A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:I have a friend who I used to consider a best friend. He isa very charming person but also totally hypocritical and self interested, at other times eh can be selfless. We used to spend a lot of time together. Recently, with no notice to me his priorities have changed; he’s constantly in pursuit of sex, working and career objectives, the friendship isn’t high up his priority list. When I message him, he’s always busy with one of those things. But when he is free at random times, he messages me to meet, he’ll send messages a long the lines of “I’m in your neighborhood, wanna meet in 15 minutes?”. I’m also very busy but I made spending time together a priority, he has obviously demoted the friendship for other interests. I recognize that I had been shifting my plans so I could meet him in the small windows he provided, thinking that’s what a good friend does. I recognize he does no such thing for me. He will invite groups of his friends, who he doesn’t have time to see, to his apartment, none of these friends have anything in common, he does it because it is convenient to him and puts friends who don’t get a long in an awkward position. H will message me when he wants to tag a long with my friends and I acquiesce (as a good friend does), but I get nothing from his side, cos his friends, I don’t have much in common with.The friendship feels one sided. He competes with me for attention from other guys, and when I achieve something great, he kinda shrugs it off. But when I start to focus on my own life, he sends me messages telling me how much he loves me and misses me. This is not a romantic relationship but feels almost like he uses emotional triggers to reel me back in so he gets approval and affirmation. I think he is unstable. He also has a horrible habit of constantly contradicting himself; I feel he just says whatever he needs to say to get what he wants. A few days later he denies what he said and contradicts it. On one hand he talks about emotional maturity and humanity towards other people, the next he is objectifying love interests and bragging about his sex addiction and how many people he’s bagged. I don’t want to cut off this friend, but his behavior feels selfish and manipulative? Or is it me who is being childish and needy? I recognize that friendships require work and times on both sides. When someone treats a friendship like its take away food on their terms, it makes me feel unvalued and uneasy, the friendship becomes charmless. I feel like an object to give him attention. I don’t like this feeling but when I tell him how I feel, he says I’m attacking him and he wants to cry.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 May 2018):
 I’m not seeing what you like about him from this post.
He sounds like a user or that he’s trying to boost his ego by making it look like he has lots of friends and people there that will drop everything to suit him. There’s a guy i know that we used to be good friends with, until he got a GF and he dropped off the face of the earth. Never heard from him for about a year. Then she got a job placement in another country to work as a teacher and as soon as she left he tried to get back into our friendship group so he kind of integrated back in and then when she came back he left again and whenever she went back over he tried worming back in. It got tiresome and then he just ended up getting shunned because he was trying to make the friendship on his terms and everyone just got tired of it.
Your friend might of been a good guy in the past but he just sounds all about himself these days. If situations changed it’s perfectly fine to pull back from them and reduce the contact. You don’t have to fully cut him off but you can take him with a pinch of salt and reject his short notice requests. I think he could well be using that as a tactic to see if you’ll change your plans for him as he gets some kind of ego boost from it.
It’s your choice where you go from here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2018): I can relate to your friendship-situation; because being a gay-man myself, I have observed the same unique behavior among "friendly-acquaintances." Some behavior is unique, or stereotypical, in the gay community.
You have to consider gay-culture, and how individual-personalities are developed before coming-out. Some come-out of the closet very young; while others may not until they are well into adulthood. Many gay-people have endured psychological-torture, violence, teasing, or rejection. Most have endured all of the above!
Some folks hide their true sexual-orientation even into their 40's, and beyond. Living a greater-part of their lives in the closet; they were subsisting in fear and secrecy about their sexual-orientation. Forced to create a likeable "character" or "alter-ego" for others to accept them. Sometimes that behavior never changes. Even once they can come-out and just be themselves.
Sometimes you never see who's really beneath the surface; until they accidentally show their true-colors! Many of our gay brothers and sisters are used to putting on false-facades and masquerading; so they can put on a fake-face for years, before you know whom you're really dealing with. Liken to the case of jilted-women, who marry bi-sexual or gay-men! Only to be dumped for a man!
From your vivid description; it seems your friend is generally a very superficial and manipulative-personality. You were drawn to his other more predominate personality-traits that you like about people. His unique-qualities that defines who is; or maybe, once defined whom he was. Perhaps he understands you more than most other people; so you subconsciously dismissed a lot of his lesser personality-flaws. I see this as balance and fairness. Nobody's perfect!
Then there's misplaced-loyalty and devotion. You trust and align yourself with people you really shouldn't. They just seem so adorable, and can be so lovable. Yet totally toxic!
Your maturity and a better-developed judgement of character; or discernment, as you will, makes his weaknesses more apparent to you. He is changing, as time has that effect on all of us. Age also lessens our tolerance and patience with certain things we see in people. Particularly the more negative-traits. His changes are becoming less consistent with your own system of values or morals. He is what he has always been at the core; only you once didn't mind them that much. You overlooked them to be a friend.
Promiscuity is rampant and fairly common in modern-culture; regardless of gender, or sexual-orientation. Sex on-the-brain is better kept personal; and projected only onto the object of your attraction. Not cast onto your friends! He may be a friend; but some of the explicit sex-talk could be a come-on or a subtle-pass. Testing your boundaries.
Unless you're the type who loves all the dirty-details; you've got to "say-when," if it's more than you can take. It's all GO; unless he sees a red-light or stop-sign, kiddo!
Oversharing your sexual-prowess is generally a "guy-thing." It gets old when it becomes braggadocious or egocentric. Too much information tends to be off-putting. As you and I know, gay-culture embraces a lot of narcissism and self-absorption. So even personally, you have to check your safety-valves and warning-indicators; to make sure you're not pushing it to the limits! People also reflect our own behavior. Careful not to be a hypocrite!
It may not seem so to you; but the listener may see it differently! You may have bragged a little at some point, inadvertently opening the flood-gates; and giving him the okay to lay it on thick!
You may have unintentionally set the tone for competition; which is an inherent male-instinct. Our friends do get jealous; and they will compete with you. You may also be jealous in this particular incident. He is just as much imperfect as you are! Friends also want to impress you. It's not a good thing to cultivate competition in a friendship; unless it is for the purpose of motivation, or inspiration. So maybe it's time you have a heart-to-heart talk; and say what's on your mind. Establish some new ground-rules and guidelines. If it's worth maintaining and continuing the friendship.
You'll learn if he's a good friend or not; based on how he takes the criticism, and his reaction to your opinion. How eager he is to comply with the new set of rules. That also goes two-ways!
Expect to get a dose of criticism in return! Don't get overly-critical, or too judgy! What's good for the goose, is good for the gander! You don't get to dish and not get some back!
Sometimes criticism pushes the wrong buttons, triggers animus; and your gay-friend might fly into bitch-mode, and give you a reading for all you're worth. A good-friend wouldn't do that. They'd take your criticism into advisement and value your candid opinion. "Casting shade," as it's called in our culture! To tell someone, or say something about someone; you know they won't take as a compliment.
When a friendship stagnates, goes south, or sours; it's time to clean house. You weigh your pros and cons. There must be value and appreciation given in-return for your trust and loyalty. It's no longer a friendship; when it becomes one-sided. When you're doing all the work to please, protect, and comfort; but there is no reciprocity. That's being a fool, not a friend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 May 2018):
 There is something I completely fail to understand here. You KNOW what this friend has become. You KNOW he is selfish and a user and only makes time for your friendship when it is convenient for him. Yet you still hang in there, hoping he will change back to what he used to be and that your friendship will change back to how it used to be.
WAKE UP CALL! It ain't gonna happen. He is now a different person and you either have to accept him as he is, or walk away.
What are you getting out of this friendship? Is it worth the aggro of putting up with his selfish and manipulative behaviour?
It is your CHOICE to drop everything and go running when this man snaps his fingers. It is your CHOICE to go running back to him when he says he misses you. It would also be your CHOICE to walk away.
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