A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 26 year old healthy woman who has absolutely no interest in sex or any type of physical intimacy. When I first met my bf, I would have sex with him to make him happy but it did nothing for me (we've been together for 9 months).Now I've told him that I'll give him all the hand jobs and blow jobs he wants (I even swallow) but I just don't want him to do anything to me. No kissing, cuddling, oral sex on me or sex at all. I feel like he should be content because I give him oral sex for like an hour whenever he wants it and he always orgasms and I always swallow but he still wants more.Am I being selfish? He says he loves me and I love him but I'm not interested in sex and I don't want to fake it anymore. Its not that he isn't attentive or lacks skill or stamina, its just that sex doesn't do anything for me at all. I don't even masturbate. I don't think I'm robbing him of pleasure but he says he wants more and I don't know what to do. I feel angry because I think he should be more than satisfied and he feels angry because he thinks I'm robbing him of pleasure. Please help. Any advice would be great. Thanks.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 me again.. Do you have sensitive skin? Do you like the smell of roses? I used to practise aromatherapy massage and found it very helpful to help people get over abuse, trauma and sadness.. I think it might help you.
Get a bottle of almond oil (sold in chemists) or a oil without a strong scent. Get your boyfriend to massage the areas that you feel comfortable with. Your feet, your hands, your back, your arms, your legs. Start with your hands (just one session) then the following week move on to feet (single 30 minute session), then arms, and so on and so on. Leave out your breasts, belly or any part that makes you a woman. This is romance without sex, it will get you used to receiving touch without giving anything back. Hopefully eventually it will make you feel relaxed. Start with the non-threatening area's first, before you work up to the hard parts. You can do the same thing for him, it's a straight loving massage, you can even keep your eyes closed and just feel how it feels to be loved and adored.
This is called anointing, a woman even did it for Jesus in the bible.. nothing sexual or threatening at all, but it demands trust and demands you lay back and just allow someone to love you.
If you find it works, then add (no more than) 2 drops of "rose oil" to the almond oil.. Rose oil is very powerful and also very expensive, about £25 English pounds for about 25 drops. Get boyfriend to buy it, if it works and makes you happy and relaxed, then I think he'll be pleased by the results. Rose oil can be bought online from any aromatherapist or might be found in your local health shop or chemist. Rose is the essence of love, pure love for mother, brother, lover, human being, woman... It also manages to bypass memories and work on the elemental level of scent, which is older and more primitive..
Giving and receiving non-threating massages should help chip at that wall of hurt that was built from past abuse... :)
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 March 2010):
You've been very, very brave young lady. First to come here and discuss your problem, then to go and discuss your sexual past with your boyfriend. These are very hard things to do, as hard as any one of them famous men who conquer mountains and sail around the world in a boat by themselves. You should be very proud of yourself. Right now you've put a big smile on my face. I'm proud of you, to talk about such things is very hard and you've done it twice... yippie.. lol
I was serious about the counselling. Your not sick, but you've been hurt, very hurt. You don't know the good ways to love and give love. Counsellors are trained to help you with such things.
Your compromise is a good one. More than anything else it was the talking that helped. Now your boyfriend can understand more clearly how you think, and he won't feel so rejected...
But what about you.. you miss so much pleasure, so much love, and love and pleasure can heal a lot. You've been hurt, and now you are trapped behind a wall of hurt. I understand why you build up that wall to protect yourself, but walls hold people in and they also hold people out. You are far too young to live this way.
You and your boyfriend work on your compromise, you've done enough for today. But when you are rested and feel a little stronger, I want you to tackle your past, I want you to set yourself free, I want you to tear down that wall and be able to share love and share pleasure again...
Counselling will help, there are also groups with other women who have been hurt like you.. If you don't like meeting people, they have telephone support or online help, just as secret as Dear Cupid. There are also many, many books written by women who have suffered. You should read some of their stories, they tell you how they managed to get over the past and push forward to have a healthy sexual life with someone who could teach them how to love.
Blessings Babes, you have done very, very well.. feel proud of yourself and walk tall, you've moved mountains today. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who answered my question & gave me advice. It has helped tremendously.
Update: I had a long talk with my bf & opened up to him about my sexual past (you were right miamine. I was sexually abused as a child & raped two yrs ago).
This is the first real relationship I've ever had b/c my other bfs only wanted me for sex & we never did anything "romantic" or "intimate" so to speak. I told him how I felt & he agreed to just have sex with me plus the blow jobs anytime he wants without any of the unnecessary kissing, cuddling, oral sex on me, etc & he seems pretty happy (he wanted to kiss & cuddle leading up to sex so I compromised). Yesterday was the first time in a month we didn't argue!
He finally understands that I don't get anything out of physical intimacy & sex & never have so he told me that he knows I love him b/c I have sex with him & so far things have been great! Thanks so much to everyone again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): A lack of intimacy is one of those major things that can break up a relationship. If you really can't perform, & intimacy is important to your partner, you might have to consider calling it quits. Is there a reason for your aversion to sexuality? Do you want to eventually become more intimate? Blow jobs are nice for men and everything, but humans are generally sexual by nature and crave more than just oral sex. You should really talk to your partner about this and you both need to be clear with each other about what your needs are and really figure out if this relationship can work. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (25 March 2010):
 I don't think that he is upset that you are "robbing him from pleasure". More likely, the lack of sex, cuddling kissing...is taking emotional closeness away from him. He's not just looking for pleasure. He probably feels unwanted and rejected and can't understand why you don't feel the way he does if you love him. From what I've read (and I could be totally wrong here) sex and intimacy to men is the same for women when it comes to talking, listening and understanding (not to say that men don't want those things too) It's an emotional bond and he obviously isn't feeling that from you. I'm not going to say you're unhealthy or wrong for not wanting physical intimacy. I'm not going to say "you're unhealthy, better get that checked out". Because I've been there and I know how it feels to have everyone saying there's something wrong with you because you don't want to have sex. So as far as that goes, I really don't know what to tell you. Just thought I'd let you know what I think he's feeling.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 When you are in a relationship like in a marriage, your body does not belong to you alone. He has a right to your body. You should not stop him from enjoying your body .
Even if you don't find any pleasure from the sex, you should allow him to do what he likes with your body because this is called love. You want to give him pleasure according to his way and not your way only.
He is definitely feeling robbed of his pleasures because he did not receive what he wants but what you think he should have.
In love, you want to make the other person happy but in your case, you failed to make him happy sexually because you have your inhibitions about sex.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
"No kissing, cuddling, oral sex on me or sex at all."
Yes very, very strange indeed... explain to me again why you need a boyfriend. Boyfriends and girlfriends do these type of things. You don't need a partner at all, you just need a friend. You have no idea about man/woman relationships... Your boyfriend will not stay, and if he dose, he will cheat, your forcing him to live a very lonely life if he's not even allowed a cuddle or a kiss.
Please contact your doctor, I think counselling is needed.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
I'm a 26 year old healthy woman who has absolutely no interest in sex or any type of physical intimacy.
Nope, you are not healthy... you dislike physical intimacy. There is a very small percentage of the population who are non-sexual, but this is very, very rare. It's more likely that you have had some sexual trauma in your past, or you might prefer women instead of men.
I suggest you contact your doctor. No sexual desire, no sexual intimacy is a problem and can be cured with the help of a good counsellor.
Men and women need love and need intimacy if they can get it, for you to reject it at your young age is very, very strange. Do you want kids in the future? Do you expect your boyfriend to stay when every time he touches you it makes him feel like a rapist?
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (25 March 2010):
He has a right to a healthy sex life, and you're not meeting all his needs, and not even making an effort to do so. Of course he's frustrated. A blow job a day is not substitute for what you're denying him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): Well to be fair a hand job/oral is totally different to having sex with someone. So although the end point is the same the journey is different and thats prob what he misses.
Why no kissing or hugging thats not sexual thats jut affection...right?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 March 2010):
 For some men, you would be a dream come true, but I think that you should consider more exploration regarding the reason for your asexuality. If you are content with a lack of personal sexual satisfaction, so be it, but there is more to life than that for most folks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): Guys want to satisfy their women.
I'm so confused. You don't get pleasure from anything? Kissing and cuddling seem romantic to me. They make you feel good in your heart.
Is it harsh to say that maybe he is robbed of pleasure? You could lighten up on the blowjobs and just kiss him every once in a while. I mean, that'd really make him know you love him, right?
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