A
female
age
26-29,
*mma Heart
writes:Hello, thank you for taking the time to read my question.I am 24 years old, I'm graduating from university in the Summer. I'm only allowed two tickets for each parent at the ceremony, so I'm inviting my father and my mother. My Father and I have had a difficult and strained relationship, and he is married to this woman who really does not like me. When I was a child after the divorce between my parents, I used to stay round at their flat on the weekends. My stepmother would sit me down at the dinner table under the excuse of "speaking the truth" and that she is a "wise person", and tell me I was a bad person, how I had a defective personality, and how she was going to "teach me to be more like her so people would like me when I grow up." She said I would never have any lasting relationships when I grew up because of my personality, and that people would leave me. She always had something mean to say about me, but I wasn't allowed to defend myself at the dinner table, she would say "how dare a child speak to me in that way." My Father never defended me either, he used to ask me to "swear on the bible that I would be a better person and if not I would go to hell" (I'm not religious), and he would say that "my looks were fine, most men would give me an 8-9/10, but my personality needed work on. So if I want a relationship when I get older I need to improve my personality." I felt like he was echoing her words exactly.He would also always make me apologise to HER after she said these things. He never stood up to her, and if she gave him the silent treatment he would make me responsible for mending their relationship. But when she wasn't around, he would "admit" that she was "jealous of me and the attention he gives me" (which is not a lot.) She apparently used to ask him "If me and you daughter were both drowning, which one would you save?" And she would get angry and give him the silent treatment if he didn't say her. I was 10 years old at the time. I had many issues as a child like trichotillomania because of the abuse I endured from 10-16, and I honestly have had a lot of self esteem issues because of what was said to me when I was younger. I still feel angry towards them at times. If I don't text my now-estranged father back in a timely fashion, either he sends me a long text saying I'm a bad person, or she sends me a long email listing bullet-points of my "defective qualities." We haven't argued this year, but I expect my father will make it my fault if I don't invite her up to the graduation celebration. I really don't want her there, but I think it's important to have my father and mother there. I think she's a bully and even though I haven't seen her in years, I only get one graduation and I don't want to be anxious on the day. I know that he will make a fuss if she can't also come, because she usually gives him a very hard time if he does anything for me, even birthday money. He has to hide it from her. And then he makes it my responsibility to fix it. How should I go about this? Is it reasonable that I don't want her to be there? I was thinking of making the excuse that my mother's boyfriend isnt coming either as there are only two tickets.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2022): How will you feel if later in life you become a step mum and get left out ...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2022): What I would do is not invite your father and I would tell him why in a letter.As the other people said oh what if the father paid?To me it does not matter.She is abusive and you do not have to deal with that anymore because you are a adult.You are a adult….they no longer can force you to spend time with her as now you can chose who to spend time with.You do not have to spend time with your abuser anymore.Just say no.Stand up for yourself.You know your father will not protect you from her.He never has so he has chosen.Now you chose…You have the power here you are no longer a child…..act like a adult.Do not let anyone guilt you because they just have no idea what you have been though.From one survivor to another…you got this…be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): You have a strained and contentious relationship with your stepmother; and I gather you're not the pretentious type of person, you just let people know where you stand.
Your father has to live with this woman, and she is now his wife. You may harbor your own resentments towards her; but you can't expect the same from your father. You're all grown-up now, and you can speak your mind without hesitation. You've pretty much done what you need to do, you gave your tickets for the graduation to your father and biological-mother. I think your step-mother gets the message. Apart from telling her to her face that you prefer she not come (which is probably what I'd do); I guess showing up with no ticket to crash a graduation ceremony would make her look like a fool. She can't just barge her way in.
It doesn't matter what his answer to the hypothetical drowning scenario was. His daddy-instincts would kick-in, and would more likely make the decision on the spot; in spite of telling her what she wanted to hear. A narcissist may choose particular targets to antagonize; but the behavior is pretty much definitive of their overall character and personality. Your dad gets his share of belittling remarks and insults too; don't think he doesn't. A person like you described your step-mother to be is tuned-up to her highest-setting 24/7; and they don't know how to tone it down. He thinks with his penis; and henceforth, he tolerates the worst to get what he likes most about her. He probably likes the pseudo-masochistic interaction they have; where she's bossy and somewhat of a scathing dominatrix around the clock.
I'm so sorry about what you had to endure as just a child. I doubt she would humiliate herself by showing-up at the graduation without a ticket. If it offers an automatic plus-one, she'll self-invite and show-up regardless. I would only suggest this. She is your father's wife now, and whatever issues happened that ended your parent's marriage is strictly between them. You definitely suffered in the fall-out; but you're now old enough to make your own decisions, and you don't have to invite anyone to your graduation you don't wish to. You should put-out an olive branch from time to time to tolerate your stepmother; considering she's going to be in your father's life for some-time. Even if you believe you're not really attached to your dad, he's your dad for life.
Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with resentment and bitterness. A narcissist only sees such emotions as narcissistic supply. They enjoy making you squirm. They thrive on manipulating the feelings of others, and it's not that easy to hurt their feelings. They simply retaliate when threatened or challenged; so not inviting her is just a petty issue in her mind, but she has a full understanding of why she wasn't invited. For security reasons, and because of health precautions; seating at most graduation ceremonies these days will be limited to people with tickets; so even if she managed to intimidate him into bypassing your wishes, she'd embarrass herself trying to crash the graduation. They will probably limit seating to only those with proper invitations.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2022):
 Did your dad help pay for university?
If he did. I "might" feel inclined to invite him. BUT only him. Having only 2 tickets will make it "easier" to EXCLUDE" that repugnant wife of his. YOU do NOT have to meet up afterward with the evil stepmom for drinks. Just PRE-PLAN it with your mom, where to go and who to meet there. You don't OWE your dad to come too. Especially if he can't leave the wife of his at home.
If he didn't pay for Uni, then I don't see why you should have to invite him at all. He sounds like a terrible father and parent. Even if she is the one "in charge" HE does have a voice and he does have choices. It was just "easier" for him to play by her rules because it makes HIS life easier. You don't HAVE to make HIS life easier anymore!
So make YOUR life easier and invite the 2 people YOU want to share that day with. I'm guessing your dad really isn't one of those two and neither is the wife.
Invite your mom and stepdad/favorite aunt/uncle/cousin/BFF and have an AWESOME day.
If your dad gets upset that he wasn't invited then invite HIM out for a lunch JUST the two of you to celebrate IF he is willing. If he is not. Well, that is on him, is it not?
You are a grown person. You can make choices that work for YOU.
I hope you are getting some counseling for the trauma you went through as a kid I think it's time to let go of the negative deadweight your Dad's wife put on your shoulders. Don't OWN her crap. Find a good therapist, and find a way to toss the yoke of all that bullshit she spoonfed you to make herself feel better.
Congrats on Graduating!! And Welcome to the next step in life!
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female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (13 June 2022):
(Pressed "send" too soon.) I'd suggest a quick(ish) drink or coffee&cake with your dad and his wife if she insists on coming.
And then a more leisurely evening meal with your mum and her partner.
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female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (13 June 2022):
Have two different celebrations after the graduation. Or perhaps one beforehand? (I don't know what time they usually start.)
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female
reader, Emma Heart +, writes (12 June 2022):
Emma Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Anon thank you very much for your answer.
Unfortunately I don't think it's all my father's fault. And I'm not defending him just because he's my father, I am not attached to him nowadays.
I truly think she is narcissistic out of the two of them, she is very grandiose and controlling. She used to criticise my appearance and then say she was "the most beautiful woman in her town." LOL. She also thinks she is perfect and that there is nothing wrong with her. I do think that he is an enabler though, and he is a coward who yes likes the attention and affection. I do think he loves me but he has a messed up way of showing it. He never used to be like this when my parents were together.
Anyway, thanks again. I am going to just be very firm and stand my ground, no matter what he says. Whether on her behalf or not.
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female
reader, Emma Heart +, writes (12 June 2022):
Emma Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Youcannot be serious thank you for your answer. I get that, I have been very distant to my father for this reason. I don't or barely reply to his messages, especially if I think they might lead to an argument.
I think both are bullies, her it comes naturally and him because he wants to be on her good side and is scared of her. I know this because before the divorce and before they got together, he was a good father to me. He has become more and more like her as the years have gone by. And yes, I won't let him bully me into mending THEIR relationship, it's not fair to me.
Thank you x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2022): Youcannotbeserious serious is right on the money - your life your decisions.
You stepmother acts teh way YOUR FATHR ALLOWS HER TO. It suits him. This is how he's trying to control you. And also, he believes that it makes him better, because she's the bad guy.
He is using you agains her (he's making her jealous) and her against you. He reas all teh benefits, all teh attention, all the "love".
DON'T BUY INTO THAT.
You father is probably a narcissist. Don't let him blackamail you. When you'are a kid, your relationship with your parents is their responsability. If it's not good, well guess what? It's their fault.
(I am not talking about kids who amre manipulated by one parent against another. )
Plase understand that if he doesn't change - and he won't - you are better off without him.
You are not a real person to him. He's using you. Don't let him blackamailk you with money either. You won't see a cent of it. He's a drama queen and just wants the attention.
Don't explain. This is all about you. If he wants to be apart of it he can - ALONE.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2022):
 Sweetheart, you are an adult. Your father's new wife only has the power over you which YOU permit. Stop allowing it. How she reacts to the news that she is not invited to your graduation is up to her. It has nothing to do with you.
And stop allowing your father to bully you into "mending bridges" with her. I would also go as far as to change your email address so this woman cannot email you and even change your mobile number so your father can't abuse you by text. Withhold your number when you phone him.
This is YOUR life. If others don't bring something worthwhile to it, they should lose the privilege of being part of it. Nobody has a right to make you feel bad about yourself. NOBODY. Start living your life.
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female
reader, Emma Heart +, writes (12 June 2022):
Emma Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon, thank you very much for your answer. I know what you mean and I agree, I was referring to the whole "personal celebration" after the actual university ceremony however.
I expect that my parents will want to "celebrate" that I've graduated after the actual ceremony, and I haven't seen my father in 2 years. So naturally they will probably want "both sets of couples" there to celebrate. My mother has already suggested that we go for drinks after the ceremony or have a personal celebration that evening, and that's what I think my father will insist the step-mother coming to. Apologies I think I miscommunicated this in my question.
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2022): I apologize if I got it wrong ( I probably did ! ) but, if you are only allowed 2 invitations, does not the problem sort itself out ? 2 tickets,one for your mother, one for your father. I don't think even the most narcissistic of the stepmothers would expect that you kick out your own mother to accomodate her.Anyway , in your shoes, I'd hold my ground.You don't want her at your graduation , and whether she really deserves all your dislike or not, that does not matter- the point is that this will be a very special memorable day for you and you deserve to share it with people you really care about.So I would still try to not antagonize anybody and would avoid long complex explanations and rievocations of past hurt, but I would keep it short, simple and firm.You want close family only - blood relatives,period. Then again, if your stepmother gets offended , what do you care ? It's not as if you had a great relationship as it is.
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