A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone. Any advice or similar experiences would be most welcome! And if there are any guys out there - I would so love your take on everything as my male friends don't seem to be much help at the moment!!I met this guy a month ago - great guy with a good job, home etc. Anyway - when we met - it was obvious that there was an incredibale sexual attraction between us. And I guess I was a little naughty and I broke all the rules and we got intimate straight away....no regets as it was amazing. But I guess I thought as it was great and we got on so well - I thought that we could continue seeing each other and who knows what it could have lead to. But it soon became obvious that though he was calling and texting everyday - he really only wanted me to go to his place for a booty call!!! So after texting that it would be nice if he asked me to see him for something other than sex - the bombshell came that he only saw us as sexual....Okay - I kinda deserved that but I honestly felt there was something really great between us. But when we had talked about us being anything other than what we were doing - he had said that he wasn't ready for a relationship as he had trust issues and had to work some stuff out. So - I wasn't expecting him to jump into a relationship with me but I honestly thought that he too would sense that there was something fantastic happening. So anyway - after that text from him saying it was just sexual - I wrote that I thought that he was an amazing guy but had no wish to just be a bed-mate. I said that if he thought he would ever change his mind or felt that he could give me more than he was able to - then I would love to hear from him. He wrote back that he was sorry not to be able to give more and that I was a great girl blah blah. But I felt sad but felt great that I had taken control and said no more.So - a week and half goes by and yesterday he e-mailed me out the blue to say hi and that he had been thinking about me and he couldn't help but miss the sex... So - in a nutshell - I said that I missed it too but I was beginning to feel cheap and used and wanted more in my life then what he was offering. He was I guess shocked that I had felt like that - I guess why would he think that I was feeling cheap as I had been happy to go along with it. But as he hadn't tapped into anything emotional as he is so detached emotionally - I guess he thought I was hard-nosed tough cookie!So he apologises and says that he just can't give anything emotional at the moment though he loved every moment he spent with me. He said that he would love to see me, have dinner, chat and have great sex but is not sure if this is enough for me.So this is my first question as I am so confused!!!!! Isn't what he is saying what he wants to do with me what you do when you are dating and want to get to know someone??? He doesn't want commitment but surely if you want to do that with someone - that means that you are inevitably getting to know that person??? Or are his emotions so detached that he is able to do that and feel nothing for that person. Any advice would be so gratefully recieved. For me - too many mixed messages.....So after the email exchanges and him feeling very sorry and ashamed for how I felt - he said that he was working near me next week and would love to meet for dinner and to talk. I said that I would like to see him but I have sressed that there will be no sex - just talking. So - feeling in control again as have said to hanky panky twice now!!!So my second question - how do I approach the dinner (which is on monday eve). I can't help but feel that maybe there is a glimmer of hope but I know I shouldn't have any expectations. Of course I don't want to pressure him at all and of course will be very honest but any ideas and advice would be gratefully appreciated.I really hope the above makes sense - affairs of the heart are prone to make one ramble!!!Thank you for taking time to read this :-)
View related questions:
affair, booty call, cheap, mixed messages, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Alwayznd4eva,Wow a year huh??? Thats quite along time but I guess maybe the major difference between us is our age. I am 38 and to be honest - I really don't have years of dating ahead of me as I really would love kids!! For me to spend a year seeing if this guy wants more than just sex - well it's just out of the question. Also - I have only known him a short while so have not invested too much emotion into him. But I really do like this guy and could feel myself falling for him hence my kind of ultimatum - its all or nothing. I just don't want to be that bed mate when I have so much more to offer. Have you ever tried this with your guy - say to him that you either want a proper relationship or nothing at all??? But in order to do this - the consequence is that you may lose your guy altogether....Sounds like you kinda love the guy and risking losing him altogether is hard to risk....Its always scary thinking that you may lose him - having a little of something is sometimes better than a little of nothing. I haven't seen my guy yet - its saturday night as I write this and I will be seiing him on Monday eve. Am really feeling butterflies - from hope to the grim reality that I will never see him again. But I just don't want to just feel used so do feel strong in that I will say to him that really does have to be 'seeing' me with a view to see what happens or goodbye.Will let you know what happens. You take care too :-))
A
female
reader, alwayznd4eva116  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 OMG I'm in a similar situation. This guy that I've been talkin to for over a year, it seems like he's only in it for the sex. He'll tell me that he's done with me and doesn't want to talk anymore.. but then two days later hes hitting me up talking about he's horny. I ask him if that's all he looks at me, like a sex buddy? And he just shakes his head..he thinks im trying to start an argument...I mean I really like this guy a lot. The sex is great but I don't want to be just a sex buddy to him. I want to be his girl and I want to be part of his life, as well as his 4 year old daughter, whom I love as my own. When we first started talking, he told me he was ready to settle down but maybe I wasnt ready (I guess, he thought this because I'm young, only 18 and he's 31) but I told him I want a relationship. That conversation comes up once in a blue but everytime something happens between us, its like two steps forward and one step back. Whatever happened at that dinner though? Did you WORK things out??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you HereToHelpx - yes we are really looking for different things.... I guess after the dinner I will be able to conclude whether we can just be friends and if it could develope into something but I have a feeling that if it's only going to be something casual, I will walk away. And to even just be friends - well I will always be hoping for more. I just don't want to get hurt much as I really like this guy.
I guess my confusion is merely projection - I feel its so amazing and of course I then can't understand why he doesn't feel the same.....
Thank you for comment and time - very much appreciated.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I this is a bit of a tricky one, on one hand, you could hope that it develops into something more, and on the other you could believe what he has said and step down. If you do the first, then you may be disappointed more so in the future than now - when you're more emotionally attached. If you do the second then you'll be saving yourself possible heartbreak. Personally, I think you should believe him when he says he doesn't want any commitments. He may like you, but if he says he isn't ready or doesn't want to for whatever reason, then believe it, he could be seeing you as a FWB at the moment. If you want to remain friends without the sex (whether to see if he'll change his mind or not) then you need to accept that for whatever reason he can't date or be in a relationship with you. If you can do that, then great, but if in your heart you'll still be hoping for more, and you don't want anything casual or to be just friends then you need to think about whether remaining in close contat with him is a good idea. You both seem to be looking for different things.
...............................
|
