A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:We've been together just over a year. I know he loves me in some fashion (I am one of maybe 3 people in his life that actually understands him and that he feels totally comfortable with). I asked him the other night if we were going anywhere with our relationship. He said perhaps. He asked what I thought. I told him that I do want to be married to him someday. He said he needs to get his finances straight first. I just wonder, if he has reservations about moving forward with me, do I continue with this relationship, waiting until he makes a decision. Do I give him more time to think about this? The longer we're together the more difficult it would be to break up down the road. But if he really loved me, why wouldn't he want to be together with me in the future? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
 He's hedging his bets. "Perhaps" "maybe" all IMO not good signs...
IF a man who wanted to marry you was asked he would say "YES WHEN I get the finances in order and this is what I'm doing to do so"
oh and BTW everyone "settles" Being with someone who is not perfect is fine. I have compromised on things with my man, he has compromised with me. I drive him nuts with things... the way i view the world, my ADHD, my inabilty to follow through on things.. makes him NUTS but he's happy and content... NO I'm not the ideal for him... NOT what he dreamed of in his life as having but I fit the bill ENOUGH that he's wanting to make his life with me now.
And I with him... he has a few faults... and I see them and accept them...
So don't think that your man "settles" for you... he just accepts that things are not perfect and he realistically moves forward.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): A girl I work with was telling me the other day how in love her boyfriend is with her. She literally said, "He would marry me, if that's what I wanted."
You should feel the way my co worker feels. Honestly, if you even have to question this, then it's probably just not the right guy for you.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (7 November 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question But what about that "perhaps"? Actually, just before he said that, he said "Maybe, maybe not". It wounds me to the core to think that he may not be considering a future together. But the day after that conversation I got to his house after work and he took my hands and held me and was just very tender for a change. He knows I adore him. I just don't want to be the one he "settles" for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Seems like he IS thinking ahead. He knows in order for him to be more "serious" or "commited" he needs to have his finances together.
Howevr I don't see anything wrong in asking how long that might take.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 He didn't say he needed more time to think about it. He said he needed time to get his finances sorted out.
Is there something else going on here, why are you in a hurry? Is there some reason why you can not wait until things are set and in order? Perhaps you will feel easier about waiting if he gave you some more solid confirmation? Talk to him again, and say that you will wait with marriage until he has his finances in order, if he can promise you that he has the intention of marrying you when the finances are in order, and also what he defines as "in order", and how far away into the future this might be.
Great and all that he feels totally comfortable around you, but do you feel totally comfortable around him? Make sure he isn't just some prize you want to claim, but someone you can actually be happy with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): I remember reading this book about relationships ('why men love bitches') and one of the "rules" (yes there are dating rules) in the book is that if after one year a guy has still not proposed, or brought it up, or talked about it concretely then, he probably never will. That's the rule. You could argue it's true, you could argue it's not. In a general sense, I agree with it, I loved the book, thought it was full of great advice and it was fun to read. So in my opinion it does not sound very promising. A year is a long time and if he had finances he needed to take care of what is taking him so long? A man who loves a woman gets things fixed and done real quickly. Maybe you need to become a little tougher on him. Don't forget, the Taj Mahal was built by a man for a woman. Men do amazing things for love. Don't settle. So if this guy loves you 'in some fashion' is that good enough for you?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 He never said that he does not want to be with you in the future did he? He said he wants to work on his finances at the moment and sort out his life first. That sounds fair enough to me. You have only been together a year, give it some more time before you try to start rushing him down the aisle. No matter what way you look at it he is being sensible looking to sort out his money first before getting married. These things should never be rushed. So if you are happy in the relationship and everything is going well then just live for the moment.
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