| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: please help i am 19year old girl and my arranged marriage is getting closer and closer i am terrified and dont want to go through with it. i come from an indian family and my dad is very traditional and believes everyone in the west should have arranged marriages becuase the divorce rates are lower and people stay in proper families. he and my mum have met the man i will marry but i havent even seen a picture of him. i am so worried. i just finished college, i have normal friends, i liked to go out and wanted to date like everyone else. i do believe in my faith but i dont want to get married. i know that i will end up a housewife children and i wont get to go to uni. what can i do my family will disown me if i dont go through with it.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): You should call a support group, and get help. They can help you find somewhere to live and help with money issues.
Be brave and strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): hi there, i have been distressed by the idea of arranged marriage. Here in the uk, there are laws pending to stop it all together.
Despite being faithful to your religion, it is still deemed not right.
please call this number 020 7008 0151 (or 0044 20 7008 0151 if you are overseas)
Its from the foreign commonwealth office. they will provide you with information and advice and possibly ways out of this marriage going ahead.
Your education and life should be your utmost priority , what your parents and most people of this religion alike, who belive in this, dont understand very well, is that you have an entire life to get through, that there is so much time to get married and have children, which is why its so important to set your life up with education and good work prospects before even considering this way of life.
If you settle this soon into your life , before setting your life up, lets face facts, you will be on your own with about 5 to 7 kids round your ankles, no time for yourself, or friends, or family for that matter, while your husband works all the time to afford food on the table, the tiny roof over your head and tax/mot/insurance and petrol for the 60's style mini van that he can only afford to fit you all in when you really have to visit the clan of family you have between you both!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): hello my next door neighbour is a lovely man from India. He is about twenty five but he went to India to PICK a wife. I couldn't believe it. When she came back she was so scared. She isn't alowd to speak in english because it shows her education. She has had 5 children and now 17 of them (his parents etc.) live in a 3 bedroom semi. He is such a nice man that i couldn't believe he would do this.
I thought that at least she was lucky and he choose her though.
But she is still miserable with her life. You only have 1 chance on earth to live this life so you need to do the right thing. It is not fair if you marry this man. You would also be encouraging the behaviour of your parents and anyone else who believes in this.
Please go and get help and don't go through with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (2 October 2009):
If you are in the uk then you can call this number.
0207 008 0151.
It's a government group set up and designed to help people being pressured into marriage against their will.
It is illegal in the uk for your parents to put any kind of pressure on you to marry a man you do not want to be with.
Be strong and get help.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, tsukimoon  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 Well, I understand where you're coming from since I'm Indian as well and I've seen this happen so many times before. Does your family know that you don't want the arranged marriage? Do they know about your dreams to go to university?
You have to make it clear to them. If that doesn't work.. Will you be meeting the guy anytime soon? Then try making it clear to him that you don't approve of this marriage at all.
From what you're saying, your family seems really strict, but you know what?
Marriage is not something you just go through and get over with. It involves a lot of things.. its a long time thing. Ultimately, its you who is going to live with this man. So, you have to make the choice, even if the consequences seem scary!
Good luck! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): Hi
Okay, I too come from an Indian background!! ANd so do a lot of my friends. I know where you are coming from... Also, I think that you are too young to be married... it is wrong.... you should not allow to let your family do this to you!!!
This is the time that you take a stand and tell your father that in this age women are making their mark every where. Education does not mean that you are going to elope with someone and that no matter what... Independence is vital for any woman's survival. Tell him that you want to study further and that you want to prove that you too are as good as anybody. I hail from a semi-traditional family and there were a few issues earlier, but then I just had to hold my ground. It took guts... but i did it anyway! Don't think of alienating your father. Hey, do you have an aunt that you are close to, an older sister or a cousin that you are close to and who has studied and married late??? The idea that you should marry at 19 to have a secure life is ridiculous!!!
Talk. Be a little brave! Explain your situation to a sympathetic aunty or a grandmother, someone who can back you up.... I refuse to believe that your entire family thinks the way your dad does... Quite frankly, what is the point of all this... And to know that you haven't even seen his photograph... What does your dad think... that this is the black and white era and you are Meenakumari?? Seriously, stop suffering, gang up with all the women and just put an end to this charade. Think of Laxmibai, She fought to save her land, right??? This is your battle and it is equally important... meanwhile, the admission season is on, why not apply to a decent college... without telling you dad. If you scored good in your XII boards, admission shouldn't be a problem. Better yet, do it in a different city, and get in to a hostel, and don't fall for the 'family ki ijjat' crap!!! It's all bullshit. Everyone will understand... but our parents like to emotionally blackmail us as long as we let them. Get up and fight!!!
This one is for all the strong women that there are... Do not compromise. DOn't stress... just do it... with all your might and with conviction!!! Durga puja has just ended... where would the world would be, if goddess durga got married while mahisasur went about destroying the world??? Awaken you inner goddess the shakti and fight!!!! Resist. (you can do it politely, you know... they just need to know about your belief and strength)!!!
(hey, sorry for the overtly hindu analogies... I just like the story of goddess durga a lot... please don't take offense if you happen to hail from any other religious background)
Best of Luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (2 October 2009):
Can I ask where are you from?? Am just thinking if there is an organisation that you can contact - but depends where are you are.
May I ask also - have you spoken to your parents and expressed that you really are not ready to get married yet? That you would like to go to University first. Or are there other members of your family that you can confide in? My worry for you now is that as the wedding is getting closer and closer - there is no way that your family would want the shame of the wedding being cancelled at such a late stage. Hence - you really need to to talk to them asap
Am a British/Asian so I really do understand.
...............................
|
