A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a messy situation.Last year I reconnected with a very old friend of mine. We have history, massive attraction and flirtation, and an emotional connection that I have never felt with any other guy before or since. The only reason why we never got together in the past is because I was too scared, young and I ran away from my feelings. Anyway, we are really good friends now, and are in daily communication and can tell each other anything. The problem is, he has a girlfriend, who he is not getting on with too well at the moment. He says that I have made him realise how little he has in common with her, and how they really do not have anything to talk about now. I dont know what to do. I love him, and always have but because I am not a homewrecker, I have not chased him, or tried to steal him. I dont know how to respond when he needs advice, as I am totally biased in this situation. He is obviously not happy with her, but I dont want to be painted as trying to split them up for my own desires....What should I do? Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): "Nothing has happened between us"you need to think very carefully at your choice of words and see the picture you are painting of yourself AS THE OTHER WOMAN ALREADY.something has happened, you are embroiled in an emotional affair already, only a matter of time before a sexual one commences while he is with his gf. you are almost deliberately interfering in his relationship. he is getting the sex from his gf yet he also wants the emotional support and comfort from you. wise guy??? if you cared ANYTHING about not being a homewrecker, as the title suggests, then you need to disingage yourself TOTALLY from this man. he is in a committed relationship and you have become the other woman. stop before you become something you despise. the fact that his gf knows nothing of your existence means that your so called friendship is a secret and as with secrets we know that it is wrong. so this guy has 2 woman in his life. each providing s special need in him. his GIRLGRIEND sexually and stability and YOU his emotional support, big shoulder to cry on. then he runs home to be with his "legitimate" woman. this guy uses you and you let him because you want him. so there is a big price to pay as the other woman. are you sure you want to go down this route. the answer /solution is simple. but you have to be strong and morally sound to do the right thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I can actually offer u advice from the other side of things......... hopefully youl take no offence to this, but take some perspective rather from this.
I have entered a relationship, and its not long term, and im having problems from the other side of things....
My bf has a female friend, that i see clearly they flirt with eachother, this on its own doesnt bother me, but i cant deny i have wondered if her intentions are more deliberate towards him. it has been more recent this girl has come into the picture, and since she has, weve had problems. things are looking ok now, but werent for a while.
and it was all on his part, id put the effort in , he didnt. but luckily were still together.
if i thought she wanted him to leave me, and become a "homewreacker" id be devastated.
This guy who you like so much, has only been in a relationship for such a short time,they are still getting to know eachother, and what you and this guy need to realise, is that every relationship has problems, but that doesnt mean you should back out at the first lot of tiffs, thats what happenes in relationships.
you should back off and let them give it a try , i know u say you wouldnt go with him while he has a gf, but that doesnt make it ok to carry on flirting.
I think you should calm yourself down and if you love him so much, u should want him to be happy, regardless of who hes with. let him make his own decisions and dont entice him any further. like others have said dont settle for an affair either, you and his gf are both equally worth so much more hun.
i hope u can find the strength to move on and find someone who really would love you back, because it sounds like he doesnt. good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaydi6, if you had actually read my question you would have seen that he has not been with 2 girls for a year. Nothing has happened between us, so he has not been cheating on his gf, and I have not been leading him into my bed. I would NEVER do anything with someone elses boyfriend.
We have a long history of mutual attraction and closeness but circumstances and life have always got in the way. When we got back in touch, he had only been with her a short while, so I have not at any time attempted to steal him, but I still love him. I did not make any attempt to try and steal him away. But because I do feel so much for him, when he is upset, I want to help him. So when he comes and says things are bad between him and her, what can I say?
Bottom line is, I love him, and I want to be with him, but I am not about to go and deliberately break them up, just because I feel so much for him. I want him to be happy, and if that is with her, then I have to deal with it. But he isnt happy with her, and I hate to see him so upset.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 I don't think you should give him any ultimatums, just continue to be more neutral. I wouldn't like it if he is trying to make sure he has "got" you before breaking up with the other woman (can't stand being in between relationships, has to always have, need a woman?) or worse, trying to cheat on the OW with you? If he is so very unhappy in the current situation, what is so hard about being able to to man up and break up? I understand it can be harder in some contexts but that is his business. If you feel you are caught in the middle, develop some tactics before this can get harder to deal with. If he ever searches for you once he is single, then you can take another stand but until then remember you have much to lose and adopt a more reserved and distant attitude. If he asks your opinion about their relationship say you will just listen as a friend but you prefer not to comment as it is such a delicate and personal matter of only himself and his partner, etc. If this makes you feel bad that he is undecided and confusing you then you will have to cut down on your contact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): IN time this guy may just say the same things to another female when he feels you and him have no longer got anything to talk about tread carefully
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys...and thank you Taina1980 for your kind words. He doesnt have kids, and is not in what I would call a long term relationship.
I would never do anything with him, when I know he has a girlfriend, which is why I am desperately trying to keep my feelings in check. But when he sounds so unhappy, and then says we have such a connection, and that he has far more in common with me and her, I just dont know what to do.
I think its just how I handle the conversation when he talks about his girlfriend. I care about him so much, and it breaks my heart to see him upset, but I dont want him to think I am trying to split them up by pushing and suggesting things. That is not me... I would never date or sleep with somone elses man. He has to make up his mind - if he wants to be with her, then I cant do anything about that.
I just dont know what to say to him, to offer support when really I want him to be with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): were they having trouble before you were in the picture if not then you need to BACK OFF (He says that I have made him realise how little he has in common with he)Sounds to me like you have made your feelings for him known I think you need to back off and let HIM work it out how long has him and her been together if he will do this to her he could do it to you also
put yourself in HER shoes for a change
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This guy needs to make up his mind.. if he is unhappy he must leave his girlfriend... not string her along!Stand back and let him make up his mind... if he doesnt want to leave her but still wants a relationship with you then he is a homewrecker.....Give him an ultimatum and wait and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, taina1980  +, writes (10 September 2009):
You sound like an awesome person. I think its better to keep your feelings to yourself for the time being. If by chance they come out are revealed & he feels the same way then he needs to leave her & take sometime to himself. The reason I say this is because you sound smart & like you have a conscience. If i guy left you would you want for there to be atleast a mourning period? I reaally hate when people dont give themselves and the other person the appropriate time to move on. I mean it takes time to move on. When you dont it causes problems resentment jeaalousy bitterness. All problems you dont need. Plus some people ar full of b.s girl. You can be bestfriends with a person that claims to be unhappy & later realize the person had a hidden agenda (f.y.i getting in your pants) praying upon your weakness & vulnerbalities. Some people are masters at this. So just be his shoulder for now keep your eyes open & the advice you can give him is if your truly not happy leave. By staying all hes doing is making himself & her miserable. And as humanbeings we should all be compassionate & want the best for eachother. If he doesnt than girl, hes not as unhappy as he claims. You will have your answer then. Ive had "friends" that have tried to run this one past me before...If it looksa like a duck acts like a duck & quacks like one then its probably a duck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 September 2009):
 I think you need to step back and let him figure out what to do next. If he don't want to stay with his GF then it is HIS choice. HIS mess, so to speak.
If you two start having thing going on and he is still with his GF, then I'm sorry you are a homewrecker, but more so HE IS a home wrecker.
Basically HE needs to shit or get of the pot.
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