A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently developed a sort of fuck buddy type deal with a guy who I started out dating. Not serious dating or a relationship,but just dating as in going out for dinner and what not. I kind of got pissed off because he would want to make plans with me, and then would change his mind and make excuses why it wasn't a good day. So I brought it to his attention that I really don't like games and I didn't think we should worry about getting together anymore. He apologized and told me he really has too much going on to pursue anything serious right now,but we could still hang out.I assumed hang out meant sex (we had sex once before),and I said we could "hang out" until I met somebody looking for something more serious. So last night was the second time having sex,but the first time that I knew what exactly to expect from him. I was thinking if it's only going to be sex for us, there should be no cuddling,no hand holding,no being sweet or romantic,and definitely no sleep overs!Well,forget the no sleep over rule right out of the gate. He asked if I wanted to come over and if I could stay the night. I thought ok fine,I'm single and could use a little company on cold nights just like the next person. So I'll stay. He asked me to bring a movie. Again,straying from the topic at hand which is supposed to be just sex. So just to amuse him I brought a movie,eventhough I figured very little of it would actually get watched.I was right about that. We turned on the movie,and had sex. We went to bed,woke up a short time later and had sex again. We woke up early that morning...had sex. We went back to sleep,and had sex once again when we woke up. So lot's of sexual activity,which is good!But what I don't understand at all...is that he was ON me all night. I don't mean just an arm draped over me. I mean full on cuddling. And running his hands and fingers along my body,lacing his fingers with mine,random little kisses at night. This is great normally. But not in a sex based relationship. My idea is it should be about sex,and that's it. Or else things could get weird. I don't want to get feelings for somebody who really doesn't want a relationship. Nor do I want him to get feelings,but maybe he knows himself well enough that he won't get feelings? Should I talk to him about this? The sex is amazing,I don't want to sacrifice the sex by telling him we can't cuddle and sleep over,but I think it will mess things up if we make that a habit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2011): Thanks for all the advice. I really have never done this before so I don't know what to expect or how exactly it works,but I do believe some boundaries will need to be set. If not then somebody will be developing feelings,and since it usually happens to the woman (being me),I want to keep things as simple as possible to avoid any confusing feelings popping up.
But the poster who said I am allowing him to use me. It's not really so black and white. In a sense we are using each other..I go out on dates regularly with other people,because my goal is to find a comitted relationship. This was talked about before hand,and he is aware that is what I'm looking for....just not with him because he is unable to provide it. But there is sexual chemistry,and if I can still get my physical needs met while I'm single, then I think there is nothing wrong with that as long as things are kept as simple as possible. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean it's not ok...I don't beleive in double standards. Thank you all!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): I wonder how many people successfully achieve a FWB relationship. If you like someone enough to have sex with them and have a sort of friendly relationship, chances are one or other will develop stronger feelings. Your situation sounds as if it is developing into a closer relationship on his part. The boundries have to be clear or hurt is the inevitable outcome.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2011):
 "I was thinking if it's only going to be sex for us, there should be no cuddling,no hand holding,no being sweet or romantic,and definitely no sleep overs!"
Personally my opinion is if it was just about orgasms you guys don't need each other. FWB to me is more about the cuddling and the affection... yes it confuses your mind but it's what someone provides that you can't provide yourself... the problem comes in when you start the "romantic stuff" my FWB and I started that and then it morphed into "practice for him to find someone else" as I was not actually available for a full relationship with him. We would have dinners out... we would watch movies, we would cuddle in bed... well that morphed into a full blown relationship.... not the plan for either of us...
If you don't want those things you must tell him just that.
something like this "i will come on tuesdays and thursdays at 8 pm and stay till 11 pm. We will have sex during that time and then I will leave" set your boundaries. If he does not agree to them, well you have two options:
a. renegotiate a different type of relationship
or
b. walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): You are allowing the man to use you just because its the next best thing. It may just be the reason why he doesnt want you as his girlfriend. Not being so easily available is a better policy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 If you're unwilling to sacrifice the sex to establish clear boundaries then you aren't leaving yourself many options but to comply with whatever he wants. You'll have to be prepared to take some calculated risks.While I agree with maintaining a safe distance there is a flaw to the sex only plan. Without any other kind of bonding or signs of affection coitus is reduced to a function and you are reduced to a tool. You're choices are clear; continue to enjoy a sex only arrangement for as long as it serves you and give up any hope of something more meaningful OR encourage him to make the investment by giving him a small sample of what a relationship with you could be like.Focus more on the 'friends' instead of on the 'benefits' without announcing what you're doing. Make day time plans to go out in public (and make separate plans that don't include him for afterward). Moonlight is more conducive to sexual intimacy than is sunlight so go for lunch, visit the museum, go bowling or whatever else you enjoy doing. This way you'll both enjoy yourselves, he won't feel cornered by ultimatums and you won't succumb to temptation.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Yes, absolutely talk to him. Be HONEST with him and tell him that if he wants no strings, he can't shower you with affection because you won't be able to help falling in love with him.
Tell him that from now on, it's just sex, no cuddling, sleep overs, etc etc. If he can't deal with that, maybe he'll man up and ask you to be a REAL girlfriend instead of masturbating into your body like you're a walking tissue.
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