A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: This is going to be a very long story, so thank you to everyone that carries on reading. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years and I was 13 when we first got together and he was 15 but the year above me, we were both in sixth form together although I have dropped it to go to college. We use to spend every moment we had together until he turned 16 and had to start looking for work and to do revision for his GCSE's, but from always being with him I ended up ignoring my mates without realising and ended up losing them all, except the one which was a girl in the year above, so I've never really had anything to do without him, all my old mates just didn't want to know me and I ended up staying in with my mum all the time. She has just had a baby and is really ill with another child on the way, and since I have lost all my mates we have moved a mile away so there is no way that I can really go out every night and see them, but I live closer to my boyfriend so whenever I can I go there, but my mum is always wanting me around now and I'm so stuck in a rut that I can barley go out without feeling guilty to my mum and now that I have left sixth form and have until September until I go to college there is really no way to get out of the house. She is always asking me to look after the baby because she is ill, and if I ever say no that I want some time to myself she always makes me feel so guilty that I never know what to do, so I tend to take it out on my boyfriend. His mates have started to call me controlling, but I always try to get him to go out with them as I've lost all my mates and have become so anti-social that it's been kind of depressing. His mates invited him to go out for the first time in a few years a few months ago, they all arranged to go watch a film and to stay at someone's house. So he decided to go, about a week later he started to act really funny with me, so I asked him if he was okay and he told me that his mates were acting weird with him, it turned out that they all went out without even inviting him and they told him that they thought that he was with me. So we arranged to go out the following Friday to watch a film and just to spend some time with each other, but then a few days after they invited him over to theirs for that Friday. He told me that he explained that to them and that they were joking around and saying that I control him. A few days later I got a text from a guy in his class saying that his mates were bullying him to ditch me and go with them but he still told them no. Then an hour later I got a text saying that he was going to go to theirs instead and that we will arrange something some other time, but when I went in to drop some of my books back, he was acting all upset and annoyed, the same guy that told me about his mates bullying him text me again telling me that he said yeah to shut them up and that he was acting low from the moment he said yes. This kept repeating but I kept telling him to go as I didn't want to see him loose his mates because of me as I've already had that. Then Monday he told me that his friends had asked him, but he told them no so that he could actually see me for a change, so we arranged for me to stay at his and that we would go shopping with his mum and grandma the next day and then to go to the cinema to watch a film together, but then last night he text me saying that his mated were angry with him so he was going to stay at theirs and go to town with them the next day, but we were still going to go to the cinema, but I'm so fed with being blown off that I've told him that I don't want to go and haven't spoken to him since. He has really upset me, I have spoken to him about it before, but whenever I do he just blows me off and when I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore he laughed it off and said sorry that it won’t happen again, but it has... I don't want to be the controlling type, as I have lost all my mates and don't want him to lose all his too, but I'm so fed up with being ditch constantly for them and being called controlling that I have no idea what to do... How do I stop it all? Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 I really don't know what to tell you. It sounds like he does want to spend time with you, and he was more or less bullied into not spending time with you. I could go to say that he shouldn't be friends with those people because REAL friends will always support you and your wishes, and if you wish to be with your girlfriend then real friends would support that. However, it's not as easy to say he should ditch his friends either, no matter how bad friends they are. Eventually he is the one who needs to decide if his friends cause him and the relationship more harm than he can bear, but then again his friends are probably also good for him in many other aspects.
Things aren't black and white in this case, and both sides has good points. In the end I think this all comes down to balance, him balancing his relationship with you and friends, and finding a way to make his friends respect that. You on the other hand also need to balance me-time and couples-time. Couples-time isn't all the time from you wake up and until you fall asleep. There needs to be some me-time in all of this, whether you think you want it or not. It's just to be healthy, so you do not turn anti social or clingy or depressed or what's worse. You need to take care of yourself, and you need to have your own friends. And it is difficult to move out of your comfort zone and find new friends, it is so much easier for you at this stage to say that all you need is your boyfriend and no one else... but just because it is easy doesn't make it healthy. You know friends are important, but don't just value his friendships, value your own. And if you don't have any friends left, take time to get to know someone new. Or just take time do do something for you, and not for your relationship or your mother or anyone else.
You could try to talk to your boyfriend about having a permanent date night, maybe once a week, or once a month, depending on how much you usually hang out. And that this particular date can not be cancelled because of friends. That way you get some permanent time with him that isn't clingy, controlling, or needy. Once a week or once a month isn't too much to ask for.
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