A
female
age
51-59,
*opelessforever
writes:i have been married now 16 years, in the last 3 years its been going down hill.my husband dont show any love towards me any more, no kiss, hug, not even a smile,sex is maybe every 2 months, i found out he has been talking to a female employee of ours for years, iv been told that they do talk alot on the cell phone, and i have seen the the call logs. we pay for all our employees cell phones, 5 6 times a day and anywhere from 5 mintues to 80 minutes any time of the day or night. He never calls me not even to say hi. At our annual christmas party i caught them eyeing each other all night, even 2 other people came to me to say this to me and i didnt say anything to anyone of what i was seeing. i love him completely. we have 2 teenagers, and i dont want to divorce him and i dont to leave me...what should i do?
View related questions:
christmas, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hopelessforever +, writes (19 June 2008):
hopelessforever is verified as being by the original poster of the question dearest smiles....OK it took a good 20 Min's and repeat reading your answers....tears started falling when i thought there was no more left........although, i was everything you suggested, hair, gym, nails, sexy lingerie, even lost a lot of weight, i was a tease when ever he wanted,(no was not a word for sex with me, i love sex), we always enjoyed sex, in fact it was the only thing we have going until he stopped wanting me..yeah male menopause sums up what i have been thinking for along time...yes he will be 45 in October....i have notice three OK four things that mean everything to him...kid's, good one, money, power, and image.....hey when his best friends come to me and say " he is acting weird lately and my husband has stopped talking to them and use to be little them in front of other people..he has differently lost 2 good long life friends and it breaks my heart to see them hurting like that, because he does the same to me, varying controlling....but thank god for you ,,,you have given me one more "get up and go"..lords knows he don't deserve me and my strength for what he has put me through...but yes i do love him despite the hurt he has given me...but i clearly am a forgiving person, I'm stronger then he thinks, and yes girlfriend..i will work it like hes never seen before...i knew my angel was around somewhere , just took her sweet time getting to me lol....yes you dearest smiles.....may you always and forever be a guiding light for many loney unhappy women who needs someone just in time....god bless you..OK I'll shut up now....please be forever friends......Karen x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Thanks for the additional info, that helps, and gives me a more clear picture. (Must admit, I was suspecting something like this, not new).
I pressume he is in his forties; often men in there specially late forties have this kind of behaviour; (sorry guys, but I have seen this so often, not all, but often); I always refer to it as the "male menopause". They normally are settled, comfortable home,family; good career/business; but they realize they are not getting younger, and somehow there is no excitement; everything is going well; then they look for excitement or sometimes innocently they become the victim or the prey of some woman who has less morals and thinks it is fun to lure the boss.Sure this starts (most of the time) all innocent, they enjoy the attention; makes life exciting; vow, somebody notices them, pay compliments; makes them feel needed and important; this is the danger zone.
They start sharing the details and vow, he feels she is interested and keen to listen; this is the normal trend. Suddenly the wife becomes dull and boring;family time, also explains to me, he feels quilty that is why he is trying to exclude you.However, if he was madly in love with her or anybody else, he would have moved out and asked you for a divorce; therefor I believe, he is not that "into" her and he does not want his comfort zone disrupted; why will he want to do that if he can have his bread buttered both sides?
Okay, so if that is the scenario; how do you win him back; as you don't want to divorce him?
Do you still love him?
Are you still attracted to him?
Let's pressume the answer is yes.
You have mentioned you tried all the normal things, romantic dinners etc.
I am going to suggest something completely different, might sound crazy, but it did help and worked for lots of others. Think about it and even if you just do it for yourself, as you will feel better from doing it to; and you might have the results you are hoping for and have your husband "back"
You seem an attractive person taking good care of yourself, however; start doing things different; start paying even more attention to yourself; change your wardrobe, change your hairstyle or color, start going to gym or dance lessons, take up tennis or some type of pottery or something; he will notice you are different; don't discuss the detail of what you do or where you go; he will soon realize something is happening and start asking questions; then flirt with him; don't try and do more; no, if he then wants sex, try and avoid it for a while, tease him; get him excited, text some femal friend in the evenings when he is at home, or ask her to send you a text message. Get him worried, but also pay attention to him, in flirting, tell him, something like vow, I notice this or that shirt looks great, or stupid silly things.....
This guy will not know what is going on or what has hit him.
Please never refer to this woman or the telephone calls again, he must think you don't care anymore, he will get worried.
Nothing is ever hopeless, unless you have tried it all.
Good luck, and enjoy....you will have great fun; start pampering yourself, getting the attention going!
...............................
A
female
reader, hopelessforever +, writes (19 June 2008):
hopelessforever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for being so nice Smiles, it feels good.Yes it all started when we hired her, only i didn't see it coming, a loyal elder employee has gracefully mention that they always talked a lot on the phone, cause he was training her. we had arguments like any other married couple starting a business together, but i thought we were OK. i did (lol did,being past tense, when i confronted him with the cell bill and that i know all about their talks, and what people had told me, i said its me or her, and lol guess what,,, I'm a house spouse cleaning and cooking )all the accounting, payroll year end, typed the invoices things like that. i don't know if she is the cause or just being his friend. I had 4 people that said they (not at the same, over the years)asked him if there was something going on between them, they told me about it, he denied anything to them all. family time is another problem...not much i have to ask for time but he always plans things with the kids, and don't tell me about them until the night before it happeneds,He do not include me, acts like I'm not even in the room..hey great dad , bad husband. he don't go on business trips but..dirt biking, he has a Harley and takes weekend rides,things like that...and no wife is a no no.he don't work normal hours,Comes and goes as he pleases.2 hours at the gym, 2 hours at boxing, i don’t even ask,
...............................
A
female
reader, hopelessforever +, writes (19 June 2008):
hopelessforever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow, thank you for responding so fast...well i quest i was to emotional to really get my question across properly, but was told not to make it a long story.....looks like i was doing all the things...i tried everything...dinner, movie, night away to hotel, casino, football games, he has season tickets to bills and toronto argos, i had to beg for him to take to game, but not alone, he ask our friends to come along, ever had offered for me to go to any games, takes the boyfriends,he joined the gym, boxing, works all day, hmm, and plays hockey once a week late hockey,.i tried nicely to talk to him about everything,and we even did marriage counciling, then i confronted him about all the print offs i have about the cell calls....he said with great histation that its work..yeah..10 11pm,,not...he even went across the border with his brother for a week golfing...they called each other alot..when i tried calling him he didnt pick up so i called him by blocking my phone number to private caller (which our employees numbers show up on thier phones) and he would answer immediately, so i wouldnt say anything just hung up. gee i could go on for hours..sorry..thankx for listening
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I would love to try and help you and offer a few suggestions, but
I would like to ask you a few more questions if possible.Trying to get a more clear "picture".
You mention things started going downhill in the last 3 years, is there something spesific that you can recall that happened? A bad argument or something?
Are you also involved in the business or at the offices?
How long has the female employee being employed by your company? What I am trying to figure here, did things start going wrong before she started working for you or afterwards, is there a link?Could she have a direct influence on the problem or is it merely that as things were going wrong at home she was there to listen.
How often do you spend time alone as a family? What is he like when around the children?
Does he go away on business trips?
Does he work normal working hours or is his hours irregular?
You can reply on my email should you wish.
Hang in there,don't give up.
...............................
A
female
reader, hopelessforever +, writes (19 June 2008):
hopelessforever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow, thank you for responding so fast...well i quest i was to emotional to really get my question across properly, but was told not to make it a long story.....looks like i was doing all the things...i tried everything...dinner, movie, night away to hotel, casino, football games, he has season tickets to bills and toronto argos, i had to beg for him to take to game, but not alone, he ask our friends to come along, ever had offered for me to go to any games, takes the boyfriends,he joined the gym, boxing, works all day, hmm, and plays hockey once a week late hockey,.i tried nicely to talk to him about everything,and we even did marriage counciling, then i confronted him about all the print offs i have about the cell calls....he said with great histation that its work..yeah..10 11pm,,not...he even went across the border with his brother for a week golfing...they called each other alot..when i tried calling him he didnt pick up so i called him by blocking my phone number to private caller (which our employees numbers show up on thier phones) and he would answer immediately, so i wouldnt say anything just hung up. gee i could go on for hours..sorry..thankx for listening
...............................
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I know there isn;t an easy answer here - but the first step would seem to be to try and talk with your hubby about your feelings, your fears and your desire to examine your marriage/current relationship...if you think things have been going downhill for a few years then it shouldn't come as a surprise to him. Maybe try telling him how much you love and care for him - but that you have been seeing the two of you growing further apart and would like to discuss what you;re both feeling. You need to let him talk, listen to what he says without interrupting if possible - then reflect back what you heard (so he knows you heard and understood)..then hopefully he will feel more able to hear what you say/how you feel about things. I would tell him you have felt concerned about his involvement with staff...and ask if you have reason to be worried, but not right at the start...it's not the only issue) The only thing is - you will need to be prepared to possibly hear things you don;t want to hear... but hopefully not.
Hopefully you can get some open communication going and you may be able to come up with some strategies to feel closer to each other - just try some small stuff, like a "date" - dinner and a movie or something. Maybe start going for morning walks or go to lessons together (coffee making or sailing...something you can have some fun with together!)...show him the side of you he really loves!!
I know you're afraid - that you'll loose your man etc - but it sounds to me that you don;t really "have him" at the moment...so you do need to do something to bring things to a head, whatever the result it will be better than the status quo.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Sounds like things have really deteriorated between the two of you, you need to have a long chat to him, with all the evidence you have of phone calls etc and find out what is going on. Maybe things have gotten stale between the two of you and the female employee showed him some interest, made him feel good about himself.. You say you love him but does he love you? Are you prepared to stay with thim eventhough it seems the whole office knows of their affair? Are you prepared to be unhappy but married?
...............................
|
