A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this might be sort of long, I'm sorry. I am 18 years old and I’m going to be a freshman in college (in the United States ) in about 5 months. Two years ago while I was on vacation in the UK , I met a guy. We liked each other a lot, so we decided to keep in touch. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a friendly pen-pal sort of thing.Over the past 2 years we developed some kind of close e-mail relationship. I grew to like him a lot, and I figured he felt the same way – everything was always flirty, he sent me gifts every so often, etc. But nothing ever really happened, because I realized that even though we’d been talking for 2 years, I didn’t know him very well since our only contact was through e-mail and letters.This year, I went to visit him in the UK for a week, and then 2 months later, he came to visit me in the US for about four days. And everything was wonderful. He was just as funny, sweet, and amazing as I imagined. We had a great time together, and he also told me that he had feelings for me. I won’t say I’m in love with him because I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I feel something very close to it. He’s just indescribable.So obviously the distance (UK-US) is a huge problem. My mom voiced a lot of concerns (quite rudely, I might add) about it too. I’ve not had much dating experience thus far except for a few flings here or there, and she’s worried that my first real serious relationship is going to be long distance and difficult. She wants me to go off to college with a clean slate, date around a lot, and experience tons of college boys. This isn’t exactly what I want, but it seems to make sense.I was trying to think of a solution to this problem that would make me and my mom happy, and I came up with one (sort of)…in my 2nd year of college I’m going to be studying abroad. I’ll be studying at a British university for one whole year. It’s basically a requirement for my major, so it’s definitely going to happen. So what I’m thinking is, for my first year of college, he and I should stay in contact. But, we won’t have an exclusive relationship (even though I really want it)…I’ll date around, experience some different guys, gain some wisdom, etc. But, I won’t commit to anything serious with any of these college guys. Then in my 2nd year when I go to the UK , if we still feel the same way about one another, then we can date. And when I go back to the US , I’ll be more than willing to do a long distance relationship.If I could, I would just date him exclusively right now. But I know that’s not practical because, as my mom made me see, I’m so young and inexperienced and he’s so far away. My idea seems like a good one to me, but I’m absolutely TERRIFIED that if I let him go now, by the time I get to the UK , he won’t feel the same way about me anymore. I’d be devastated if that happened. I’m just so nervous that by NOT dating him now, then over the course of the year, he’s going to move on and forget about me. And I also don’t think it’s fair to him to make him wait a year until I decide I can date him. If he wants to move on and have a committed relationship right now, he’s more than deserving of it. I don’t want to hold him back, but I also don’t want to lose him.I’m really lost and torn up and confused about this. I need advice badly!
View related questions:
flirt, long distance, move on, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): You shouldn't really be confused. You two have kept in touch, and have shown that you can go over and see each other.
"Dating around" is such a bad idea. It's like your seeing if you like anyone else and then he'll be second best when you can get to him. No person deserves to be treated like that.
Your mom needs to see that yes, you are young, but you obviously have feelings for him. A long distance relationship will be hard, but I don't understand why you couldn't just give it a try - it's better than being with men you don't care about just for the sake of it.
With the right support, and with the feelings there, this could be the start of a stable, loving relationship. Yes it will be hard, but if you care about each other enough you'll manage. You've stayed in touch for 2 years and not fallen for anyone else. Why should you now, when in a year or so you could be together?
I would never advise going off with other people to "gain wisdom." Think of it this way - how would you feel if it was the other way round and he said to you "well because we live far away from each other, I'm going to go out with other people for a while until I can see you."
It's unfair to treat people second best. I can see you obviously have feelings for him. Try talking to your mom
seriously about it - I'm sure if she sees how much you care about each other, you'll have her full support which will make the relationship alot easier.
Megan x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007): i think you should perhaps consider that if you "date around" while you are still just friends with him, it may cause jealousies and insecurity with him, and that may possibly drive him to another relationship with someone else. but it depends on what kind of person he is. talk to him and very lightly suggest your plan, but dont be surprised if hes unhappy with the idea of you dating other guys
...............................
A
female
reader, mum2be  +, writes (20 March 2007):
I can see that your confused... You need to think about your self for a mo... can you do the whole long distance thing? How will you know if you are going to be faithful to him in another country if you do?
I think, instead of leaving him in the dark, you need to try and talk to him about it... asy what you have said here, and work on your desicion together, that way, whatever YOU decide, he will not feel in the dark, and upset by it.
I hope it goes well for you
xxx
...............................
|
