A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I feel like a jerk because I want to break it off with my girlfriend of 8 months. I'm separated from my wife and while there is no going back, I am just not attracted to my girlfriend anymore. She's a great girl and I don't want to hurt her, but I know no matter how I tell her it's over she's going to be very hurt. After 25 years of marriage and a short term girlfriend, I'm just not ready to settle down. This girl is very in love with me, she would do anything for me, and I find it difficult accepting the benefits she's so willing to provide because I'm feeling smothered by her love. I guess there aren't many answers to this other than to tell her it's over. I want to minimize her pain, any advise? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 September 2011):
 She is going to be hurt. You can not avoid that.
The longer you draw out and pretend you are still interested in a relationship you will hurt her more.
Break up with her in person; never over the phone, email, etc. These are the cowardly ways out.
Be respectful and to the point. Be sincere about your feelings, but be KIND. Be considerate of her feelings.
"This is really hard for me to say, but I need to tell you that I can not keep dating you. I realize that this will hurt you and Im so sorry for that"
She will have questions, she will cry, she might be mad...especially if you recently acted like things are fine, talked about the future, etc. This is the part that gets really touchy. Do you comfort her? Do you explain that she is too smothering? You are going to have to play that part by ear to decide if she can handle it.
It might be best just to tell her that you are not ready to be in a long term relationship after your 25 year marriage and breakup. You do not think it is fair to her that she banks on more with you.
NO breakup is easy, but the more considerate you are about it, she will hopefully look back on it later and realize you did the best you could.
Then after you say your goodbyes-leave her alone. DO not check on her, do not call her, do not anything. Contacting her sends the wrong message and she might think you changed your mind or are hiding your true feelings, etc. Leave her alone and let her heal.
Also, it is very common for women to feel they did something wrong in the relationship. This may just be a case that two good people do not not make a good match.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I'm the original writer. I did not enter this reationship lightly. My marriage has been over for years, it wasn't like I was going from the frying pan into the fire. I want a relationship and I thought we we had a chance but I know it's not working. Thank you all who commented.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 i totally sympathise with you, it is NEVER nice to finish with someone but also you need to realise that the longer you keep this going you are wasting her time. you just need to tell her, in person (but to be honest i think on the phone is ok, but NOT BY TEXT!) and be firm, don't let her talk you round, tell you you have definitely made up your mind. of course she will be hurt but she will get over it and be free to meet someone else who has got the right feelings for her. this seems to be a case of transition relationship. she gave you comfort when you needed it but now that you are healing from your marriage break up, you are starting to see that actually, you don't need her as much as you thought you did and hence the attraction and everything else is falling away
x
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Just tell her as soon as you can so she can get over you and get on with her life.
You can't avoid hurting her or do anything to minimise it but you can be totally honest and make a clean break. Don't expect or offer friendship as this will most definitely prolong her pain and give her false hope.
As the previous aunt said, don't rush into anything else until you are absolutely sure what you want, that way you will avoid hurting anyone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (15 September 2011):
 As you said, she's going to be hurt however you tell her. The longer you hang around trying to make up your mind when/how you should do it, the more hurt she'll be.
Stress the fact that the problem lies with you not being ready to commit. After such a long marriage that's understandable but I suggest taking a long hard think about what you really want before getting involved with anyone else in the future as 8 months is a long time to realise that you actually don't want a relationship after all!
...............................
|
