A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 year old woman who has been with my partner for over 4 years. This is the best relationship I've ever had and I love him dearly and I'm very happy.Him and I have a bit of an issue however.He wants children while I do not. When we first got together we had this talk and I mentioned to him I am pretty sure that I do not want children but my mind may change when I get older and he was completely okay with this and told me he was unsure himself.Well over the past year or so we have come to the realization that I do not want children, and he does. We are both 100% sure of our decision. Our question is, Can our relationship work? We do not want to break up, but we have different decisions about something very important.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 August 2015):
 Sadly if you both stay the way that you are, with neither one compromising, then no I don't see how it could work. One person is going to have to give in one way or the other and you both seem like its not a subject you will compromise on. Either you have a baby that you don't really want to have and might be resentful of it down the road...(I don't mean that to be disrespectful). If you don't want a child you don't want one and that's fine but your guy does..OR you don't have children and he grows more and more disenchanted and resentful of you because you deprived him of children. It just won't work. Someone will have to give.
I will tell you this. I was never one to be excited about babies/children. I had babysitting jobs every summer from the time I was 14-18 and it never thrilled me. Yeah, the kids were cute but I didn't feel any need to have children. It just wasn't something that I needed.
I accidentally got pregnant when I was 19 and I was scared beyond belief and horrified. My boyfriend REALLY wanted a child. We got married and once the baby came along, it was awesome. The marriage didn't last but I had a beautiful daughter and my heart just melted. I went on to have another child (son) 5 years later.
It IS possible that you will change your mind about having children, but I doubt if your boyfriend will ever change his mind and not want them. Some people just really feel that need...others do not.
My current husband never had children and at our age (50's) we won't. He's absolutely fine with it. Its different for every person. You two really need to work this out though because the longer you go on into the relationship without things being resolved, the harder its going to be down the road.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): "I want, I want, I want"...
That's all I hear. For me, relationships are about compromise. When you started you said you might change your mind. Now you've realised that you don't want to. Fair enough.
But for me, true love is when you put the other's wants and needs before your own (and hopefully your partner does too!) and somehow find a middle ground.
The only unusual bit in this story is that he wants children more than you do. But there are several men, who are very much against the idea, go ahead with it to appease their partner and not break up, but then couple of years in, that child is the focus and centre of their lives.
It's a huge risk, of course, and this is not guaranteed to happen to you, but really think about your wants. Did you want the same things when you were 15? Or 20?Or 25?
Say,at 7, you wanted to be a cosmonaut, at 15 you wanted to be a doctor, at 20, wanted to be an accountant and at 25 sick of the admin job decided to travel the world (this does actually happen and more regularly than people think).
My point is that people change their minds.
You either grow together or grow apart.
I think another commentator nailed it-neither of you is willing to budge (or find out why the other doesn't want to budge),so eventually one of you will feel hard done by and resentment will start to grow where once there was love.
Talk, talk, talk, analyse your own behaviour, ask him to analyse his, analyse the roots of your desires (as they change with age as I have said) and if a compromise can't be reach- then is no deal, obviously.
Your aim is to reach compromise always.
If you can't=there is nothing left to talk about. It's time for actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): How can things continue how they are? Either way, one of you will always blame the other for not having what they wanted from life. You do not want a child and he does.
If minds are made up, I can't see how you could stay together. Whilst you love each other, one of you will be making a huge sacrifice and one day that could be the source of much regret and upset. You need to talk to each other more on the topic. You need to find out whether he is happy to sacrifice his desire to have a family in order to stay with you. Or give him the option to leave and be with someone who can share that dream and future while you share your life with someone else who would rather not have a family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): I know it must be hard to think of sacrificing your relationship for having different decisions on one thing. But this one thing is very different than a lot of other things.For example, if you wanted to live on a mountain and he wanted to live in NYC, you could have a long distance relationship. If you are a vegan and he loves bacon, you can each eat a different meal.If you have sex drive and he has less, you can meet half way. But if you do not want children and he does, now that is something to do with the relationship itself, and it cannot be met half way! And you should know one more thing- for people who want children, it is one of the main reasons they have a relationship/marriage. So for him, the purpose of your relationship might have reduced by 70 to 90% depending on how emotionally connected he is with having a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): You said you don't want KidS ... could you compromise with one kid? You wouldn't have to stay home with the kid either, with paternity leave you could stick him with that job :) If you did split up, you could discuss giving him resident custody etc. I know it is quite a big thing and not one to be entered into lightly but I think a lack of kids might be a deal breaker - you know him, could he live without that one element? By the way, I know a couple in their 30s determinded they would never have kids ... by 40 they have two toddlers. So you might even change your mind or even he may change his mind.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 August 2015):
 Both of you have very uncompromising positions and such typically break down the bonds. You two may not split tomorrow, but down the line, sometimes, when he decides to have kids, he will need another woman. Where does that leave you?
So the process and timing of your break up maybe unclear but in the end you eventually will break down, unless another alternative arrangement is found between you two.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): Put simply - no. How could it possibly work? You'd be more likely to love a child you have, than him being happy not having any. That said, if you don't want any, you shouldn't have any.
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A
female
reader, mzhopelesslove +, writes (20 August 2015):
What you should both ask yourselves if why he wants children and why you do not. Is the reason for you not wanting kids the pain of carrying and delivering them? Or is it the responsibility of raising another human being? Does he want kids because he just wants a legacy or someone to pass on traditions to? Once those questions are answered, see if adoption is an option, or even a surrogate mother. If the final decision is still a "no", you may have to talk about the future of your relationship. Because the worst thing is brining children into the world, without the want or desire to ever have children...Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 August 2015):
 Ibet you know someone with small kids. If so, let hubby hang out with them for a while...he'll get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): The longer you continue the relationship, the harder its gonna get. You both want different things. You should be in a relationship with someone who wants the same things as you. Your partner won't be able to fill his life goals as a father while he is with you as you don't want children. Its gonna be hard but in my opinion you have to let go.
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