A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am looking for a bit of advice really. To be honest I’m not even sure what I expect from this. I’m currently in my late twenties and have been married to my husband for basically all of my 20s. When we got together he was fun and outgoing and wanted to do things and be social. Now he never wants to do anything at all. He’s incredibly jealous and I can’t even speak to other men without him flying off the handle. I am an incredibly social person, I love being out with friends and living my life but I feel so trapped in my marriage that I can’t escape.I feel like I need to be single to find out who I am away from my husband and to feel free.I love my husband so much and I don’t want to hurt him but I honestly can’t take living with someone so miserable, it’s crushing my spirit. Lately I have had feelings for another man, I have never cheated on my husband nor would I but I have these impulses.The other man I have feelings for is the complete opposite of my husband, he’s fun, outgoing and to be honestly a little bit arrogant.I don’t want to leave my husband for this guy but it shows me what I’m missing in my life. I don’t want another partner, I want to be on my own but I’m stuck and not sure how to approach my husband with this. He loves me so much and I don’t want to break his heart. Has anyone had any similar experiences and could give me some advice on how to approach this, my husband is an angry person (he wouldn’t hurt me but he’s so hard to reason with)Thank you so much
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female
reader, x3chelciemarie  +, writes (13 May 2021):
 I am going to be the odd person out in these answers. I noticed a lot of men commenting, but no women. So here is a female perspective. Like what a lot of others are saying, I would try to communicate your needs to him. If that doesn't work you can try couples counseling. BUT there is also nothing wrong with wanting to be on your own and experience life as a single person. I personally don't think any relationship lasts forever. If they do, that's amazing, but a lot of relationships (including friendships) have some sort of expiration date. And that's OK. I think a lot of people get stuck in the mindset and pressures that for a marriage to be successful it needs to last, but that's not true. People change, and life moves in different directions. If that direction is no longer together, than that is a new chapter in both your lives to discover. Good luck with whatever your choice is, but don't feel bad about wanting to see what life has to offer.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 May 2021):
 I think that before you give up you should at last try to salvage your marriage. You are only in your 20's, is your husband significantly older than you are?.
I that communication in the key here, sit down and have a chat together and try to get to the bottom of why the spark has gone out of your relationship. Suggest you do some activities, or go to places, or do things that you used to do when you first got together when things were exiting.
Maybe get some marriage help and advice on what to do. It could be he needs some extra help as is maybe going through some turmoil in his life that he is not disclosing to you.
As for this other guy, it always seems that grass is greener on the other side, but when you get there is never is. You will enjoy the honeymoon period, but a few years down the line you could find yourself in the same position your in now.
So i would give it one try to salvage things, but if you find he is unwilling to contribute to this marriage, and its you doing all the leg work then maybe it will be time for you to call it a day and get a divorce.
It least you can file for divorce knowing in your heart of hearts that you gave it a last shot.
By you own admission you say that you need to be single to find out who you are, and to feel free. In all honesty i think maybe that's where this is heading.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2021): He doesn't love you in a supportive, healthy way. He loves having you to himself. He wants you to be at home where you can't see or socialise with other men. That is way he doesn't want to go anywhere. He is jealous and doesn't let you talk to a man without becoming controlling and angry?!
This man is abusive. No doubt in my mind. I suggest that you read up on emotional abuse because that is what I believe you are dealing with here.
You say he wouldn't hurt you? Why would you even mention this if it hadn't already entered your head? Abusive men become more abusive as time goes on. The abuse usually escalates from emotional abuse and mental cruelty to physical abuse. I have lived this myself and I recognise the signs coming loud and clear from your husband. Educate yourself about abuse and then you can draw your own conclusions.
He is already hurting you by the way. Emotionally. And there is no point in trying to have a talk with a man like this. He already knows that what he is doing and the way he is behaving is wrong, but he CHOOSES to behave like this anyway and make you miserable, because it suits him and his needs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 May 2021):
 What else has changed since the start of your marriage? Has he put on weight? Has he had any major illnesses? Does he suffer with his mental health? Is it possible he is suffering from depression? Has he lost anyone close?
In your shoes, I would sit him down when he is not in a bad mood and say something like, "Do you remember how we used to go out and have fun? Do you miss those days? I do." Dig out some photographs from when you were having fun together and share them with him and see where the conversation goes. Maybe say "We've both fallen into a bit of a rut. Do you think we should both start making more of an effort to enjoy ourselves?"
Is he working long hours? Does he have financial worries? Do you contribute financially to the household?
There is very little information to go off in your post, hence the questions. You need to consider what is causing his change of character and how best to help him. If you try everything and still get nowhere, then you need to consider if this is how you want to spend your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2021): Are you absolutely sure you want to end your marriage just because you're bored? If he seems to be too much of a homebody, or lacks energy, seems to me you should to get to the bottom of why the guy doesn't seem to want to do anything? When is the last time he had a physical examination? Is he on prescribed meds with side-effects?
Review the following checklist.
(1). Does he suffer depression? (2). Are you on a tight budget? (3). Is he the only one working? (4). Is he trying to follow covid 19 health guidelines? (5). Is he unemployed, or a workaholic? (6). Does he work long work-shifts?
People exhausted from work and covid-anxiety can't really help that they're party-poopers.
If he has changed significantly, there's a reason. Talk about it. Unless you just have itchy-panties, and just need to sleep-around with other men.
Some people are just disillusioned by the state of politics and world-affairs. They're becoming cynical and withdrawn. Maybe you need to get him away from watching too much news and listening to those stupid conspiracy-theories bleeding allover the internet. It's sucking the life out of people; and making them dingbat-crazy!!! The internet and social media are the devil's weapons of mass-destruction!
You say he used to be fun and outgoing. Married-life, work, and paying bills seems to mature and age people pretty quickly. His purpose for getting married was probably to settle-down from partying or clubbing. It makes more sense to talk to the guy; and tell him what you're telling us. That he has become complacent, stagnant, boring, and too domesticated. You want to do things again...as soon as pandemic restrictions are lifted; and there's someplace to go, of course.
Sometimes your partner becomes less sociable and less prone to want to go-out; if they have to worry about your behavior. Drinking too much, talking too much, too flirty; or you simply behave badly and draw attention. These are pretty common reasons; but sometimes your spouse won't admit it. Knowing how you'll would react when criticized; and it would result in a big fight. Some people get tipsy, and make total fools of themselves, and become an embarrassing handful. They take all the fun out of going-out.
Recall any bad incidents or shameful scenes in the past?
You also mentioned he's jealous. Insecurity is a big-one too! Trying to muzzle you, and keep you under lock and key!
The past several months have been a constant wave of businesses opening and closing, due to surges in infections. Maybe you're feeling the effects of long-term covid-confinement; and need to break-out and get loose a little. Not everyone is reacting to the pandemic in the same-way. Some have become reclusive or over-cautious. Maybe it will wear-off as the weather changes and improves. We all seem to re-energize come spring and the summer months. The constant confusion of too much information, or disinformation, keeps people baffled and scared.
I think you're more or less tired of marriage; and you're getting that nasty little bug people get just before they decide to have an affair. For no other reason, but boredom with having the same partner; and thinking the grass is greener on the other side.
Sometimes this happens down the road, when one of the couple pressured the other into marriage too soon. The irony is, the "pushy-one" who rushed everything decides they miss being single and carefree. Once they realize how "boring" and restrictive marriage and monogamy is; and they get tired of having sex with the same ole person. Suddenly they're thinking like you are.
You made vows, for better or worse. That means you work things out. You communicate with your partner; and you try to reach solutions and compromises. You express your needs and desires to the person you have chosen to provide for them. You don't go looking for them elsewhere, when the novelty wears-off and you're bored.
You claim you love him, and all that stuff; but if you really read between the lines, it seems like bull manure. Said just so you won't be judged. You're checking-out other men; and you miss being single. Otherwise, you'd figure-out a way to get your husband more active and energetic again. At least to get-out and socialize; and have some fun...as married-people do it. Get inside his head. Keep your mouth shut and ears open long enough to hear his reasoning for being such a dud. Then discuss ways you can both help and please each-other as partners.
You do not need to go find another man; unless you can't work it out with the one you've got, my dear! He's not just a boyfriend, he's your husband. If you're checking-out other men to such a degree you think you're missing something, do you think he's too stupid to realize it??? If he's the jealous-type, he watches or notices your every move!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2021):
 Maybe what you need is a long chat with your husband. Don't bring up other men but bring up what you MISS in him, the guy he USED to be.
People change over the years, that is a given. But people who were very outgoing and social rarely turns taciturn and introverted overnight. So what was the event or events that changed him? Have you thought about that?
I get that HE loves you so much, but you don't seem to live him. It seems to me that you have fallen out of love with your husband because he no longer is the guy you fell in love with.
He isn't going to revert back to who he used to be because YOU want that.
And you have to consider that your marriage is a bit one-sided. HE is the one still loving you AS YOU ARE, not how he wishes you would be.
Yes, I can see why he is acting jealous even if that is a BAD thing. You are looking outside your marriage for what you want your husband to be. Unfair. TALK to your husband, perhaps try some marriage counseling if he is willing. If nothing changes then what? You are just young to play "the martyr wife" and stay in a marriage that isn't fulfilling for you? Because... he loves you?
I also get that you don't want to hurt him, but staying with him SOLELY out of obligation IS hurtful. It's pitying him.
If the marriage does not work and you two can't work through whatever is going on, then the two of you have to consider what then.
You say your husband is an angry person. Why is he that way? Do you know? Do you CARE? You will still have to sit him down and TELL him that you MISS the guy married.
Maybe instead of you running around with your "girlfriends" suggest HE and you can do things together. Doesn't have to be going out to dinner, it can be going to see a sports game, or a long walk on the beach or park, take a weekend and go camping, or renting a cabin/ B&B - something away from home with just the 2 of you.
There is no magic fix here.
And you need to rein in your "falling for" another dude. shut that shit down. That will do nothing GOOD for you or your marriage.
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