A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and I am finding it a real struggle. He said from the outset that he liked his own space and didn’t like talking much, but sometimes it gets too much for me. He had said some time ago that he wanted to see me more often but this hasn’t happened. If anything we have been seeing each other less at times. Just lately we hadn’t seen each other for 3 weeks what with one thing and another. I reminded him of what he had said to me and he just said ‘things happen sometimes’ and didn’t want me getting upset about it. But sometimes he is so chilled out about things it almost seems like he doesn’t care. I may be worrying about nothing and need to relax but I feel that as we progress in the relationship we should be spending more time getting to know each other and that he should want to spend more time with me. I took some consolation from the fact that his brother had a go at him because my boyfriend hadn’t been to visit him for the same length of time that he didn’t see me. I am not sure I understand this desire to back right off from his loved ones from time to time. Can anyone shed some light on this so that I can understand this better? I know we will have to reach some kind of compromise if the relationship is to continue because I am starting to feel like I am going out with a total stranger. I even started thinking that he has a double life like maybe he is having an affair or sleeping around, but I am not sure that he is. I think it is just my mind running riot, but I never rule anything out. I am definitely not clingy, in fact my friends say that I am possibly too chilled out, but I don't think seeing your boyfriend for only 2 hours in 3 weeks is acceptable to me. Another thing that is bugging me is that he used to want to spend all of his weekends with me (Sun/Mon) but now I feel I have been 'relegated' to Fri evenings when I can only spend a few hours with him because he has to leave very early for work the next morning. Several weekends I have been free to see him and I have had no idea what he is doing. He only told me a day or so ago that he had been for a lad's day out at the weekend which I had no idea about. I don't mind him going at all but I just wish he would keep me in the loop because I am getting to the stage where I don't know what to talk to him about. Help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 August 2008):
 Thanks for the additional information, that makes things a little clearer. So he's been quiet and laid-back, reticent from the first day you met him. I guess you were hoping for something in between the over-the-top guys and the mostly-off (as opposed to full-on) you're getting from him.
You've been dating for a year, so you should be able to communicate with each other and have some idea of where this is going.
I was in an LDR for 2 years (we were a flight apart, not driving distance) but I traveled a lot for work, as did he, so we were able to see each other frequently. Also, we'd been friends first, we met through mutual friends and didn't start dating right away. We started off very casually, and he didn't even hold my hand in front of our friends for the first 10 months or so. Things kind of tooled along after we were an acknowledged couple, then we hit a stall point too. In desperation, and not wanting to be a clingy hysterical female, I read a book that a friend had recommended, a male friend, funnily enough.
I have often recommended this book, and I'm not really sure if it's been helpful to other people because I've never had any feedback from our posters on it. No one wrote and said they hated it, so I'm going to float it out to you. It's called A Fine Romance, Judith Sills PhD. Essentially, it looks at the passage from meeting through courtship to commitment. Many people hit stalling points, and I had too. My tendency was to overdo the clingy bit and basically drive guys away because I was too needy and demanding too soon.
So the book told me how to withdraw from him, in a positive way, mind you, so that he could have a chance to miss me, and to start to worry a bit if I was really all there for him. It made him do some of the emotional work, and I think this helped move things along.
Get and stay busy, become less available on the phone. Don't be home every night. Make him wonder who you might be out with, be vague about your plans...[OMG, do you think he's been reading this book? Hmmm...] You're not being mean, you're not cheating, you're just taking back your own life and stop putting yourself on hold on his behalf. Another thing I learned that was really hard to grasp is not to take it personally when he's less than committed to you. I know, that sounds a bit crazy, but I tell you it's true. It's usually an internal issue within the reticent one's head, not something that the frustrated partner is doing. So once you let blame go, you can get on with things.
I was very honest and forthright with him and let him know how long I was prepared to wait for a true commitment from him. And then I stuck to that mental deadline I had given myself. It's a last ditch thing, not something you want to do if you're not fully prepared to go through with the possible break up that will occur if he doesn't come through.
So I would have that dreaded talk with him, preferably in person. You can review what has been working in your relationship and share with him where you feel it's floundering or stalled. What he says and does then will tell you a lot about his vision of your future.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): I am the lady who posted the question. Ironically I was attracted to him because he was laid back and wasn’t full-on like the other guys around me were. He showed he was interested in me but wasn’t over-the-top about it. I actually asked him for his number because I knew if I didn’t do it I would always regret it and he seemed a little shy so was unlikely to ask me. Then I left him to pursue me if he wanted which he did.We have always lived along way away from each other. He happened to be in my area when I met him. We have been going out just over a year. He had mentioned us moving in together but since I was made redundant he hasn't mentioned it again. I have no money right now to move in with him. 5 months and numerous applications later I am still no nearer getting a job so it is just not possible to move in together just now. I would say the relationship is stalling abit at the moment from my perspective because we aren’t getting the opportunities to share things together.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2008):
What was it about him that drew you to him? And how did you wind up in a long distance relationship? How long have you two been dating? Who 'pursued' whom?
I'm going to give you my thoughts and you can sift through them and see if any of them ring true or might be helpful.
It seems to me that he has the relationship he wants; if he wanted more time with you, he'd make the time. So my guess is he's perfectly happy with the way things are.
Maybe he's a loner, and can only handle so much intimacy before he needs to withdraw and regroup in his cave. He could be seeing other women too, but I don't understand why he'd then continue the LDR with you, so that doesn't sound right.
Basically, he's set the agenda for how the relationship is going to go. Someone in any relationship is the pursuer most of the time, and somehow you seem to have found yourself in that role.
Are you really progessing in the relationship? I mean if you're not spending time together and he doesn't like to talk much, how would you define progressing? Moving toward a firmer commitment, getting closer?
Sorry, I seem to have lots of questions. If you want, you could update us with that information, which might help me and other aunts in giving you our advice. You don't have to, of course, you can just answer these questions for yourself and they might help you think about this relationship more clearly.
Personally, I would take back the power and decide what I want and what I'm happy with. If he's not willing to compromise on this, and seems to be growing more distance, I would consider putting myself back out on the market. I would tell him, of course, that I had decided that while he was important and I liked him very much, the relationship was so thin and so insubstantial that I felt it was a good idea for me to date other men. What I think you need to consider is that growing a relationship with an emotionally and physically unavailable man is going to be an uphill struggle.
You do need to have a calm and thoughtful talk with him about the relationship and what he sees as its future. I doubt you're going to get much satisfaction from it though, as it sounds like you're really low on his priority list. Sorry for being so negative about this one, but I don't think you can 'change' a man; you can only embrace each other's foibles and quirks. If fundamentally you two want different things from the relationship, there is no easy way to 'fix' that.
If you haven't been dating long, I think he should be trying to woo you and show his loving feelings, even if he's not comfortable talking about them. I'm getting neither from your description of him.
Good luck!
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