A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at a crossroads at the moment and feeling very confused. I don't want to live at home anymore and I also don't want to live with my boyfriend. I don't know how to tell him that I want to get my own place...I think he's going to be devastated.So, I'm 28 and still live with my parents. I own a third of the house we live in and pay my share of the food and bills. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half and we have a good relationship. A while ago he started talking about us living together. Recently he's been talking about it more often and he thinks we'll move in together by the end of this year.I've been quiet on all this as I've been very confused as to what I want. Lately I've really thought about it and I've realised that I'm not ready to live with him just yet. I just feel like it's not the right time to make that step in our relationship. Before him I only dated a few guys and I never had a serious boyfriend. I feel like if I move in with him that's it for me. I'd feel trapped.I do love him and he's my best friend so it's not him or our relationship that's the problem. I'm just not ready.He's got it all figured out and thinks that we'll be living together by the end of the year. How do I crush his dreams? How do I tell him I'm not ready? I'm scared that this will change our relationship and that he's going to think I don't love him anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input guys.
CaringGuy, I've read your other answers on here and always thought you gave a really good insight into things. What you did with my 'issue' is a bit scary.
When I read the bit where you say "it struck me that in truth, you're not totally in love with this guy" I felt this sense of dread come over me. I don't want to admit this but you may be right.
It's also funny that you saif "there might be something else out there" because I had originally written something along those lines but deleted it to make the post shorter.
What you've done is really bring to light what I think I'm feeling deep down. It's just so hard to admit this to myself. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and treats me so so well...I just can't seem to let go of that. I honestly don't think I'm going to find someone else like that. The guys I dated before him all pretty much dumped me so now I feel like if I let my boyfriend go I'm just setting myself up for more heartbreak and frustration in the dating world.
I know what you're saying and sadly it may really be true but I just don't feel like doing something about it. I know he doesn't deserve this and I know that me keeping all this from him is going to hurt him but I still can't seem to make my mind up about what to do.
Some people would say to me that I have a caring and loving man who would do anything for me, so what more do I want. They would say that marriage and partnerships are not about the butterflies and feeling in love all the time.
Basically I'm scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it down the track.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 April 2011):
In life, I have found that the price of not being ready is that you have to face the fact you either have no claim, or that opportunities will pass and not come around for some time. For me, this has only happened on a tiny scale, and I've lost something.
For you, we're talking about a relationship.
This guy who you're with is ready for it. You're not. The price may be that because you're not ready, he may decide he has to move on. That's the chance you take. But in my opinion, it's a chance worth taking, because a major flaw in your relationship has now been highlighted. He is ready, you are not. That means you both have very different goals right now.
The most important thing now is to be honest with both him and yourself. You need to be honest with him, because if he has plans, if he has goals, then he needs to be able to make his own decision about where he wants to move from here. He may decide that he understands, and that he's willing to give you time. On the other hand, he may decide that he wants to be committed, living together, married and such - in which case he will have to move on.
You also need to be honest with yourself. I'm not sure you are being totally honest, in truth. When I read your post, it struck me that in truth, you're not totally in love with this guy. You seem to think that because you've not dated other guys, that there might be something else out there. You seem to want to be free to do more dating, and to live your own life. It seems to me that this guy is more like a second best than someone you truly want to be with. Is this so?
In the end, you need to do what is right for yourself, because in doing that you'll do what's right for him. If you decide for sure you are not ready, tell him that you are not ready. But be prepared for the fact that he may well decide he wants more, and if he can't get that from you, he may well have to get it with another woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): You are his girlfriend, not his wife--of course you should get your own place if you can and want to. You know exactly why you don't want to move in with him, so tell him honestly and gently. Tell him you really love him and value your relationship which is why you don't want to do something you're not sure about that might jeopardize the relationship. I know people whose relationships went downhill after moving in together, and don't recommend it if you're not married.
It's perfectly normal (and good!) to be in a relationship without moving in together--he shouldn't be having these expectations... of course, if it's because you (by not telling him otherwise) let him think you agreed with him about it, he'll be disappointed... but be honest with him.
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