A
male
age
41-50,
*anitysoul28
writes:I have a history of falling for girls who were already taken, in relationships, married, or who were themselves in love with someone else. Any help as to why a person would always let this happen and what to do about it? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): You seem a bit insecure in my opinion.
Maybe you have a fear of rejection, or trouble approaching women.
So maybe it's easier to pine over these unattainable women. Theres no pressure of asking them out, don't have to fear rejection.
Might seem safer because the option is not there.
A
male
reader, sanitysoul28 +, writes (6 October 2012):
sanitysoul28 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ aunt honesty: perhaps the thrill of the chase, or just the idea of stealing a woman away from another man turns me on subconciously, but realistically, chasing AVAILABLE women might be better idea if I could get up the nerve to go find them.
@ abella: yes I have had many painful experiences of abuse of trust and hurt feelings, feelings of abandonment. Relocation may be an idea. As far as commitment, I would commit to the right woman, but I don't meet ANY women for ANY kind of relationship. In fact I don't actually 'chase' any of these unavailable women I pine for. I'm just off in a corner with secret feelings and longings I have to hide like a dummy. At 30 years old it makes me feel especially immature.
@ blonde30s: I have floated that idea, but I dont think Id be attractive to women I'd meet online, because I don't have a constant social circle to speak of. I actually have a lot of friends, but they're scattered all over the place, vapor locked into their own daily lives and there is no central social hub. When a woman meets a man online who spends most of his time alone, I imagine that woman would feel its a desperate move (and in a way it is) and would be out the door.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 October 2012):
 This can occur when you are frightened to make a commitment. So if you choose girls who are already with a person you have a ready excuse to allow you to back out before the thought of you committing to the person is ever evident.
And because you are fearful about getting hurt by a girl, you ensure that your exit strategy is always there so that you can do the noble thing, and suggest she get back to her primary relationship.
Have you have disappointing personal relationships (family or friends or other) where others have caused you pain in the past? or have you been betray in some way that you now find it hard to trust? If yes then some therapy with a counsellor could help you explore what happened in the past and how that made you feel. And get to the original cause of why you adopted this coping mechanism to protect you from more pain
One way that might help you is to consider a short holiday in a further away place, where there is nothing like "home"
Where no one, including you, have any preconcsived ideas of who you are and what you can achieve.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Maybe deep down there is a part of you that gets a thrill of chasing a girl that is already committed to someone else. Maybe you enjoy seeing if you could actually coax another girl away, or it could be possible that you are scared of commitment therefore you fall for these girls knowing that nothing can ever happen between you. Either way you just need to get out and about and meet other single people like yourself if you are looking for love.
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