A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:About 8 months ago, I discovered my wife of 12 years was having an affair. I am a stay-at-home dad who runs a business from my home and does so because I love my three daughters dearly. My wife's schedule is very demanding, so she does not have the option. Upon discovering the affair we have been seeking counseling. I desparately don't want to just throw in the towel and divorce, but I am discovering a lot of significant problems in our relationship. For one, she still communicates with the "other" man. Secondly, she resents me for being able to be with the kids and says that I am not an equity partner. Third, I am realizing that she has limited respect for me and I am somewhat guilty of letting that happen too long. Am I kidding myself? Does our marriage have any hope? I am begininning to lose faith and feel like she is forcing me to make the decision to divorce. She refers to our situation as an "evaluation" phase to see if our marriage is what we both want. Right now, I don't want to divorce. Is my marriage over?
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male
reader, flahammerhead +, writes (16 September 2008):
By your own admission, your wife has lost respect for you and that shows with her continued involvement with the other man. When one loses respect for another, it is easy to justify one's actions (her being infidel).
I just went through a divorce after seven years of marriage. Though mine didn't have infidelity in it, I was the recipient of "non-respect". It took reading the book "Boundaries" to help me realize where my own life was a problem. It sounds to me like you have boundary problems too and it has resulted in loss of respect. It happened to me too. Women want a man that is assertive and strong. They don't want a door-mat.
Go to counseling and learn what you can about her but more importantly learn about "yourself". If your marriage fails you will likely get involved with someone else again one-day. The more you learn about "you" and things like "healthy boundaries", your moods and so on, the better the chance of either working things out with your wife, or moving on and learning from your own mistakes too.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Thanks for the additional information. You have clarified some facts that I think matter--you earn a good income, you have a good business. Perhaps she is jealous of you--she would like to spend more time with your children, but cannot due to work pressures. She sees you getting the priviledge of staying home with your daughters and that slowly turns her against you. I am not saying this is right, or fair...we all know life is rarely fair...but it could be a contributing factor.Many women would like to have a husband like you...caring for the children, good income etc.I still think though that unless you make dramatic and fundamental changes in your life, the marriage has very little chance of survival. Sorry, but that is the question you really were asking.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): I am the one who posted the question...yes our incomes at the time I quit my job were significantly different. That's why it made sense for me to quit my job....that, and the fact I had started my own business on the side. I now make a lot more money than I made when I worked as an employee. I have always worked very hard my whole life, and continue to do so. When my wife was in her residency training (Physician), I worked two jobs so we could afford to eat. I am a professional engineer, but there is a glass ceiling in my profession regarding salaries. I realized this a while back, and decided to start my own business, with her support and encouragement. I am not simply a lazy bum staying at home and playing with the kids. But, my business is run out of my home and that affords me more time to be with my kids. So I ask, is it fair for her to resent me for this?
The "Don Juan" she has met is also a physician (retired). He is very confortable financially and has no committments. He certainly lives a more exciting life than I, but I could live the same kind of life if I turned my back on my family and obligations. Maybe I should?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Yes, I would say your marriage is over. When a woman says she is re-evaluating the relationship, it really means she is working up the strength to end it. Just like when a woman says there is "no chemistry", then that is it...the love will not continue after that.Part of the problem you are seeing seems to be to your "stay at home" status--and you say that is because you love your 3 daughters. Presumably your wife loves them too, but does not stay at home. Is there a large differential in your earings? I think it likely that if there is, then she does resent you..she sees that she is out working hard in the business world to make a living, while you have the "luxury" of staying home. I am not saying it is a luxury, but that is her probable opinion. My wife stayed at home with the kids, and yes, I resented it a bit...not fair, but that is human nature. And again, if a woman loses respect for you, I just don't see it ever coming back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Sorry but it sounds like its over. You are being forced out, then you will be accused of deserting. Its a common method, if you stick in their eventually it will become unbearable.
Good luck stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): No of course not. Your going counselling to talk about the problems you've been having and finding out what caused her to cheat. It is an evaluation period, to see if you can both move beyond this and find ways to make your marriage work. You should be doing the same thing she is. You should be discussing the things you feel, what you don't like in your marriage (her continued contact with this man) You should be listing your demands and desires too. This is not a one way process, your part of this marriage too. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy it.
You need to ask her seriously if she's committed to making this thing work. If she is, she really needs to cut contact with her lover. It's not fair, if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd bet she'd be long gone.
So sorry for you, she's treating you very badly and has little respect for her marriage vows. Don't give up though untill you have no choice. This way you'll know you've done everything to make your marriage work, no matter what happens.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Well, she should have told you about her thoughts before she found another man. It's easy for her to evaluate when she's taken the liberties sh took. It's not easy to evaluate with a clear mind when she's still communicating with the other guy though. She needs to be told to stop. If she can not stop, she should leave. This is another sign of you being too easy going and letting her lose respect.
Listen, your work arrangements are what they are. That is not excuse for her behavior. It sounds like she is not happy with herself and you pay the price.
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