A
female
age
30-35,
*FDLSH
writes:i have been with my current boyfriend for a year and a few months. he is an amazing guy. a very good person. but my problem is that i believe i am having an emotional affair. when i was 14, i fell in love with a 18 year old, and he treated me as good as my current boyfriend... the problem with my ex was that i took him for granted, and our relationship lasted for almost a year, he ended up leaving. but even after 5 years, i still care for him. he's the only one who i get blushy and affectionate towards. i really wish i can be that way with my current boyfriend. i care for my current boyfriend as well too, but i only feel those butterflies in my stomach with my ex. the reason why i know this now is because my ex has come back into my life, and he as well as a girlfriend. he just hung out yesterday all day, and nothing happened. he basically opened up to me about his life and he cried a few times because he feels so lost and confused... his mother married a jerk husband, he lost his best friend, and his ex was one of the girls who actually treated him well. i feel so selfish for caring for both men. my ex told me yesterday did confess about his feelings for me, and between his ex and me, i am just the younger version. i believe my ex has a problem with stability in relationships. i think he needs to make a list of what he wants in a girl because it just seems like he's forcing himself to make a relationship work with the wrong girls. as for me, i care about my current boyfriend so much, and i feel so guilty just looking into his eyes... i have not ever cheated in my life, and i hope i never will. my problem is just having secret feelings for my ex as well as my current boyfriend. they're are both so good to me, it's just that i would trust my current boyfriend more than my ex. because my ex's life has a lot of ups and downs... he only has his mother abd as of right now, he left his home to live on his own because he couldn't stand his mother's new husband. my current boyfriend has his whole family and lives with them still [he's only 20 and my ex is 23]. i just don't know what to do. i'm so scared to lose both men. here's the deal... i don't want to get back with my ex, and i want to stay with my current boyfriend. no matter how much i try to get those giddy feelings for my current boyfriend... it won't come up. as of right now, my ex and i are trying to be friends only, and i don't know if it's the fact that my ex and i enjoy the thrill in hanging out with each other behind our current signicant others or is it because we never lost the feelings for each other?
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female
reader, AFDLSH +, writes (15 March 2010):
AFDLSH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha, yeah, of course i won't tell him about my feelings, but i will definitely tell him that my ex and i decided to be friends again, and i would let him know if i ever hang out with him i will tell him. and yeah, my ex and i established the whole thing a few days ago about how we care and love each other and everything, but we know that we are better off as friends. it's just not that simple for us to be together again. but, i think i'm feeling better now. just knowing that things just won't work out, so then i can let go of that hope and feelings for the ex and just move forward with my life. oh, and i also told my ex to not see me as an ex, but rather a good friend you can talk to when you need to. and so far, we seem ok, and we aren't bringing up the past or anything and we both basically forget about whatever happened in the past. and yeah, i'm going to give my boyfriend a call right now and let him know i hung out with my ex, lol. but thank you so much again! :].
A
female
reader, AFDLSH +, writes (15 March 2010):
AFDLSH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah... i am making excuses to be his friend still. and yes, my current boyfriend is someone i should be focusing on. after i wrote the last post, i kept thinking about how i need to get over the ex, and when i mean get over, i still want to be his friend, but i want to be his friend and be able to look at him and be around him, but not have those feelings anymore. basically, be over it. that's the feeling i hate right now. which is why this was my whole main post was about... that i want to be over him and be with my new guy. i basically want to cope with the ex and kind of just get use to him being around and hope for the feelings to diminish. and yes, i know the best way to get over him would be no contact with the ex period, but somehow we end up talking after a year or so, and i just don't want to get over him... and then all of a sudden he pops up and then my feelings come back. instead, if he was around already, i hope to get use to that so then my feelings wouldn't be so off and on. i don't know how to explain it, lol. like i want him to be part of my life as my FRIEND without any of those feelings lingering around. you know? i basically want to fight the feelings i have and pas through it while i am his friend. i believe you get what i'm saying now? lol. ohhh, and yesss, before you even mentioned about telling my current boyfriend about this whole thing. i was already planning to :]. i know my current boyfriend deserves to know what is going on, and yes, he may feel a bit of mistrust, but he's an understanding person. and as long as i explain to him clearly of what is happening or what i am feeling, then he will understand. but thank you again! :].
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A
female
reader, AFDLSH +, writes (14 March 2010):
AFDLSH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionohhh, ok, lol. well, yes, i kind of thought about all of this before i even decided to seek answers offline, lol. i mean, i believe i am a wise woman. i make a lot of my own decisions, especially in relationship issues. i've always been the helper for everyone else in relationships, and when it came to my own [current boyfriend] i would handle the situation between him and i, never had to seek help from others. i wouldn't have to go to a friend to get help. i always believed when you're able to handle your own situations on relationship with you and the other person, then there was never a problem in the first place. But when one starts to tell their problems to a friend, then there really is a problem. but yeah, i guess it was just the ex that was my only problem. i was never able to figure out why i feel this way. i could say the reason why i would still have feelings or some type of need to be attached is the fact that he made a good impression in my life. like i mentioned, i treated him very badly… meaning i never appreciated anything he did for me, i would get bratty and moody and get upset at him for no reason, i try to give the excuse that i was only 14, and that i was "blindly in love" which made me not think about his feelings and was very selfish. he was a great guy to me, a total gentlemen [back then when we dated, he drove 2 hours for me every weekend. picked me up from school and everything. he's just one of those guys who would wait for me to eat before he starts with his food. he had good mannerism and much respect for me and my family. i don't know if that gave you a blimps of how he is, but i guess what is hard for me is the fact that both men are good people] anyhow, i now name my temper side, "the hulk," lol. i would have to admit that i still have that taking for granted side, but now i know when i'm doing it and know when it's going too far, like when i become selfish and not show appreciation, and it turns up again… i just step away and let myself cool off, and i would come back to talk to my current boyfriend and apologize to him and make it up to him by being sweet to him and treat him out, etc. but yeah, i just felt the need to have my ex in my life again, just not as a boyfriend, but to remain as a good friend. the reason being is because he did a favor for me by breaking up with me. i remember when he left, he told me, "take this as a lesson" and from there on, i've certainly have which is why i am good to my current boyfriend and i try to show as much appreciation. oh, and don't worry, i'm smarter than that to even go beyond a hug with the ex. i KNOW if i go any further, i will most definitely regret it. i believe in the whole karma thing, and i just don't have the heart to cheat on a person, especially to my current boyfriend. and to answer to the infatuation part, i really don't know if it was or not… to be honest, i care for my ex a lot, and sure i may have a little bit of feelings left, but i believe he needs a good friend more than a girlfriend at this point in his life. i just wanted to be there, meaning i care for him in a way where i want everything to be ok with him, i want him to be happy. like lets say we got back together, but i realize how he feels stressed and not as happy or whatnot, then i care enough to let him go and be happy with another person. all i wanted was just to be that good friend to him just because of the fact that he stuck around for quite sometime even after i treated him like crap. and i guess i just wanted to see him again and talk to him and let him know i am a different person now and showed him how much i've grown. i mean, that day we hung out, yeah, we actually got to know each other rather than talk about the past the whole time or even be all over each other. but instead we just had a deep conversation about how his current situation is like and basically about how i've become a better person because of the break up/or him. oh, and to answer about my current boyfriend, although he is very focused in school, i don't have a problem with that at all, i want a guy who wants to succeed, anddd even though he's focused, i still get 105% of his attention on me. like i said, he is a really great guy, and he does what he can to make me happy. oh, and about my ex's girlfriend, yeah, i told him how he's better off being single because he's going to end up hurting the girls [like i'm not saying it just so i have a chance, i'm saying it for the sake of his own and the girls… he needs help, that's all i gotta say. and i'm a very considerate person… it could be that part of me taking in control. i know it's a bit of a contradiction with the whole taking for granted and yet be considerate at the same time? lol, yeah, i know, it's weird. but, i just have a sense of what is right and what is wrong :] ]. oh, and i told him how he forces himself to love a person who isn't right for him which i why there's always problems with his other relationships [i said how he's not taking his time to get to know a person, but rushing into the relatinoships. i said how he's afraid to be alone and whatnot, etc., i think you get my drift] , he mentioned how he doesn't know what to do… and how i probably am right about the single life [after me, he's been in 3 relationships… all three lasted from 1-2 years] and his current girlfriend lives in washington and he lives here in california, and he wants to end it, but he said he spent a lot of money on her [meaning airplane, hotels, rentals, etc.]. and when he said that, in my mind, i was like "oh, he doesn't love her at all if he's thinking like that" loll. but yeah, In the end of the night, he kept telling me thank you and how he really appreciate me for being there for him [i said i must be crazy or i care too much, and he said you're both... and i said why crazy? he said because you're still here with me even when you know that i have all this issue and cheating on my exes, etc., but yeah, i felt relieved because he opened up to me... him opening up about his life would probably make me lesss attracted to him and see him as a friend instead] and how he really appreciated it. he seems like he's having it pretty tough time… when he continued his issues into a restaurant we were eating at, his eyes starting get teary… it was hard for him to hold it in [he actually teared up at least 3 times during the 12 hours i was with him]. i think he and i know that we work much better as friends, and yeah, i think he needs to get his head straight… like i said, i care enough to help him be the shoulder to cry on because he has nobody else around because it's not easy for him to trust people… the only person is his best friend, but the best friend's girlfriend has taken him away :/, and like i said, i'm genuinely a caring and considerate person and i like to help people. anywho, about the sex thing, yes, i know sex is a big factor, and yes, i've told my current boyfriend that when the time is right, it'll happen eventually, it's just not anytime soon :/. and yes, i've learned to get to know a person first before getting serious [and yes, i believe it takes a whole life time to get to know a person... even two 90 year old marriage are still learning things about each other]. i believe i know my current boyfriend fairly well, and it took me about 5 months of dating him, and my friends convinced me i should be with him. all my friends like him a lot :]. and yes, i've never thought i'd make the first move, but i asked him to be my boyfriend… it was a big step for me, but i knew i was doing the right thing. i'm a very observant character, and i watched the way my current boyfriend did things before i asked him to be my boyfriend… and a good part to observe about a man or a woman is especially when you know or see they have a good relationship with their family, and he treats everyone right, and is nice to his siblings… so i knew he is a good man which is why i made the big move, lol. but anyhowwww, i am so sorry for this long response. but, i guess i can't answer everything on my own, and i had to resort to this online thing, lol. i really appreciate you for taking your time out to read about my situation, and because of you for mentioning about infatuation, i never even thought about that. so, now you got me thinking, lol. what my whole intention for being my ex's friend and to get to know him was actually to see if he's actually a guy i would want to be with or not. it has been a little over 5 years, and people change… and i just wanted to see whether i really am attracted to him or will i not be attracted to him anymore just because i actually take the time to get to know him now, and then i observe how he is now. but i do feel like he needs to grow up, but he needs a friend to emotionally support him [not in that way as in relationship, but rather an emotional thing where he can talk to the person and just cry it all out]. anywayssss, i am so sorry that this is like a 5 page essay, lol. anyhow, thank you so much again!!!! hope to hear from you soon! :D.
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A
female
reader, AFDLSH +, writes (14 March 2010):
AFDLSH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaybe you are right about this so-called infatuation... i never really understood the term, but i guess everyone just likes that giddy feeling sometime in their life. And no, i do not think about my ex when i'm horny or whatnot. it isn't like that, i don't think sexually about him, but rather someone who had treated me right even when i took them for granted. and be a little sweeter to my current boyfriend? if you're referring to my current boyfriend... i've been with him a little over a year and we have not had sex yet, and i do not plan to anytime soon. he really is a great guy. he's a family man and is determined and focused in school and has one more year until he becomes an engineer. and yes, maybe i am thinking i supposedly love my ex, but i am still trying to understand how one should feel when they are in love... i just thought the feelings i had for my ex is what love is suppose to be like, but i guess you said it's infatuation?
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