A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it inappropriate for a gay man in a committed relationship to have gay friends?I knew my boyfriend wouldn't like me having gay friends but since I am 25, gay and had never had any I decided I wanted some. My motives were purely innocent - just friendship. So I went online and made myself a profile but expressly stated I was in a committed relationship and was after friends ONLY.Through this I made two friends and through one of them a third. I don't have many friends anyway but it has been real nice to have people I can more easily relate to. My boyfriend now knows about them but is angry, doesn't ever want to meet them and I suspect hopes I will never see them again. I badly mishandled how he found out about them but feel the imposition I am now in is quite unfair.What do I do!? What would you do? Never see them again or carry on with the friendships and just not tell him? Knowing my partner (who is a great guy by the way) I feel they are the only two options. I am very undecided on which way to go as both options have a negative element to them. Our relationship means so much to me and is fragile at the moment but at the same time I don't much feel like retracting from the world and abandoning good healthy friendships when I have so few.Thanks x. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your thoughts.He has no problem with me having friends it is just gay friends that he doesn't like. It is a big difference of opinion. He thinks having gay friends, especially ones that are single, is terrible and says that he would never do that to me (like me having them is me being unkind to him). His friends are a few straight females to a degree their partners.I am totally out of the closet and have been for years but had lived in the country and was then unwell. I guess socially I am behind. My boyfriend doesn't want gay friends, doesn't want to meet mine and I am certain would not be interested in us making gay friends together. He wants to meet other friends that I have met while studying.I am aware this is controlling behaviour on my boyfriend's part and I won't be controlled. Lots to think about. Thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): i would explain to your boyfriend (again) that this is purely friendship, and you want him to be part of that new friendship circle. You also want the two of you to go out together and make friends that will become both your friends. Jealousy is a horrible thing, i am a terribly jealous person but, realise the problem is mine and not my partners. hopefuly you guys can work it out. You cannot have friends in secret (it looks bad and is bad for you as it's dishonest) If you give into this now, he will expect you to do whatever he demands. Bottom line mate he'll have to put up with you both having friendships or he'll have to leave. Tell him you want both him and friends but if he cannot or will not accept that then he'll have to decide HIS next move. Put the ball firmly back in his court. That way it's up to him and not all laid at your feet.
I hope it all works out well, best of luck
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A
male
reader, uncle-jack  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 Dear X,
Every person in a relationship deserves to have friends with other people that they could potentially be biochemically attracted to.
Normally one already has these friendships before he or she enters into a relationship. It's perfectly normal as a gay person to not have had the chance thus far to create any meaningful relationships with other gay people. The gay community depends greatly on the internet as a way of communication and exploration when closeted.
Your innocent internet search for friends probably startled your boyfriend into think you're looking for more than friendship. However, your boyfriend should understand more than anyone the difficulties associated with being a young gay person discovering who he or she is and in which directions his or her life is unfolding.
I would like to ask if you're 100% out of the closet? If so, I would pass on internet oriented social life and go out and meet some other gay people. In doing so, you allow your boyfriend to become part of the search and allow him to see that your new friendships are purely platonic.
best of luck, uncle-jack
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): there is answer and it is to tell him how you feel and that you need friends, i dont doupt you that hes a wonderful guy so if he is what you say he is then he'll understand im sure he has gay friends!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): to me the issue here has nothing to do with gay or straight. it is appropriate to have friendships period. if you are not allowed to have friendships sweetie, you are in the wrong relationship. you cannot be controlled or owned by another person. i am a straight married woman...i have many many friendships with both men and women. i could never live cooped in a little box with one other person. I love my husband very much and do not have INAPPROPRIATE friendships and hidden friendships, but i do have a lot of friendships. He doesnt check up on who i talk to or who i email etc, but i have been very open about the people in my life and he can if he so desires. If there is no trust in this relationship, in my humble opinion, it is over already. Just because he is a wonderful person and all of that doesnt mean that this relationship will work. without openess, honesty and trust, you two are doomed, maybe with some communcation this could be remedied?....good luck and keep us posted, mal
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