A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Could Somebody Please Help Me. I have been struggling with this issue for 2 years now and feel that despite trying to get help for my daughter and myself that there aren't any solutions and I feel that I cannot go on living like this anymore.I am the eldest child of a family who had a childhood of Domestic Violence. My father suffers with mental illness and my Sister and I were subjected to my Dad's verbal and physical abuse to my mother and I was also belted and whipped with an umbrella causing bruises which my mother didn't remove my father out of the home for. My Dad was released from a Hospital after a nervous breakdown and was told that he was fine. That night when I was 12 or so I was awoken by my mother's screams. I got out of bed and my dad was stangling my mother. I tried to get my Dad of my mum and he wouldn't let go. I went to ring the Police and my Dad had unplugged the phone. I eventually contacted the Police and went back to Mum who I thought was dead as she was on the ground having a Grand Mal Seizure. My dad was eventually taken away by the Police and taken to A mental hospital and locked ward. When he was released my mum let him come back home despite me begging her not to as my sister and I were very scared. We continued to live in fear that he would hurt her again and witnessed his abuse towards my mother and to myself for another 6 years or so when I left home. I was always blamed by my Mum and Dad and not my younger sister.I was is a relationship with a man for 4 years or so and had a daughter to him. He was abusive to me and when my daughter started to form an opinion and talk back to her Father he verbally abused her as well.Realising after much counselling etc that this was a contination of the Domestic Violence Cycle as hard as it was I attempted to break the cycle and asked him to leave as I didn't want my daughter to grow up in the same environment as myself.I have spent the last 3 years trying to rid myself of this man and have found that in doing so he has denegrated me in front of my daughter as he couldn't accept the breakup and the fact that I was trying to make a new life for myself and my daughter. My Mother condoned my relationship with my daughter's father despite this man being abusive towards me. My sister and my mother's verbal abuse towards me in front of my daughter also continued and exacerbated when I was tring to make a new start for my daughter and myself.As a result despite seeking counselling for my daughter and myself my mum, sister and daughter's father have continually put me down in front of my daughter for the last three years since I asked my daughter's father to leave.I have tried to cut them all out of my life etc but despite my efforts to help my daughter's and my relationship my daughter who is now 11 continually abuses me and I feel that my life is not worth living.I have tried to talk to my daughter about the way that I am feeling but she tells me that I am a nasty person, that I deserve to be abused and that I am a fat cow and a fu------ idiot. I am currently studying at Uni and have felt that I will have to defer and maybe go to the hospital as I fear that I may be on the verge of a breakdown as I cannot cope with this abuse anymore. My Psychologist tells me that I shouldn't defer from Uni and that it is one of the postive things in my life and an anchor for me.I feel guilty to say it but I don't know how much longer I can put up with being abused by my daughter, my mother, sister and my daughter's father without cracking up all together and having to drop out of Uni.I said to her tonight that I don't want her to live with me whilst she continues to abuse me in this manner. I am sick of all the supposed Psychologist's and Counsellors telling me that I have to wear the Adult Hat and ignore this behaviour. I have been doing that and giving Consequences for her behaviour and that doesn't work either. I thought it was unhealthy to suppress emotions and now I found that after suppressing my feelings about this abuse for the last two years that I can no longer just go along and endure any more of this.I feel that I walking on eggshells around my daughter just as I did when I was with her Father.'I don't want to live like this anymore but don't know what the alternative is? Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I feel pretty pathetic. I have also decided that life has little to offer me. I am not depressed in the true sense, dont have any real problems, am just fed up of living a pointless existance. I feel that I have to continue until my daughter gets married next year, for the families sake, but after that I am already looking at alternatives to the life I have.
I don't want people telling me that I have to carry on, get help etc. I just want someone, anyone to understand how I feel and not condemn me for it.
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 Get your daughter in to counseling now get away from that man try and get full custody get proof that hes a bad influence on her hell this post will probably due this is sad. if you want to save your daughter she needs counseling and to be away from the negative influences.
But sadly it may be to late your daughter seems to have no control at 11 years old the damage may be done and irreversible i dont kno but she may be to far you may have to cash in and save your self in fact maybe you should just take a retreat let her father take her and you take care of your self for once you seem like a good person in a bad place.
Please stay in school you need to continue doing something for you. you could try getting some faith it cant hurt. My advice get out get out now cut them all out of your life even your daughter if you have to. you wont be good to her if you have a breakdown any way.
Normally i would say just spank her but it wont work in your case she has some issues and needs professional help there is help if you act rte now good luck please get an account and keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): threat to your daughtr**
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): I am sorry you are going through this, it must be extremely upsetting.
Your daughter has always been around abusive people, especially your family that is abusive towards you so she has grown up thinking that it is OK to behave like this, when it's not. She needs help just as much as you do. Clearly your family do not realise the impact their behaviour has had on your daughter, they're very disrsespectful and spiteful, to say the least.
If you give up on your daughter she will only spiral out of control, more so if you let her live with her dad. Perhaps she could see a child psychologist or therapist, or someone that deals with child behaviour problems. You can't live in fear of your daughter, she needs to give you respect.
Try to remember how it was like when you were 11 and growing up in an abusive environment, it sounds like your daughter is behaving in a similar manner to what your sister did. I don't want to say you're not an unloving parent, because you could be, but as you've grown up in an unloving home, perhaps you have unintentionally neglected your daughters emotionally needs.
I may be wrong, but if so, this and growing up to believe it is ok to be abusive could be the cause of her behaviour.
It may be tough but giving up on Uni and on your daughter isn't the solution, it'll probably make things more worse. Try to get your daughter to see someone about her behaviour problems, as she may need an outside person who she is not used to being around to make her see her behaviour.
I also think you need to cut your family out of your life. I don't know how easy it would be to move, if you could transfer to a different uni that would be great, but if not maybe you could wait it out a littler longer until your studies are done, and then move. If you try to cut your ex out of your life he may fight for custody, but if he's a threat to your dad, which it sounds like, this could be used as evidence as to why he's not fit to see her.
I'm sorry I can't offer much other advice, but I think legal and psychological help is in need here (other than your pshycologist). I wish you lots of luck, and if you don't give up, you can get through this and turn your daughter's behaviour around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Look I cant really empathise as I havent been there,
First things first, your daughter is still a child and despite the show she is scared and acting out.
Your Mum and sister and husband have their won problems.
My advice , defer, move and seek more counselling , if it isnt working with the person you are with now then maybe you need to move on from that counsellor, ask them can they recommend someone else.
I wish you luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel , one thing I would say though is that you do owe it to your daughter that there is another life, that it doesnt have to be abusive, i would not throw her out, id bring her with you.
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