A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just need some advice on how to handle a situation I have. Let me warn you this is a little long...I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half, and over time I've slowly come to see him as my best friend too while being a romantic relationship with him. I feel like I can share anything with him, good news, sad news etc, I always go to him for advice, and he is always there for me when I am upset, he is the best shoulder to cry on and he can always make me feel better. I reciprocate in this manner, I'm always there for him too and will always listen to him and try be the best girlfriend he can count on. Being in love makes us both want to make each other happy.The other day we were talking about close friends, and I was a little upset in finding out that while he is my best friend, I am not his. He has a female best friend whom he has known for ten years. I know about her because he talks about her from time to time, and she lives a few hours away so she is considered a long distant best friend whom he contacts everyday. They are the same age also (my boyfriend is six years older than me) and he made sure it was clear to me that there is no romantic feelings involved there because if there was ever one they would have gotten together many years ago, and I trust him because he has never given me any reasons to doubt his honesty throughout my relationship with him. He also explained me to he finds the concept of a girlfriend being a best friend odd, as these two are very different relationships to him and should be separate. Like two positions, where best friend is more about comfort, and someone whom he connects with incredibly well and is like the same person to him, and girlfriend is someone who is different and always keeps him on his toes which makes the relationship exciting.Now, when I ask him if he confides in her more than me, he says no because he is the type of guy who keeps to himself but in the rare occasion that he does need to confide in someone, I'm usually the one he goes to. And he usually share good news with me first. I did point out that is how I see a best friend being, and he agreed but in terms of semantics, I am not a "best friend" I'm simply the "girlfriend"So I'm a little confused, I don't know why a long term girlfriend can't also the best friend....I soon realise I'm a little hurt also. I don't seem to share the connection he and his best friend shares, yet he sees and hangs out with me more these days. While they do know each other way longer than I know my boyfriend, (ten years versus two and a half) it still feels like a threat, and it feels strange to me. It feels like I'm being a best friend, but I'm not being acknowledged as one. And being told she understands and connects with him more does hurt my feelings. It doesn't make me feel special being a girlfriend anymore..it does make me feel like I'm in a one love relationship sometimes, or a shallow relationship where there is no connection on the other end, like I'm holding my hand out but no one is on the other end to grab it.I know I shouldn't feel this way but feelings like these can't be helped, and I was hoping I could get some advice and good words as to how to cope with this.
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female
reader, Annagram  +, writes (19 December 2009):
Yes we talked about it. He said she understood him and made him feel like a man, blah,blah,blah. Same old story that all men say when they are unhappy in their marriage.
Unfortunately, since I don't have the greatest self esteem I'm still struggling with their friendship. He works with her and would not do the No contact thing I suggested. I have a lot of excuses to why I don't divorce him, so don't suggest it. Thanks for your input. I hope your situation improves.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: Annagram
A love letter?? Isn't that emotional affair? I would hate to discover something like this too.
Did you ever find out why she was his best friend and why he went out and wrote that letter?
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A
female
reader, Annagram +, writes (13 December 2009):
I agree with you. I thought I was my husband's best friend until I found a love letter to a woman he works with that he considers his best friend. I don't like that he spends emotional time with her. It takes away from our marriage in my opinion. But I am also the jealous one and he sees it completely different. Just my 2 cents.
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