A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have never had sex before and fear that the first encounter will be painful.what can i do to prevent the pain Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (4 July 2010):
If you are as uncertain, and apprehensive as your question sounds, you are not ready for a sexual relationship. The greatest pain may come after you realize that rushing into it was a mistake.
For the record, most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice, but it's only around 20% or less who say it was anything like a "bloody mess".
At the very least, spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Make sure he understands and agrees to this.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (In fact, her first time and my first time were the same time. It was rather painful for her, and a bloody mess.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 June 2010):
 The others on here have given excellent advice and I can only echo it all.
I suggest something in addition to their advice. Schedule a visit to your doctor to have him or her remove your hymen, which is the source of the pain on the first time of sex. If the doctor breaks it painlessly, you'll be totally fine during sex!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Skip the first time and go straight for the second!:) JK
I agree with TimmD on the lubrication, but arousal is even more important. As a woman becomes sexually aroused her vagina will prepare itself for intercourse. You will moisten and your vagina will lengthen in preparation of penetration. If you are relaxed, aroused, and lubricated then sex should not be painful.
If you are not aroused, and are nervous about having sexual intercourse, then you are obviously not ready and should postpone this experience until you are in the proper mind set.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Go very slow and make sure it is well lubricated down there. Your partner being the male has the control as to how far it goes in, so as long as he takes it slow you will be fine.
Don't forget to practice safe sex. Use a condom.
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