A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don’t think I want to be in my marriage anymore. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. It’s really never been great. He’s a completely closed off person. We never talk about anything - future goals, family planning, budgets, our emotions, how our days went. The burden of nearly everything falls to me. I’m the one trying to figure out how to pay bills, save money, etc. we have 1 kid - who was a struggle to conceive because we never have sex. I’d like him to have a sibling... but we never have sex and we never talk about having more kids. Which is probably better because I can barely afford to keep the roof over our heads with one child. I’m the breadwinner. My husband works, but hates it - and blatantly tells me he just doesn’t want to work. I can’t even comprehend that - especially with a family to provide for. He’ll try new things, but he never sticks to anything cause quite frankly he’s super lazy. He’s never taken care of himself. He’s always lived with parents. I stay married because I don’t want my kid to grow up in a broken home and he’s not a terrible father. But I am so lonely and overwhelmed and unhappy. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about these things but it goes no where (or he points out my flaws). I’ve suggested counseling - independently and as a couple - he had one session with a therapist and then didn’t go back. I asked him to find a therapist for us to go together - he never did. And I just hate that I’m the one that has to do everything. At this point, I know we should at least try counseling so I’ll add sorting that out on my list ... but, I fear it’s just too late. This is just not the type of supportive and partnering marriage I ever envisioned... help
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2019): First of all, don't worry too too much about your son.
Kids are resilient. Just think how good his life could be if you found a new, better man. It wouldn't mean that he couldn't see his biological dad, just a bigger, hopefully happier family.
You sound really unhappy. It will be better for your son and for you if you fix/exit your relationship with you husband. Who knows, your future-ex may end up with a new woman whom he is more compatible with.
Best of luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2019): Honey the home is already (broken) this young man needs help.
How wonderful it would be to have a perfect home,but none of us do.
Conflict resolution is NOT arguing.
No talking No sex !!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Definitely TRY counseling. If he won't go, DO it for you, while you decide your next "move".
He sounds emotionally stunted. And that is something that YOU can not fix. THIS is something only HE can work on and ONLY if HE chooses to do so.
I think part of his behavior is typical for a child of divorce - making other's miserable os HE gets his way. However, while it is sorta acceptable in a CHILD it's not in a grown man. Which is why I say he is emotionally stunted. He hasn't grown. Maybe because he didn't have parent who were there for him. But again, HE is doing THAT to HIS own child and his wife. An adult can't keep "blaming their childhood or a bad experience" for everything (not that those things can affect you for the rest of your life, but everyone will have a "I will not let XX event determine the rest of my life" kind of moment. Now he doesn't sound like he is using his past or upbringing but you think that could be it, so in a sense... you have been excusing his bad or numb behavior to an extend. (no blame on you for that, it makes sense to look back and go maybe this is why this person is this way.. only logical of you.)
You know this isn't good for you, your child OR him to continue as it is. So what CAN you do?
I would say TRY counseling first. Know that YOU have given it the best change to succeed as you are able. For you and for your child.
Being VERY up front with him and telling him, WE need to figure out to make this marriage work. It's not working so what can WE do? Make him (or at least GIVE him a change) to participate. If he doesn't want to. Then YOU have to consider that THIS will never change for the better. This is as "good" as it gets and that YOU and your child perhaps deserve better? right?
He can STILL be a father even if you are no longer married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): When your partner makes no effort to do anything to help himself, or take care of his wife and child; and refuses to seek help for himself. Then he leaves it up to you to make decisions that are best for your child and you. He doesn't like to work, he won't seek any kind of counseling; and he just lives in the house all to himself. His only interaction with you as his wife is to fight.
As I've suggested, seek worship and prayer; if you believe at all. Get counseling for yourself, you need someone closeby to talk to. You shouldn't try handling this all by yourself.
You have to be pretty strong to have held it together this long; but you have to keep-up your strength, because your little-one depends on you. You also have to depend on yourself! Especially, if he isn't fulfilling his duties as a husband, a provider, and a proper father. Just being nice to his kid is not being a father, anybody can do that. Even a man who doesn't even love the child.
He has to be good to you. Go out of his way to show his family how much they mean to him, and how much he loves them. He seems to have deep issues that don't allow him to do that. Instead, he's miserable and makes everyone around him miserable. As if he doesn't know what to do with himself. Why he got married knowing what that requires is a mystery? I guess as much of a mystery as to why you accepted when you saw red-flags the whole time?
Don't try facing all this alone. Let God into your life, and find yourself an outlet to vent your pain and frustrations; before you collapse under it. If he won't seek professional-counseling; make sure you stay healthy, and find a counselor you can trust and talk to. Keep-up your strength until you decide what you have to do. Meanwhile, like I said, I will pray for you. Answers and help will find you. Whatever you do, sweetheart, don't lose hope! This is only a season in your life, and as we all know...seasons change! This challenge is preparing you for something better. That's why you have to let God into it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): Thank you for the kind words. I know I’m not perfect but I do try very hard. I’ve worked incredibly hard over the past 6 years - including earning my MBA part-time (year round) - so I could get a better job to earn more money for my family. My husband is an only child, of divorced parents. I think he’s just always only had to care about himself and that just perpetuates into our marriage. We met at work. Things were good in the courtship period. But, there were signs of trouble even when dating. He always exhibited lazy behavior and there was little to no love or affection (especially not sex) even when dating. I’m not sure why I chose to overlook so many red flags then, but I can’t change that decision now. I thought about leaving him right before we conceived our baby (now 2), and that was my driving force to keep trying. But, I am exhausted. It’s tiring to never be thanked for anything you do. Rather, he’ll only point out my flaws. It’s demoralizing that when we get dressed up to go places, he ever tells me I look beautiful. And, yet, I always have to compliment him. I have long believed he’s depressed, but I know I can’t be the one to fix that. He has to make that choice. In the meantime, I’m suffering and I fear my child is already seeing the repercussions of it. We fight nearly every time we have to do anything - any holiday, event, day out, etc. I know it’s all an anxiety-driven reaction on his part. But, he makes it miserable for the rest of us. On my child’s birthday, I just cried my eyes out before everyone arrived to our house. My baby stood in front of me asking “mommy, what’s wrong?”. It just made it more tragic. He later apologized...but, I can’t keep doing this dance. It’s the same cycle everyday/every week/ every month. He does drink, but not every day. Sometimes too much, sometimes a normal amount. I think he’s on the edge of a problem there. When he does drink is the only time he’ll open up and talk to me - like when he apologized on my sons birthday. So it is a crutch to an extent. Again ... I just can’t fix his problems. I am taking care of everything and everyone and I’m at my wits end...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): I'm curious as to how you met and reached the level of marriage? How have you managed to sustain this marriage for the span of six years?
Is it right to assume he became this way over a period of time, or was he always this way?
Is your husband a heavy-drinker or potsmoker? He fits the profile of someone who indulges in drugs and/or alcohol. It zaps the user of energy, ambition; and laziness is stereotypical of potheads and gamers.
Not to include gamers with skills that can earn money! Just the juvenile-minded lazy types, in their 20's or over, who forgo a workday to play all-day and all-night. They sit in a heap of pizza boxes, empty beer cans, and trash; and barely take time-out to shower and change their underwear!
You seem like a very level-headed and intelligent woman. You've tried every avenue, and sought help through professional resources. He makes no effort, and then continues to be lazy and shut-off. It also seems like someone suffering from serious depression. He won't seek help of any kind. That makes him low-functioning and non-participatory in your marriage. There's no kinder word than "useless!"
It seems a divorce is inevitable. I often say, you can do bad all by yourself! You don't need help for that! He shows you no love and affection, and he fulfills no purpose within his family and household. He's a mediocre dad, a good-father provides for his family! You and your son deserve much better; and you may has well do without him. Seems as though you pretty much are anyway! He's just another mouth to feed, and taking-up space.
I am truly sorry about your dilemma. It's a heartbreaking story, when you're still young enough to expand your family; and you want better for your son and yourself.
God bless you, and guide you to the right decision. If you grew-up on seeking worship and prayer; add it to your life. Pray for both him and your family. I will!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 It takes two to make a relationship work but, based on your post, it sounds like there is only ONE partner in this marriage who is making any effort and you sound emotionally exhausted from doing this on your own.
I appreciate what you are saying about not wanting your son to grow up in a broken home. You don't say how old he is but, if not already, he is going to reach a stage where he is going to take notice of the relationship dynamics (or lack of them) between his mum and dad. If he grows up in this environment, he is going to assume this is how relationships work. I am sure that is not what you want your child to be learning and then to be inflicting the same problems on another partner down the line. Also, your husband can carry on being "not a bad father" (I notice you don't say "good father") even if you two are not together. His son will always be his son and he should help to raise him financially, physically and emotionally regardless of whether he is with his mother.
I wonder, is it possible your husband is suffering from depression? If so, has he spoken with a doctor? Again this is not something you can force him to do.
Neither you nor your husband sound happy. I understand why you want to try to save your marriage but you have to draw a line at some point. You cannot make this marriage work on your own. In your shoes I would decide how much longer I was prepared to try to make this relationship work and tell your husband. Then start making plans for yourself and your son to move out. As you are the bread winner, this should not be too difficult. If you rent a place, you may need to pay the lease up to the end of the agreed term. If you have bought your house, you need to either buy out your husband or put it on the market and sell it and find something else. Otherwise you are just going to stay in this "non-relationship" for years. You AND your son deserve better.
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