if he doesn't have to. We pretty much live together on the weekends and see each other once or twice during the week. It honestly is the best relationship I have been in..it just fits and everything seems to fall into place when I am with him. He is very loving towards me, contacts me often, affectionate, genuine to other people. I just know in my heart he is the best person for me and the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. We don't have these long winded discussions about our future but we do say to each other in a sweet voice how we love each other forever and ever. He has said that he knows in his heart we won't ever be apart. Little comments or jokes have come up such as by the time we are married we are gonna be 300 lbs due to certain junk food we have been eating. He mentioned one time that he kind of figured when he got the house that I would be coming with him. He also mentioned he knows it is a big step because most couples start off in an apartment together, not a house. One time I mentioned maybe he should look at open houses himself and he said he doesn't need a 3 bedroom house if I wasn't going to be there in the future, he could just get a condo.Realistically i understand him being practical with us not getting a house financially together. It's been a year, we aren't engaged yet etc..I can't afford to buy one on my own right now and he is looking to do this soon so he doesn't spend money on an apartment. He said he wants to work alot of OT so I don't have to worry about that. In my mind I know he is just being smart and wants to be the sole owner of the house for now which is completely fine with me.I guess I would like to be engaged before moving in or atleast one year after. I don't want to live with someone for 2 or 3 years and not have a committment. He did mention one time would you really want me to ask you for financial help if I didn't have enough for a downpayment etc before our relationship was even progressing? So it kind of told me we won't be engaged within the next year. I would just like the gesture of committment. I also know he is very concerned with saving right now so I don't see him purchasing an even practical priced ring for me right now.It's on my mind but I also feel in my heart it will eventually happen. I am just not sure if I should just continue with the easiness of how things are now and not complicate or rush things by adding pressure. It would basically be me asking i would like to be engaged before moving in or within 6 months after etc.Should I just let things ride out for now and see what progresses? Is this leading towards marriage?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Oh, one more point. HIS self-imposed financial deadlines should not determine the course of your life, without your full and consenting participation. In other words, just because he wants to do something doesn't mean you have to move in with him without "the talk."
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2013):
"He mentioned one time that he kind of figured when he got the house that I would be coming with him."
He's buying a house for himself at this point. He hasn't actually asked you to make the move in commitment nor has he asked you to marry him. It does feel a bit early, at only a year of dating and the fact that you haven't had one of those long-winded long term planning type of talks. {"We don't have these long winded discussions about our future but we do say to each other in a sweet voice how we love each other forever and ever. He has said that he knows in his heart we won't ever be apart. Little comments or jokes have come up such as by the time we are married we are gonna be 300 lbs due to certain junk food we have been eating.") By the way, that last comment on your weight is a veiled hint that he's concerned you are getting too big. Pay attention!
I don't see why you can't continue to date him. Just be aware that he's proceeding on his own plans and hasn't actually included you in the planning process.
If he expects you to move with him, then why doesn't he ask you properly? That seems very odd. Maybe he's just fantasizing a bit when he makes those future-looking comments and doesn't actually have the intent yet. He thinks he's leaning that way but hasn't really fully committed.
I would bide my time and allow him to do whatever it is he wants to do with his home purchase. I would also NOT move in with him unless some deep, wide-ranging and thorough discussions have happened between you two and you are both on the same page.
It does sound like he's taking you for granted, just a bit. I'd hold out for more definitive commitments from him before changing anything in my life for him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2013):
 What is the difference from you spending the week-end and a couple of nights together to him OWNING a house and you staying there a few nights a week.
If you aren't ready to move in - tell him. T don't see there is anything wrong in talking about how you BOTH see commitment. For him it MIGHT be to move in together (and honestly, living together for a few years BEFORE deciding to get married is something I think is a good idea).
But to tell him, I'm not moving in without a ring on my finger? That.. my dear, is blackmail.
From what you write he seems like a really good guy. My suggestion is to keep it as it is for now. Go VISIT him for week-end and few nights a week. Him wanting to OWN a house should have nothing ( to be frank) to do with you. Now IF you want to move in with him at some point, then you two sit down and talk budget and expectations.
If it's only been 6 months I would say it's kind of early.
However, I DID move in with my first BF after knowing him for only 8 months - we were together for 4 1/2 years. The difference might be though, that I didn't have any wishes to get married back then - I was only 19-20. I was in no hurry for that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): You sound like a smart lady. You feel something that doesn't feel right and that means something. Should you move in? ARe you financially stable? Can you support yourself and your partner (should he not have a job or loses his job). How about utilities? And food? These are the things you have to think about and that also includes gas for the car and necessities.From what I"m understanding, it sounds like he wants to buy a place regardless. Now the problem is you want a commitment no matter before moving in with him. If you say he is what he is, then talk to him about your concerns. Tell him that you want to get engaged before moving in with him. Any couple should be able to discuss their thoughts and feelings - especially something that's that important to them. I also wouldn't move in with him. I would not commit any monies to his purchasing a home if you are not living with him whether full or part time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 You say you want commitment before you move in together.
Ummm lets see,
This guy is loving, responsible, hard working and focused on the future.
This man is in love with you and sees a future for the two of you.
You say it's the best relationship you've ever been in.
The man is BUYING a house, not wasting money on renting, but BUYING and get this, he wants YOU (that's YOU) to move in with him!
I would say that that was a much bigger proof of commitment than a diamond ring!
My God this man is every woman's dream.
If he's this focused and determined (and it's brilliant that he is by the way) what makes you think that he won't propose?
Maybe he has a plan to do it romantically on an exotic holiday somewhere or has a ring in mind but it's a bit expensive and he needs to save for a house first!
He might be a bit old fashioned and want to prove that he can provide you with a home before he pops the question.
He might want to live with you for a bit to reassure himself that this really is as good as he believes before he plucks up the courage to ask.
A ring on your finger is NO PROOF or guarantee of a commitment. What your guy is currently doing is.
Be patient and appreciate what you have, marriage will come in time, I'm sure.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): Let him buy his house without you moving in. It sounds like he is set on buying a house anyway for himself regardless of whether he is in a relationship or not.
If he needs to assume you'll be living with him in order to decide how big of a house, tell him to just get a two bedroom place whether house or condo. That way he can live in it by himself without you (the spare bedroom comes in handy for when he has guests staying with him or it can be a home office.) And if in the future you move in then a two bedroom place is fine as a starter home.
Basically you shouldn't move in with him yet, its too soon. So he should buy his house assuming you are not part of the picture.
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