A
female
age
30-35,
*crystalxo
writes:I am a 27 year old woman who comes from divorced parents who are still toxic towards each other until this day. My older brother is getting married to a woman who is bipolar, has blackout rage and abuses substances. (This is not an opinion, she has been diagnosed.) They have been dating for a while and I’ve witnessed her completely degrade him in front of me. I have cousins who have witnessed this as well and at this point, I avoid all family gatherings in which she plans to attend. He started dating this woman who said her only criteria for a partner is that her partner be a black man. In additional to that, she has made very fetishizing comments towards him. She has made racist comments/racial jokes (that are not funny) about asians IN FRONT of our fathers Asian wife. He has moved 2hrs away with her and without any notification to o the family beforehand, she has now become his fiancée. My brother understands I am not supportive with his partner due to the fact that he has to hide and speak to me if we are ever on the phone. If she’s around, he never answers the phone when I call him and truthfully, I am worried about his safety. She is extremely controlling and abuses finances which often results in him having to take care of her bills even though this depletes his financial savings. Control to the point that for the birthday of my brother, I was UNINVITED to his birthday party due to the fact that I was unvaccinated because of her having a vaccinated diabetic father who was in attendance. I currently live with a diabetic person and this is very out of my brothers character which had lead me to believe she had a hand in doing this. Nonetheless, I have no proof but that was his choice and I respected his decision and did not attend. No fuss, no fight. Having expressed my concerns with my brother, he has disregarded my help which is fine that’s also his choice. JUST to be clear… I have expressed my displeasure ONCE as he was venting to me about wanting to leave her and feeling like he was unable to, in which he asked me about how I feel about their relationship and what I would do in that situation. My only concern now is that’s despite his fiancée and him KNOWING how I feel, I was asked to be a bridesmaid at their wedding. I am coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist and don’t need any additional drama on my plate. I am healing through counselling but Truthfully, I don’t want any part in this wedding and don’t even understand WHY I was chosen to be a bridesmaid. I am willing to attend the wedding but this whole situation gives me anxiety. They have a engagement party in a few weeks that I don’t even want to attend … ESPECIALLY after I decline the offer to be a bridesmaid. On one hand, I feel like I’m being put in a compromising position … like I’m being forced to support this relationship but what I am watching the abuse from generations prior being present in his relationship ALONG WITH the fact that he will most likely call me and vent about how much he stressed her out. On the other hand I feel like this is my brother and I should support him. Am I wrong for declining? How can I decline being a bridesmaid without sounding mean? Because truthfully once I decline, there is no point in me going to the engagement party and having to deal with that tension. I just want to be at peace and deal with my own problems.
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cousin, divorce, emotionally abusive, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (9 June 2022):
When's the actual wedding? I've got an idea that might work but it would depend on when the big day is...
I'm also surprised that you've been asked to be bridesmaid when the fiancee dislikes you so much
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