A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a middle child with two sisters, one older (divorcee no children, has a boyfriend), one younger (married with children). We are all in our thirties. We are a close family but I have a problem when they make arrangements and plan family dinners and things without asking me if it’s ok with me or if it clashes with my plans. They just tell me about it and I’m expected to turn up. If I don’t I get the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. They also change plans without letting me know in advance, and expect me to go along with everything without making a fuss. They don’t involve me with planning the meals or discussing recipes or where to go. I am being serious, I don’t get a chance to give input because they never ever ask or listen if I do try and say something.When they were in town visiting my mom told me to come to lunch, and when I got there they had changed their minds and one was off shopping with her boyfriend, one was going to the beach with husband and child and my dad was going to buy some DIY stuff. I faced up to them and asked why nobody had told me before I drove there, and not only when I arrived expecting us to have lunch together. They said it was just spur of the moment and I shouldn’t take it seriously but after years of the same thing I was fed up. We were arguing and my mom had a panic attack because she was so upset with us arguing, she likes everything peaceful. She went to hospital, came home and I looked after her for the day while my sisters and dad went out as they had planned. They both like cooking and entertaining and are financially well off with large homes. One has children. I am single with no children and not really a good cook, and live in a flat. They won’t come over to my place because it’s “too small”.When I try talking about things I found interesting or my work they will often just walk out or start talking to one another about whether the potatoes should be done that way or this way. I feel as if nothing I say can be of interest to them.I have introduced two boyfriends to them. One said they made him feel as if he was not good enough for them, the other one left me because they were making comments about how hard it is for me to find a good man – like he was not good enough either.My parents see what is going on but just want to have peace so don’t say anything. I can’t argue in front of them because I don’t want my mom having another panic attack, they all blame me for the first one as it is.I can’t take this any more. Before my last boyfriend left me he said I must sort myself out because my head is messed up as far as this issue is concerned and it will poison my next relationship as well if I ever have one.I know the reason I have no "staus" is because I'm not married, not wealthy and I don't have children. If I were they would definitely take notice of me, and that is not my imagination or poor self esteem talking, that is the way it is in this family. You get higher staus when you get married and even higher if you have a child, and that's besides the money factor. No husband, kids or wealth on my horison, so what else can I do about it? I don't want to be this crazy compaining person all the time but they really get to me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 You know what? I'd be accepting the silent treatment and the cold shoulder from them. No drama, no fuss, just let them stew about whatever imagined slight they perceive and I would go on about my life.
Obviously, you are concerned for your mother, so continue to see her as your plans allow. Just do it on your own schedule, if you want to have her over to your flat, do so. Don't allow their judgment on the size of your flat to keep you from doing the entertaining you want to do. If you do, that's YOU allowing THEM to determine the course of your life. Why would you do that?
Turn up when you can, make your own family plans with your parents, invite your sisters and carry on even if they don't show up.
You're where you are because you are ALLOWING them to get to you. You are internalizing their judgmental attitudes. You have to learn to be a duck.
If they complain or make drama with your mother, chirp brightly to your mother, "I ADORE seeing you and my sisters, I just couldn't make this time, alas! I've got a WONDERFUL plan for lunch at my flat next week! I hope they can make it!" Smile, smile, SMILE, all while going on about your life.
Practice. "I'm devastated, I cannot possibly make it to this event, I will see you all at the next one." *big smile*
"Alas, I can't make this event as it's too last minute notice for me! Next time!" *big smile*
The key is to say that it's not possible for you, then drop it after a smile. Don't try to explain or justify or even make a fuss.
Make your own plans without consulting them, invite them, if they can make it, great, if they can't, carry on without them. Keep doing it, even if they don't turn up. Again and again. Obviously don't spend a fortune on groceries or anything, a simple meal with a festive theme is enough. "Spanish night!" Tapas and sangria. Easy. "Italian night!" A lovely take-away pizza or a simple pasta and a massive salad with sparkling water, followed by a Tiramisu from Sainsburys or M & S.
Live your life. That's the only thing you can do about it. Stop trying to compete with them and don't react when they do the same thing over and over again. That's THEIR problem, not yours. You know your triggers, now don't let them push your buttons. Don't introduce them to the boyfriends, they don't deserve the courtesy.
Duck. You are a duck. Remember your new persona.
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Your parents are really shallow and have no consideration. Your mom is going to have to calm herself because she needs to know how you feel and take you seriously and the rest of your family does too. They're very immature and make you feel bad because you're not rich or married. Why would you want to be around people like that? Tell them how you feel and until they decide to stop acting like pricks, then avoid contact and let them come to you and apologize. And if they never do, then that's just unfortunate but you deserve respect from your own family. They won't be able to live forever without you so tell them and they'll come around.
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