A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey well I am a 20 year old male and I am dating a 22 year old virgin and I know she wants to wait and I do too. The problem is I've been wanting to have sex with her lately really bad. I have been pushing for it and feeling horrible. I love her and every time I see here I think what a beautiful GF I have and want to just touch here kiss her and show physicaly how much I love her. We've been dating for almost 8 monthes. I talk to here about it and how ive been feeling and I really love her and afraid I will hurt her. I told her I feel I might hurt her and I ask her if she wants to take that chance and continue dating. She said yes cuz she loves me, but I feel horrible. I dont want our relationship all about sex, but I feel I am making it that way. What should I do? I dont want to want sex but I do. I don't want to be like every other guy and just want sex. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 In ancient western societies - and it's not so old, say just before 1960 !!! - sex was prohibited before wedding. It was a sure way to make the pressure grow as we all know how hard it is to endure the sex hormones work by young veins. Consequently, people tended to get married early as it was one of the main worry of society: producing human units (couples) able to make babies (families) who would eventually become - the sooner the better - working and military forces. At 22, our grand-parents were already mums and dads one, two, three times... and the fourth baby was on its way.How long are you willing to wait for being intimate with the love of your life ? As far as I'm concerned - and regular people on Dear Cupid can testify of that - I'm a resolute advocate of the self limitation of sexual activity as sex taint emotions (how many of us are not even able to distinguish sex drive from love ?) and it causes interference in our thinking, up to drastically reducing our objectivity capacity.Yet, sex is part of life/nature, and one cannot wait indefinitely for something that normally has to be given... not knowing, by the way, if your girlfriend will actually give it to you at the end of the way, or if at the last second she won't decide to give it to a total stranger just met in her grocery. Who knows ?Sorry to tell you that, but are you sure you're not waiting for nothing (eight months of chastity is already a nice proof of love at your age) or are you still ready to wait two or three years more, until your girlfriend will want to become a man's wife, at 25 or 26 (if not later) ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for your peoples thoughts, tips and concern. One person asked about if she is a virgin and if she is really loves me and only me. Well to that I know cuz I've dated girls that did too but they didnt listen as well and showed it as much and she lives with her parents which doesn't help the idea of sex to be more relaxed and they would know that she is cheating or not and they like me.(sorry for the and's natzi grammers lol). Someone else asked why I wanted to wait and the reason I want to wait is to make the sex more specail and make our relationship stronger. She wants to know for sure I will be with here forever. She wants to have sex with one guy in her life too. I say I wanted it sooner cuz its weird I don't know how to explain it. I want it now cuz I want to show her physical how much I love her alongside emotionaly. I'm off balance with the idea of sex cuz I dated a girl and while I was raped and I couldn't do anything cuz of a whole bunch of bull crap. Then she dupmed me cuz I wasn't ready for sex yet for this was my first gf and when we started to date we both we're virgins. So she losted to a crazy creepy guy that happen to be her relative. So that happened then I kept trying to date new girls they dumped me cuz I was to immature yet I felt I understood more. I one day ran into my last ex and I loved her beyond belife. I thought we would never brake up and part. When things got more intmite she didn't want to have sex till marriage and at this point my mind was tatanted to want sex since my exs thought sex was good and ok. I wanted it bad and I ran into a girl willing to give it and she just luckly before I tried left and pushed me and around that time my gf at the time finnaly had sex with me. I felt broken hurt and afraid I hurt her for having sex with her but it was found that she was ok and liked it and at the same time I sorta did too but not sexauly, but emotionly. I fell deeply inlove with her but at the cost of fear of losing her to another guy. I was afraid she was cheating and that in it self made us part. So I was broken, lost and hurt. I was so hurt it runied me and my life. Not cuz of her me. I let it tear me down so now I finnaly found the girl I wanted for my first gf or at least my second. She's everything I wished for in a girlfriend. So this is what I assume why I am off balance with the idea of sex. Well this is more info.
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A
female
reader, 185missshy  +, writes (5 March 2014):
Hey.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to touch her and kiss her.
I know it's hard with the sexual hormones.
Try laying in bed with a dvd, sweets and cuddles.
If she is stressed then a back massage.
Or run her a romantic bath.
It's the small things that count until your both ready.
Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 March 2014):
You want to have sex because you have someone with whom you can have sex with. But keep pushing her into doing something she does not want to, and you may not have her around to push.
You ever heard the saying “desires of the flesh”? That is pretty much all it is. You have waited this long, so why rush it now. There are no prizes for having sex. But there is an amazing time waiting if both of you get married, and you are the first for each other...for life.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Simple. Stop mentioning it.
You've already said everything there is to say (besides the actual planning of it which is premature at this point). Saying it again just puts pressure on her and she'll either acquiesce to it far sooner than she's ready or she'll think you're just like every other guy who wants into her pants.
She doesn't need to have sex with you to know you love her. In fact given that she's not ready, the NOT doing it means more to her than the doing it.
Focus on the things you two can do together. Go out on dates, take in the sights, go to the cinema, go for lunch. Doing those things might help take some of the pressure off both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): Hi OP i i'm a 23 years old girl who just lost my virginity to my bf.
he's always been a gentleman and never pushes or pressures me to do what i'm not comfortable with. However, there's come a time in every relationship when you want to get physical and feels that intimacy.
My bf and i never plan on having sex everytime we meet but we meet every 3 or 4 days or sometimes once a week when we're both busy. So it seems like everytime we meet we always have sex.
This thought came to my mind as well. Is this just a sex based relationship?
But i looked back at our times together, our daily chats, how he acts when we're out together in public, how we really enjoy each other's company. and i know it's not just sex.
If your relationship with your GF is anything like my relationship with my bf, as long as you both feel okay with it. There's nothing wrong with sex.
To me it's important to see if you can be compatible with the person you're with, emotionally, physically and sexually before you choose to spend the rest of your life with that person because let's admit it dead bedroom more often that not may lead to divorce.
The most important thing is don't pressure her. Anything you do, don't make her feel like she has to have sex with you or she'll lose you. If she does it on her own will, both of you will be okay. Good luck, mate!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2014):
 If you have BOTH agreed to wait (for whatever reason) then you NEED to stop pushing for the sex. Stop mentioning it too. One thing is to THINK about it a lot (which is totally normal) another is to make her feel like she will HAVE to have sex with you to keep you as her BF.
Have dates in public places, it makes trying to "hump" her harder.
Know what situations makes you want to "hump" her and try and stay away from those.
And I have to ask, HOW exactly would you hurt her?
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (5 March 2014):
Nice you want your relationship to be something in which sex is just a component and not the foundation of it. Yet, if I was you, I would be puzzled that a 22 yo girl refuses to have sex with the man who loves her, and that she loves equally. Has she pledged to remain a virgin until her wedding night? If that's the "problem", you know what you have to do.If that's not it, what's the problem? By the way, excuse-me to be so frank, but as we don't have enough informations to be more specific, I have some (disturbing) questions to ask you: how do you know she is still a virgin? Are you sure she has not another life/man when she is not with you? Sorry to put the worm in the fruit, but this situation has to be clarified.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (5 March 2014):
 While not the main aspect of a relationship, sex plays a significant part. So what are you waiting FOR? Her to be ready? Marriage? Either way, it could be a long wait. You say you want to kiss her and touch her... Are you doing that? Are you doing everything but sex or literally no sexual contact at all? What do you mean, you don't want to hurt her? Do you mean get desperate and sleep with someone else?!If you love her and do see this as a long term thing, you will just have to wait. Don't pressure her, and that INCLUDES talking about how much you want to have sex with her. Just see how it goes. If you are waiting for her to be ready, take it really slowly, enjoy her company. Try and distract yourself when feeling frisky... which I know is easier said than done when you're 20. All the best.
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A
male
reader, .Nick +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Take my advice as advice coming from a guy who firmly believes in the sexual component of a relationship:You are not making the relationship all about sex. The only way you can actually make the relationship all about sex, is to actually have sex. And then have sex a lot. And then have sex to the point where the person behind the sex doesn't mean anything to you, except for easy sex...Actually, let me retract a bit. You could also theoretically do this by fantasizing about sex to the point where she is nothing but an object of sexual desire.But I don't think you are at that point. I don't need to tell you that sexual desires are natural desires. It is only natural that you'd want to physically love the woman you also emotionally love.On that same note: Not every other guy just wants sex. I feel as if it's partially my job to disabuse you of this notion, A) because I'm particularly proud of my gender and don't want any sort of distortions and B) I'm particularly fond of sex, but at the same time very fond of the women behind the sex. It's all about striking a balance, and from what I'm gathering you are perceiving that your balance is off.You say you want to wait, but then you go on to say you want sex. Clarification of this bit would help greatly. Do you want to wait only because she wants to wait?You also say you are afraid of hurting her. I gather it's presumably because you will want to have sex, she won't, and it will drive a wedge between an otherwise functioning relationship.Do not feel badly about wanting to have sex; she cannot fault you for wanting to have sex within the confines of a normal healthy relationship, as much as you can't fault her for not wanting to. As long as you continue to talk it out and monitor where you both stand and ensure you both remain happy, you guys will be okay. Remember, a healthy, loving relationship is built on compromise and seeing what works best for the couple, not necessarily the individual.As long as you continue to consider her feelings and care about her, then you are not making it all about sex. I'm sorry I can't offer you a definite conclusion, but the fact about it is, this scenario doesn't have one. It continues until you either have sex or you go your separate ways.From what you've described I do think you have a good relationship, and I trust that you love each other dearly. Just make sure she's equally considering your feelings. Best of luck my friend!-Nick.
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