A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to my partner (we have been together several years), and he said the only reason he won't be having a stripper on his stag night is because i'm really paranoid (I have a mental illness).So, I said that I thought he was doing it to be nice and I couldn't understand why he'd want to watch another woman get naked and dance for him.His reply was 'Fine i'm not nice then, but that's not what I said I wanted' (In relation to the last thing I said).Then I said that if he had a woman stripping and dancing for him, i'd have a man do that to me (I wouldn't, because I consider it cheating) and he said if I did he'd dump me.I just really don't want him to have a stripper and i've tried to say that but he sighs everytime as though it's something he wishes he could have. Plus, his friends might hire one and I know if he did have one it would ruin my wedding, I wouldn't be happy or feel comfortable with him.Help please? I'm very insecure about myself due to my illness.
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engaged, fiance, insecure, stag , stripper, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (29 April 2009):
 "We work on the basis that he can tell me what to do most of the time (we live a 1950s style life) and I love it that way, it's just I don't want him to have a stripper!"
There is a big contradiction here. To be frank, if you like him telling you what to do then you're going to have to put up with it, aren't you?
You can't say you want him to make all the decisions but then say you do not want him to have a stripper. It can't work both ways.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): What is the reason that you dont want him to have a stripper? I know you say that you are paranoid - but what is it you are afraid of? He will find her more attractive than you? He will prefer her body to yours? He will compare you to her? The will have sex with her?
Is there a specific thing that you are paranoid of?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 I guess your only solution to this stripper problem is to let your fiance know how you feel about it, and since he makes all the decisions in this relationship, you can only HOPE that he will decide to respect your wishes on the matter. I just hope you won't be spending the next year fretting about this, stay on the meds and discuss this with your therapist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): Hang on a minute - he said he WASN'T going to have a stripper on his stag night, so where's the problem?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't come here with the intention to have feminists trying to brainwash me (because I am very antifeminist).
I would never want to live like you do, it's the reason men are so unhappy these days (who wants a bossy, controlling woman?), the divorce rate is higher, the kids are in so much trouble, women are still single in their 30s - it goes on and on.
I have my share of education, i'm a very intelligent person (I was accepted into six Universities, which is the max here) and I was strong enough not to be pushed by today's feminist society into doing something that would make me unhappy.
I am very, very happy in my relationship and the only reason I have this issue is because of the paranoia that my mental illness brings me. My fiance always takes my feelings into account, I am never pushed to the side and we are happier than anyone I have ever known.
You can be ignorant of it all you want, but it just change the facts.
The advice at the start of this was very good, so thankyou for that, but the feminist lectures are unhelpful to everybody.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (29 April 2009):
 Wow this whole question has now started to get into a battle of words and beliefs it seems.
Look I didn't realise what your beliefs are but like you say they are your beliefs, I would however just take one element of the anonymous writer and say that you should have other outside interests and the more qualifications and knowledge you have of the working world is always handy as another string to your bow.
Some women don't get a choice in life and have to work to support themselves and sometimes their children. Get your skills would be my advice as nothing is certain in life and if a relationship does ever go down the pan you need to be able to turn your hand to anything, waitressing, bar work, working in a supermarket or just doing cleaning work, none of these should be regarded as insignificant as we all have needs but if you do ever have to earn good money then having other skills i.e. computer or a good qualification behind you will always stand you in good stead. In this financial climate I would always suggest that a woman has as many skills as possible. That is not sexist either as I would say the same to a man as well. Keep your skills up to date and don't rely on any other human being, there is never any relationshp that can be 100% certain.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): It's okay if you don't want to have a career and just want your man to take care of you. But you will have to make some sacrifices by living this lifestyle and his bachelor's party is a good indication of what you're in for. I believe he will always do whatever he wants, regardless of your feelings. You will have to accept his behavior because part of the 50's image is keeping the little woman in the dark. This type of life is your choice and you have the right to make that choice. But it comes with a price. And if you want the advise of forward-thinking women who frequently post here, you may have to accept our shock and dismay with your choices. Also keep in mind that later down the road, if you start to feel like this arrangement is not worth it, you may have a harder time leaving because you've never had a job or learned how to run your own life. And there's nothing worse than being trapped in a relationship where you feel unloved and unappreciated. I suspect your b/f will have a stripper at his party regardless of what you say. Just be aware that lots of strippers do have sex with the groom-to-be if they are paid and urged on by all the other males at the party. You may as well get used to this type of behavior from your man. Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep, I said that I believe, key word there, believe as in that is my opinion. I'm not forcing anyone to stay at home, am I? It's just my belief.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): You don't make anyone live the life they don't want to??
You just said "I don't believe women should have careers"
What???
Whyever not??
Nevermind that you're letting him tread on you; you just quashed half the population!
I find your post upsetting!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, it's not part of my illness that I let him make my decisions, it's that that's how I feel life should be and it's to do with my beliefs and principals.
We're all entitled to our opinions and I don't make anyone live their life how they don't want to.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (28 April 2009):
 ps- I just read your last followup and I'm not sure how to react to that. it seems quite sexist.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (28 April 2009):
I would never let my boyfriend have a stripper. But I do tend to make most of his decisions sometimes anyways. He doesn't mind && if he feels strongly about something he speaks up. I completely understand you being against a stripper. But you let him make your decisions && honestly you can't really have it both ways. The fact that he would dump you if you had a male stripper concerns me. I think he's taking advantage of your illness. I hope you don't mind me asking, but is the fact that you let him make your decisions a part of your illness?
also, you should show him this page so he'll know what other people think about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's more than just being told what to do - I don't believe women should have careers, it's all the mentality of the 1950s, not just the being told what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): If you love being told what to do, then you will have to take the good with the bad. But beware, once he crosses this line, there will be others that hurt you just as much. You should really re-examine your 1950's relationship because it's 2009 and I think it'll get old very quickly.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 April 2009):
OK well others have said what they feel and after reading your follow up I think that there is still a long time before your actual ceremony so don't keep on putting yourself through hell right now.
Calm yourself right down and just concentrate on you and making yourself feel better, don't think about Summer of 2010 yet you have the rest of 2009 to go through and NO ONE can say how we change even in 6 months so do what is good for YOU right now and settle with your medication and seeing your psychiatrist.
I do agree that if the stripper is an issue prior to the wedding then you agree that you are BOTH able to have one and then you both don't know what the other one is like or you agree to NOT have one on either side, there is always the danger of someone else organising it for each of you so why not say that if we TRUST one another and LOVE one another what is the issue here.
Wish you well and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're not in a 50/50 relationship though. We work on the basis that he can tell me what to do most of the time (we live a 1950s style life) and I love it that way, it's just I don't want him to have a stripper!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (28 April 2009):
 I see this to be a much bigger problem. What your b/f is telling you is he can do something and you cannot. That is unfair. He's saying he would dump you if you had a male stripper but he thinks it's perfectly ok to have a female stripper. I hate to say it but your man is not as ready to settle down as he is pretending to be. And if you do tie the knot, you are going to have a long haul in training him about how a 50/50 relationship works. If you can't do it, neither can he. And if he does, well you know the saying - what's good for the goose is good for the gander. This discussion is not just about stripper, it's about he perceives the marriage to be -- he can do whatever he wants because "he's the man" and you cannot. You've got your work cut out for you. This is only the beginning. And P.S. marriage is about sacrifices. He needs to start now, and skip the stripper. And if I were you, I'd subtly find out where his bachelor's party is going to be held and then show up to make sure it's stripper-free. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, GoldenSovereign +, writes (28 April 2009):
The so-called 'stag' night is a completely selfish party. If a man loves a woman with all his heart and knows that a stripper would upset her...having a stripper would not even be an option. Also, you ARE who you associate with. If his friends would hire a stripper for him and he goes along with it...and it's his batchelor party...he is just as guilty as they, for going along with it.
All set aside...if you are crazy in love with him, is his having a stripper going to prevent you from taking the vows with him?
What you are going to have to settle within yourself is if you are going to trust him or not. And Can you be ultimately happy even after knowing that he had a stripper the night before your wedding? If you cannot...then it wont get any easier after the vows. In my opinion, a stripper would definitely be a bad start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSummer 2010, but I do get heavy paranoia about things way in advance (and we're both 20, we've been together since we were 16).And yeah, i'm on medication and seeing a Psychiatrist for it, so by that time I should be a lot better.No, I know he loves me, I don't have any doubt it that, it's just my mind runs away with me! I can't stop it, it's just insane.And thankyou :)
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 April 2009):
You say you have a mental illness and obviously this does cloud your judgement.
You don't mention when you are due to get married so I am wondering whether you are getting yourself worked up over something that is in the distance or if you are getting jitters now and the fear of losing him is what you are more concerned about rather than a stripper.
At the end of the day, yes there is a possibility that someone else could hire a stripper for his stag night and he wouldn't even know about it, he would look quite a weak man if he turned round and said 'don't get one because my fiance won't like it. That is like waving a red flag to some guys because they will do it all the more, i.e. the guys who may be arranging his stag do.
What I am confused about here is that you don't want him to have a stripper then you taunt him that you may have one instead and he then says that if you did he would dump you.
I am guessing that both of you are quite young i.e. 18 - 21 so are you both actually convinced in your own minds that you are ready to make this commitment to one another by going through marriage to make sure both of you know that you love one another and you have this security blanket.
Do you have ongoing treatment for your illness or have any regular counselling as I think you are putting yourself under an awful amount of added stress with all these stag/hen night fears at the moment?
Your fiance obviously loves you otherwise he wouldn't have asked you to marry him, do you have any doubts about how much he loves you or is it all the hype behind the stag night and stories you have heard that is making you more insecure about it all.
I don't think your fiance saying that if you have a stripper it is the end of us is making you feel that he is committed to your relationship so I would question that aspect of it all but I do think you need to make sure you are taking any prescribed medication and you are talking to your doctor and any counsellor on a regular basis to help you see things more clearly amongst all this confusion.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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