A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Back in 1998 my wife of 10 years walked out of our marriage and moved to the US. There was no sinister reason - she basically just got tired with married life. Fortunately we had no kids, so the break was clean.Within 6 months I was back in the saddle and looking for a new partner. I advertised in Dateline and met a few women, but nothing clicked until one lady wrote the most wonderful letter to me. I replied and then called her, and our love blossomed from there.I was 32 and she was 39 when we met. I proposed to her in the first few months, when I was still enjoying the first flush of love, but she thought it was too soon. Even so, she moved in with me and we built a life together. To give her extra security I willingly made her co-owner of my house, and we pooled all of our savings. Essentially we have been living as husband and wife in all but name.We have had our ups and downs, as most couples do, but we still have plenty of fun times. All things being equal I can imagine growing old with her. But all things are not equal.Where I work (an IT company) we use a lot of temporary staff to satisfy seasonal changes in demand. Back in March a new engineer appeared and I fell in love with her at first sight. Over the next few months we gave each other knowing glances, but nothing more. I wasn't about to cheat on my partner. Towards the end of her 6 month contract, this woman asked me if I was single. I told her I wasn't and we left it at that. However just before her contract was up we exchanged personal email addresses.I thought about her every day after she left, and one day I wrote to say hello. It turned out that her sister had died unexpectedly and she had returned to her country of birth to comfort her family. We kept in touch, and it became increasingly obvious that her feelings for me were every bit as strong as mine were for her. Since we declared our mutual love we have talked every day, using messenger when the phone would be difficult. However there has been nothing physical.I want to leave my partner and start a proper relationship with this woman, who I believe to be my true soulmate. She is not after a marriage of convenience because she comes from a middle-class family, has lived in the UK for most of her adult life and is a UK citizen. Nor does she need support since her family is wealthy and her two children are 20 and 21. And she hasn't put me under any pressure to end my relationship.The problem is that my partner is at a particularly low point in her life right now. She is 51 and has no close family. We don't have any children. She has lost her father, while her mother is 90 and really needs to move into a care home. She is likely to lose her part-time job in the next few months, and is due to have a major operation in the new year. Oh, and we did eventually get engaged 18 months ago, although there are no wedding plans yet.I've given my feelings a lot of thought over the past few weeks and have concluded that I'm no longer in love with my partner. If she walked out tomorrow I would not miss her company. But I am extremely fond of her and wish her no harm. Her life would fall apart if I left, even if I gifted her the house, and I can't bear to put anyone through that much emotional pain. And I know that she feels washed up, and that no-one would be interested in her if we did break up. If I leave her for another woman it will further destroy her low self-esteem.My question is, what, if anything, can I do to let my partner down gently? I know there will be pain, but she suffers from depression and even made a suicide attempt in a previous relationship. The last thing I want or need is a wrecked life (or worse!) on my conscience. But should I really stay in a relationship out of pity, and forever wonder what might have been?Help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I don't think you need to be in a relationship period buddy! You are all over the place. I wonder what the real reason is behind your first wife leaving you. You are too old not to know what you want out of life. Instead you act on impluse, going from one woman to the next with little to no reguard for their feelings. Of course you shouldn't stay with someone out of pity----it's obvious that you never truly loved this woman and you don't love the woman you are willing to leave your current wife or girlfriend for---you think you do,but you don't. Honestly, I don't think you are relationship material. I think you need to stay single and date other women who think and act just like you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): The last thing YOU want or need? Is someone killing themselves over you! Really! The guilt is too much? Or it's inconvenient? It's not like you care. I guess having someone's death on your conscience would mess up YOUR happiness and YOUR future. Hmmm. I kind of wonder what, exactly, your love is worth? Not Much! If someone told ME they loved me, I would expect to Count on them! And be faithful! ALWAYS! And Not just until the next pretty face shows up! The last thing that she wants or needs is a guy who is going to let her down again. Oops - too late. It was also pretty selfless of you to hold off on the cheating with the person you fell in love with, until, um, you gave in? Gave up? Decided WTF? Hunnie, frankly, she'll be better off without you. Good Luck to your new love and Good Luck to you as well. Maybe the new girlfriend is going to be able to teach you that you have to be a lot less concerned with what YOU need and that real love is unselfish, but I wouldn't count on your sticking around if she comes down with cancer. And if this sounded bitchy, it was purely intended to come across that way.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 December 2009):
You can't stay with her out of pity, that would be worse. I think before you tell her it's over, it might be a good idea to speak to a cousellor to see if they will help you come up with what to say. I don't think there's any way to make it easy, but you need to be clear it's over. Try speaking to a counselloe about how to break up and see if that helps at all
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