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female
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*rabianeyes
writes: Hello, I'm a 26 year old female married and have two kids. Been married for the past 3 years. When we first got married he hardely said anything that if I look good or no, once in a while! The problem is that I go crazy if I see him standing with another woman at work, or smoking with her or even saying hi to her! I'm insecure; I know that, and I can't help it! I'm afraid he might be cheating or he already has! I once went to pick him up from work, and a girl came, out pushed him as a tease, and when I asked him why did she do that, he said cause he said a bad word to her! I told him it seems like you have a strong friendship with her, he said no. But he knows she goes to a university. He knows what time she starts working even though they're both in a different department. Help! Should I just ignore it and beleive what my husband says or watch him? (By the way, that girl has two boyfriends and one of them is my husband's friend from work). What should I do so I can put my head on the pillow and just fall asleep?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): Rebecca Batchelor's advice to you is very sensible, and I suggest you follow it. However, I'd like to add one more point - you need to be aware that ultimately this is your problem. You say you 'can't help' being so insecure - you're fooling yourself here, as you're actually the ONLY person who can stop yourself from feeling this way. Yes, it sounds like your boyfriend could help out by being a bit nicer to you, but at the end of the day you are accusing him based on the fact that he has chatted about university with a co-worker, and that shows me that you're the one with the deep issue here. You have to want to change yourself because you're the only one who can make the decision to stop being so paranoid. If you really love your man, you will give him your trust, and as far as I can see he really hasn't done anything to lose that trust. I think it's very important for you to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, and until you do you will probably continue to feel this way however much your boyfriend tries to reassure you. Please think about this, and try to have the attitude that you're going to work hard at this because your relationship is worth it.
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (17 November 2005):
 I think it may be the time for you to have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to know more of what you are feeling.
Explain to him how insecure you are feeling and that you are uncertain as to his feelings sometimes for you as he doesn't always express how he feels, may not always tell you that you look gorgeous, etc.
Express that as a result you often wonder if he is interested in someone else and that this worries you as you would like to feel secure in the marriage.
You need to be able to work on your marriage together and find ways to raise your confidence and self esteem so that these doubts don't keep surfacing. He also needs to reassure you that you are the only one for him.
You have other pressures in your life with looking after two children and explain to him that sometimes it is nice to receive some TLC to make you feel good.
Consider making time for each other and sharing some quality time together at least once a week.
Also, indulge yourself too with a spot of pampering. Go out with your friends and have a good time. Find other interests to occupy you so that you can be more independent.
The last thing that you want to do is watch your husband; this will cause you more stress and discomfort. Instead, explain to him how you are feeling, ask him to reassure you so that your worry can decrease, ask him to spend time with you, suggest ways of reigniting the spark if he or you feels it has dimmed. The most important thing to do is to keep the communication channels open and make him aware of your thoughts and feelings.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005):
You need medication. Your 'clues' are ridiculous.
But if he has to put up with years of accusations it will drive him away.
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