A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have lived a heterosexual life and just came out of the closet a few years ago, not knowing I was even in. My experience so far has been quite challenging. I have a question but not sure if it's just the relationship I'm in or if it's me.I've been married twice and both times, my husbands wouldn't touch me. I don't believe in heterosexual intimacy outside of marriage but gave into it because I didn't want to lose my partner but when we got married...they refused to touch me. It hurt and it made me feel repulsive. Physically, I'm attractive I have been told. I'm not heavy, decent face, long hair, hygenically very clean, etc. etc. I'm a person who will go the extra mile to please my partner. Their needs have always come first and it didn't change after being with women.So now, here I am six months into a lesbian relationship with a woman that I dearly love. She's 19 years older but often behaves much younger in both good and negative ways. For six months I've been the initiater of intimacy and she says she is having the best sex of her entire life. She didn't know what an orgasm was before. I had been with other women but honestly, until her, I never understood what the thrill was of touching another woman. I thoroughly enjoy pleasing her and if there were any doubts of being a lesbian they vanished with her. She has been out all her life and has had long relationships. She has habits that are different than mine. I'm fairly square and she's more hippie, I guess. She's into pot, smoking, and some drinking...all of which I'm against and while I told myself I wouldn't ever get involved with someone who did these things, I fell in love with her before I really got to know her. I really like her as a person so I just ignore the habits as she doesn't do it around me.When we are together, I used to pay for everything. I used to take her out to fancy restaurants, buy her clothes (she picked them out) and cooked, etc. She never lifted a finger, not even in the bedroom, which soon got on my nerves. I let her know that it made me feel repulsive. She said she is attracted to me but that I'm so good in the bedroom that she feels inferior. I let her understand it's not about the climax, it's about expressing what she feels for me, and that I need her to touch me. She has started finally after 6 months touching me a little outside the bedroom but in six months only recently took the time to satisfy me. I thought perhaps we were turning a corner but it quickly disappeared as if it never happened. I know she craves my touch...I used to crave her as well but something inside of me just died inside. I've come to learn that words don't mean anything unless actions follow and if I were to listen to her words, I would know she loves and cares about me. But, actionwise...it feels very platonic other than her desire for me to touch her. She doesn't seem to have the need to touch me back. So something shut down really deep inside of me. Now, I find I hide my feelings but still satisfy her although, she complained that the romance is gone. It would have been a perfect opportunity for her to help with the romance...but no, nothing. It's all up to me. It's always up to me. She finally helps around the house a little but still refuses to cook a meal and it seems impossible for her to put a dish in the dishwasher although, she will rinse it. Everyone keeps telling me she is using me and I just don't want to believe it. I don't have much money but what I do have I am quick to respond to anything she might want or need if I can...although, she never asks. She loves that I'm generous. I am generous because I honestly care...not out of obligation. She makes more money than me but her funds go to her and her animals....although, lately, she did start purchasing me a few snack items.So here it is...soon to be Christmas. She's not used to buying presents but she did get me something. I am thrilled in one way but feel bad in another as I don't want her to spend anything on me that she can't afford. I've spent well over a month's income on her for Christmas....one because there was something she was in desperate need of and the other is because she is always so jealous of everyone that I wanted to get her something personal to make her feel secure. Although, after tonight, I don't know if anything will make her feel secure.She's an extremely jealous person and I go out of my way to the point of walking on eggshells now to make her happy and to not ruffle her feathers.The intimacy has come to almost a stop except I now seem to as I say, perform out of "duty" and because I do care about her but knowing she won't touch me back has taken it's toll on me. So, tonight, she finally did give it a try by touching me with her hand but it felt so unnatural and frustrating that I finally removed her hand and told her it was okay. She felt rejected. I didn't mean to reject her but her hands on me felt like a total stranger. I realize had she bothered to take the time earlier in the relationship to get to know me, she'd probably know how to touch me by now but she doesn't have a clue and guess what...I'm clueless as well. I'd gently help her but I don't even know what I like anymore because I've had to shut "myself" off so much that in one way it even "hurts" to be touched. I know it's not logical.She's a cancer and cries a lot and her emotions change every few minutes and as a libra who has the need to make my partner feel okay and loved, I try to meet all those emotions appropriately. I tend to be a fixer but I also know I can't fix everything. I've tried standing back to let her try to fix her own stuff but it seems that she expects me to do it. I know I can't do this for a lifetime so I have backed off a little but have not abandoned her. I would not do that. I want her to experience stability, love, loyalty, trust, pleasure and all the things she never really had in prior relationships. I want the same things as I never had it either but I have learned to not expect anything but just be pleased if something does happen.But, now, here I am writing to you and she is in the bedroom upset...she just came in from a walk in the snow in the wee hours of the morning after our "fight." We have verbal fights...this one there was no raised voices. Perhaps it was more a disagreement...not sure. We do more of that at bedtime now than making love. Each time it is her who starts it...I often wonder if it's because she is trying to distract or something which is fine but I have no need to go there. I'm just lost...I don't know what to do to help her or our relationship.Oh yes, her ex-girlfriend has moved in. She says those feelings are over with....they are just sisterly now but soon they will also begin working together full-time which is what first ignited them years ago. Yes, I have some insecurities but I cannot control anything nor do I wish to. I want her to be happy no matter what. I am adult enough to handle whatever happens although, I really don't want to be made a fool. Since she does express her complete distate to me having any contact with ANYONE other than my Mother and my child...I felt it was okay to express my concern lightly about the possibility of them rekindling.Not long ago we broke up and she made plans to date another but then we got back together. I never moved on. Which I thought was odd that she is the one so completely jealous all the time when it is she who was able to start moving on and it is she who has an ex living in my home....and the list goes on. I can't begin to tell how loyal and faithful I have been. On the outside...many have wanted my attention, have professed their desire to be with me, to have a relationship, etc. I carefully told her each of them as I don't believe in keeping anything from her but also let her know by my actions and my words that no one out there is a threat and that I'm not interested. In no way have I ever shared anything to rub her face in it or to make her jealous...solely to build her trust. But...she is a highly jealous and insecure person.So what do I do? I have not talked to anyone about any of this and it probably sounds whiny...I'm sorry...don't want that. I guess writing just seems to be a vent at the moment. But, please tell me what to do...how to make her feel secure, how to make her actually touch me since she "says" she desires to do so. I'm supposed to believe her but it feels like just words. So again...what do I do?I can't break up...it's Christmas time and I won't do that to her...she has no one. I'm also not the type to give up but work through. So what now???
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broke up, christmas, ex girlfriend, fell in love, got back together, her ex, insecure, jealous, lesbian, money, moved in, my ex, orgasm Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe left me in the wee hours of the morning just a couple hours after I had written. I'm devastated and I'm trying to pull myself together. She told my daughter that we split up because I was using sex as a weapon. That is such a weird thing to say since I was giving it to her freely and I even said we didn't have to be intimate. She broke up but left with all the gifts (except one) that I refused to let her take. They hadn't been opened yet but the one...if she had taken it, I would have felt like a fool since it was obvious that I loved her. It made me realize however, that she was just in it for the sex and the financial help. I feel so completely stupid, sad, heartbroken and just a fool. She said before she left that this is the reason why I didn't have a long relationship. I'm still trying to figure out what she meant because "what is the reason?" It's best that it is over but it really hurts. She is not my first love...that was even harder...when I give my heart I give it deeply but fortunately, this time, I didn't let her in my soul...I paid attention to the red flags and it's been an eye opening and painful experience to see how much people's walk do not fit their talk.
Still devastated...
Yes, I most certainly will look deep into myself to find out why I keep choosing partners that are selfish and only half in...who can't be real. My guess it stems from my Mother...never had her acceptance but stopped trying when I came out. It's been a practice my whole life to be the very best I can be for God, my partner and myself....but I'm floundering. Floundering terribly. I put myself under a microscope to try to figure out if my walk follows my talk...try to always do the right thing and yet...I'm still failing hugely. Why am I so unlovable? I do not mean this in any sort of self-pity type of way...seriously, I just want to know on a scientific level....why the heck am I so unlovable? Why am I the one when in a crowd that always seems to stand out (the ones people tend to avoid)... I'm not loud, overbearing but soft spoken, can have an intelligent engaging conversation...I do have opinions but keep them to myself unless I'm in a safe environment. I have high intelligence but don't look down on others nor do I use a lot of big words yet I have been told that my intelligence can make some feel a little inferior. That is something I don't understand on any level. I have also been told that I have a very old spirit and that my wisdom supercedes most people my age but obviously since I keep repeating the same failing relationships I'm not that wise...doesn't take much to figure that one out. Please help me with this...I'm so lost. I feel completely stupid.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): You sound like a very thoughtful, kind and loving person... and that you give with true sincerity and depth of your conviction. You are a unique creature nowadays. For the truly sincere person, it may be difficult to comprehend how people can live so convoluted. One foot in and one foot out. It is as if they are in a duality all of the time. There but not there. Always searching. Trying to find themselves... The mistake they make is that they are trying to find themselves everywhere except inside of themselves. It's here or there... in that person or the other... in that work.. in that distraction. Sometimes they are running from seeing themselves deep down. Sometimes there's stuff there that they don't want to see...
And that is why it becomes difficult to 'get real' with you. Because in being real with you she must be real with herself... and it is my guess that she has been running her whole life.
Many of your life's challenges have been associated with rejection. Now, perhaps that is something to really sit down and think about. Who are you REALLY trying to win over... In other words, what relationship was so damaged (perhaps when you were young) that you are constantly working out? Reliving?
We may not be able to get someone else to see themselves... or even get them to really look... However, we can. We can look into ourselves and figure out what we are trying to fix by entering into these hopeless relationships. Unrequited love...
In this ... lies your happiness now and in the future... so make the commitment to do the hard work in getting your answers. Free yourself from this lifelong pattern so that you can find true peace and fulfillment in your life ... because you really deserve it.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Hey. I think you have to break up with her and send her packing.shes using you while you watch.she brought a 'stranger' who hapens to be her ex in Your own house. You dont have to feel pity for her that she has no one, she has her ex that she invited to live in your house.she makes more money but stil expects expensive gifts from you, come on.this '19yrs older' is using you in a day light.she expects you to run the house chores: cooking cleaning and hell F**K HER. I mean please, open your eyes, she even forbids you to talk to other ppl other than your mom and kid; without her knowing.she even threatens to move on incase/right after break-up..
You deserve a loving partner who will respect you, who will allow you to be who you are,let you have friends without questioning it.you 2n do better without her. Merry xmas
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 I am trying to find the attraction here. It sounds like you guys have a bond, but there really isn't anything in common that is binding you together. Your sex life, from the sounds of it, sounds unfulfilling, she is a hippy type and you are straight-laced, she's 19 years older, I've got to ask, what is keeping you together?
It sort of sounds like you got into this relationship pretty seriously without first forming bonds / friendship. From your writing, it almost sounds like you are more into her than she is into you. Chalk it up to first-time lesbian love, perhaps.
I think you owe yourself some self-assessment and you are your partner need to have a frank discussion. Your first two marriages weren't satisfying and this relationship doesn't sound like it is working out for you either. Perhaps your current partner isn't the one for you.
You are free to work out and I think it can be salvaged, but something isn't right here. If she's been a lesbian all her life, she should know what she is doing in regards to pleasuring you (or at least coming close).
The ex-girlfriend also raises huge red flags for me. Just odd.
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