A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 23 year old male with a 23 year old girlfriend. We have been together since we were 17ish, had 1 or 2 breaks, but now were serious and committed.I live with her mum dad and sis, and have done for a couple of years now. We are happy and have a healthy relationship.There's one massive thing thats bugging me though. I dont want kids! We've talked about it before, and Ive said "i dont think i want em," which has always provoked the response, "aww you will some day!" Not only from her, but from alot of people.However, im starting to get worried now, as i reluctantly agreed to one child. I was kind of forced into mumbling, "erm... yerr" in a not so serious conversation. I don't even think it was a question, more of her saying, "when we get our house we'l just have one kid."This conversation happened about 6mts ago, and she has mentioned it to her mum in a general conversation. Which has scared me a little.What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell...here's an update.
We're pregnant :)
I'm so glad i never took the advice from all the people telling me to end it, all the people telling me to "man up and decide", its not an easy decision! In fact, its a decision i don't think i ever would have made, it's not that i didn't want kids, its just that i didn't want to make the decision to make an actual baby, until i was told i WAS going to be a father! These things naturally occur, the universe has made the decision for me. I'm over the moon, and so is she, I'm scared a little, but who isn't? Wish me luck.
P.S. We moved out too!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 One of the myriad of reasons why my husband ended his first marriage was because she refused to have children...once she was married that is. Before the marriage it was "maybe someday". Once she got that ring on her finger she was adamant about it. It is a big deal breaker. Tell her how you feel before you waste anymore of your precious time on what may turn out to be a dead end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): No OP, you haven't told her you didn't want kids, you pussyfooted around and said you "don't think" and now have even said you agreed to one.
That's not telling someone a certainty that's being flaky and keeping the door open to changing your mind.
You need to have a serious chat with her and tell her categorically that you don't want kids, to the point where you're considering a vasectomy and if you're not considering one then why not? If you're so 100% sure of this have your tubes tied and be done with it.
So to echo the sentiments of the others, man up and tell her the real deal, instead of letting her plan and fantasize about you two being parents and playing happy families, tell her the truth.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2013):
 "I don't think I want them " is very different from "NO I DO NOT WANT KIDS EVER!"
reluctantly agreeing to one child is NOT saying "NO I DON'T WANT KIDS EVER"
go to her and say "ya know you are bullying me... I DON'T WANT KIDS EVER and therefore you have a choice to make... either you stay with me and give up the dream of babies or we need to break up"
sadly these are you options... end it with her or have that child you reluctantly agreed to have.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 I had read your question properly, but just in case I re-read it today.
It still says that you told her " I think I don't want children ". Which it is quite different from " I am sure, positive , certain that I don't want children ". Or just from " I don't want children ". " I think " implies the not totally certainty , the possibility, no matter how remote,that you may change your mind.
Then, you say ... " I reluctantly agreed to have one child ". If you have agreed, albeit reluctantly, ...then you haven't been that clear, assertive and inequivocable in stating your position, have you ?
If you started with "thinking " you don't want children, then you say , well, OK, just one ... I am not surprised that she is not taking you seriously and, maybe, deep down, she feels in time she'll bring you around to 2, 3, or more. If it took you so little to go from zero to one...
Anyway, as Person1234 says, this is a dealbreaker, and
if you are sure that a) you won't change your mind b ) she won't change HER mind c) she is not taking your affirmation as seriously as she should - then all you can do is breaking up now. So that nobody keeps wasting their time.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 February 2013):
 There IS no other advice. You are both in denial here. You think she will change her mind, she thinks you will change your mind but I don't see that happening. If you are certain it's not a matter of "telling her" it's a matter of breaking up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to confirm with all the people saying "man up," that I already HAVE told her if you read the question properly. She just keeps saying I will someday and laughs it off. I'm asking for advice for me here, not for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): You are still very young, and so there is a huge chance of you changing your mind within the next 15 years.But it wouldn't hurt to seriously let your girlfriend know that at this point in your life you do not see children in your future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 February 2013):
Be honest. Stop deceiving her. Now she is under the false impression that you have agreed on having one child. Tell her the truth, and don't tell her" I think that I don't want children " but "I am sure that I don't want children ".
Sure, people can change their minds- didn't the Pope just chane his mind about being a Pope ? You might change yours- or also not.
At least she will be able to decide whether she wants to run the risk of you NOT change your mind, or play it safe and not to be cheated out of the children she wants and she could have with someone else.
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (12 February 2013):
If you don't want kids, even if it's just for now you need to tell her, if she's at the age she want's kids she will harp on until she gets them, either you need an ultimatum or break up with her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2013):
while you may change your mind.... I know my husband never wanted kids.... he never had any... and his two stepsons by me were in their 20s when he got them... no parenting....
I know of two couples who never wanted children and never had them... in one of the couples, the husband would have liked children but the wife did not want so they did not have.
I think it's easier for a man who wants to not have than for a mother who does not want to have.... or a man who does not want to be forced into it.
My son is 26 and he always said he does not want kids.... what he says now is that if he meets someone and she wants kids he will rethink it.... (as is common as folks age)
IF you know you do not want kids you must man up and tell her.
and sadly it may end the relationship. in fact, if you really do not want kids and she does, it's a fundamental difference that there can be no compromises on... and you will have to break up.
but you can't go along with her believing you want kids and then when push comes to shove you either will disappoint her and she will probably have to leave at a later age and find someone then to have children with, or you will give in and have a child you will never fully love and will always resent.
You have to decide what to do.
My vote: tell her the truth now and leave her now if she insists she will want kids.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 February 2013):
 You should "man up" and decide - for sure - if you DO or DON'T want to be a father to (any number of) children....
IF you don't wish to be... then you need to tell this girl that having children is a "deal breaker" for you.... and that any prospects for marriage are out of the question....
IF you have done so - or believe that you will - cave to having children... then make that decision now, before you screw up things any more with this girl....
This is YOU decision.... YOUR'S, ONLY... and you MUST MAKE IT.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): If you really dont want kids then you have to tell her before its too late and its not fair to force you but you have to tell her because it seems that her and others arent taking seriously.Hope this helps.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 February 2013):
If you don't want kids and she does, that is a dealbreaker. One of you will always feel unhappy in the relationship and it just can't work.
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