A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Over a month ago I had a conversation with my then boyfriend, he told me that he didn't love me and later went on to kick me out of our rented house ( he stayed because i couldn't afford it on my own). He gave me a week and i just packed up and left with my things. Over the past month he was being very nasty and said vile words and wishing i was dead. Don't know why he got so angry but through the relationship he did now and again get really moody. All i thought that made him angry is because i asked for my half of the bond back and would not give back the keys until i did but i had to because the landlord found out. Now last week he was apologising and said maybe we could get back together and take it slow but i said 'no' the furthest i would go is to be friends even though i think he doesn't deserve it but i still have some pent up feelings. He is still on the party drugs anyway and i don't want to get myself into that mess that he is in though he's never offered or forced me to but i am dead against drugs. I have seen him twice in the last week and yes we did end up having sex, he was no nice to me and i haven't seen that part of him in ages so i fell for it. He text me later and said that next time i go over we won't have sex and we will just talk. So the problem is I still love him dearly but i can't see us getting back together in the near future because nothing will have changed, he needs to sort his head out and his life. He has a good well paid job and he shouldn't risk it with the drugs. I cry when i think about the good times and wished it would work out, and i'm down to under 8 stone it took me ages to get to a healthy weight and seemed to have lost it within a few weeks. I need to cast these feelings aside and move on even if it means i am single for ages. I just need advice on what to say or do about him and how i can better myself when i look out for another man and not fall for an idiot. Help please
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i have lots of family to help me and i am grateful. I have decided once i have the rest of the money off him i am never going to see him again, he does have our kitten though and although people have said shes only a cat she is my baby and i hope to get her back once i get moved into my own house because i can't have her where i'm staying now. I am slowly learning how to be an individual again and luckily i do enjoy time on my own. I have been getting myself into a state over someone who acts like they care but he actually doesn't. And as for my grandads all i can do is carry on supporting them and helping out like i have and if and when they go i know i have done my best for them. My nana always took me to church but when she past when i was 10 i stopped going for some reason, not sure if i am even religious but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Thanks for your help :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 See your doctor if you want, they could refer you to someone you can talk to. My only worry is that it might cost you money and add an extra stress to you. How about other family, or friends? Do you have someone you can lean on? The reason you feel like you need your ex now is because you got used to leaning on him. Even if he was no good of a support, it's what you wished he'd be, so you kept leaning on him. But imagine, how could he treat you if you tried to lean on him for support now? He might be horrible again, and so you will be even more hurt. Or he might be sweet, and then you end up feeling used later because a relationship between the two of you isn't a good one. You will learn to stand on your own two legs again. A person is strong enough to tackle life on their own. It helps with support from family and friends though, so try to reach out to them. Just meet them, spend time together doing something nice, all that is supportive, even if you don't talk for hours. Just spending time with someone helps too. As for your grandparents.. you're an adult now, and I guess they are fairly old. I lost all of my grandparents when I was a young teenager, and wish I had my granma with me for longer (lost her when I just turned 17), but people have their time, and when it is time for them to go they must go. It is nothing to get hysterical about, it is a part of life that we must accept. If it helps turn to your religion and pray to God, or go to church. If you are a believer that is, you mentioned you say outside a church, then turning to God is calming and gives you strength.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help i understand you thoroughly. What makes it worse is that both of my grandads are very ill and i feel i cant cope, im actually sat outside a church now on my own at half 3 in the morning. I dont know exactly how im feeling but i just want to cry. sometimes i just want to run to my ex but then again i want to hit him for the way hes treated me. I dont know but maybe i should see a doctor because i dont think i can go on x
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 August 2011):
One thing at a time. You've got too much on your hands right now to even think about what your next boyfriend should be like, you need to sort out your ex first. Don't fall for his nice act, remember how mean and cruel he was to you and that he doesn't even deserve your friendship. Keep civil until you've gotten all your things and money back, maybe even pretend to maybe get back with him if that's what it takes to get your things back. But don't end up with him again.
Repeat to yourself: no sex until you're in a blissfully happy committed relationship. That means, in an ideal world, that you can have sex with your ex again ONLY IF you and him get sorted out, take some months apart, fall for each other again, he makes you happy and treats you great for even more months, and THEN maybe you'll get back together properly and THEN have sex.
Long way from here and now. Remember that ideal picture of how you wish things were? Well stick to it, don't settle for less. I know it is hard, so avoid temptations. Don't go over to his and hang out alone. Or if you go have a friend wait for you 30 min later so that there will be no time for sex. If he wants to talk for hours you can use the phone or skype each other.
How to not fall for a jerk (or at least the same type of jerk): when you are emotionally removed from your ex you will have your eyes opened to his faults and you can clearly see what character traits he had that you saw early signs of. Right now you are too emotionally wrapped up with him to see these things. Which is why you need to remove yourself emotionally from this man before you will be able to learn from the experience and learn how to not end up with a similar man again.
Which is why you need to be over him emotionally before you should enter a new relationship.
There's just so much to say about this, but I suggest you google things like "how to get over an ex" or similar questions, there are some general steps to take that are helpful.
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