A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Don't know what to do,I have been married for 17 yrs. 4 yrs ago my son nearly passed away with head injury he had lots of surgery has recovered thankfully.That same year my husband started a new job and started acting wierd not being a very good husband.I had a gut feeling something wasn't right, then I found he was texting female at work he told me they were only friends this went on for 6 mths we were still having sex but he seemed a bit distant, I was accusing him of having affair but he said they were just work collegues in this time I ended up on antideppressants, couldn't sleep lost 10 kg, still working fulltime, 2 children, 1 recovering from accident he was telling me -excuse the language.He said that I was fucked in the head constantly and he was leaving me meanwhile him and girl from work were still texting each other in the end I moved him out as he was making my health go downhill and I had to think of my kids he was gone 4 days and he begged me to come back. I took him back he kept saying nothing was going on with girl from work and telling me what an unsecure person I was.He told me he wasnt speaking to her anymore,I also noticed he was taking wedding ring off. a couple of mths later she left where he worked. I decided to call her oneday and found out that in that time they had been really good friends and they were flirting with each other and realised they had feelings for each other he was also talking about me to her running me down.When I approched him with the information I had, he admitted some of it but if you ask him quest about any of it he tells me that there is somthing wrong with me as I go on about it. I only want to hear all the truth from him, but he doesnt want to go into detail. I just can't believe he treated me this way when I needed him so badly that year as it was one of the hardest times of my life, as I was told that my son may not live through operations and was very lucky to have got through with no noticeable brain damage.This girl was also gay with a partner I met her, there was nothing at all special about this person.It has been 4 yrs since all this happened, in that time there has been lots and lots of arguments about this.At times aggressive and have said some really vile things to each other. I don,t feel the same about him anymore he still tells me there is something wrong with me as I haven't forgiven him.I lost a lot of respect for him.He tells me I just have to deal with it as there is no way he is leaving.with all the arguments I now have low self esteem,dont want to be intimate anymore, cant sleep. I feel he needs to give me all the details and the truth about everything but when I ask him for this he tells me I,m mental and it makes me more resentfull.I don't know what to do.I just want my life back. Should I leave this person I dont trust my own judgement anymore with the way he makes me feel and don,t know if I have the streghth to leave this person as I know he wouldn,t make it easy.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, done it  +, writes (29 August 2009):
The first thing you should do is be as calm as you can be and look at the facts. Your partner has cheated on you and his only answer is: Well you have to deal with it, there is a lot of callousness in that, as if he cannot comprehend that his infidelity has actually caused a huge rift in your relationship. The act of cheating is a selfish one, he was tempted and he took it with no thought to you, afterwards he regrets it but he has to keep up a front now to carry on as he means to go on, you are falling apart because right now you don't feel he cares one bit and in fairness he hasn't shown remorse has he. I think you are in a difficult place and the intimacy loss is to be expected as you are fuddling through this, but ultimately there is no way past the limbo phase you have to make a choice and a decision and yes as unfair as it is, the grunt work in this has fallen on your shoulders as life is that unfair, can you carry on with this or do you need to consider leaving him. All I can say is, take your own time and space and consider what is going to be for the best all round, if you can be forgiving over his lack of remorse then find a way, if not, I think you already have your answer. I have seen women who forgive on the surface, but every time a row happens, it all comes up again, every little thing turns into you cheated on me, unless you can heal that it will haunt you both and cause more damage. You really are being called upon now to be strong and forthright and to make a decision and stick to it, some times you just have to be so tough.Find other things to focus on aswell right now as hard as it is, find positives, take a class, Art anything to give you space and to keep your mind straight, distractions as such that are healthy can really help you while you muddle through deciding what you feel is best for you. However, I do think you have to face facts, he isn't going to give you closure that you need, and you may have to find another way around that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): I think the answer is to stop making assumptions and just listen. Try to remember all the things you still have and are grateful for....make a list and put it somewhere to remind you. Be thankful that your son is alive, be thankful that your husband does not want to abandon you, and most importantly, be thankful for your health, and stop making yourself a victim.
Take a good look at yourself - Do you enjoy the person you have become? I think a lot of these "issues" you are having stem from the way you are feeling about your self-image. Take the time to take care of yourself and reconnect with people who are supportive- don't worry about your husband. From what you've said, it sounds like he made a friend at work that he enjoyed flirting with...it's his way of escaping from the stress he also feels. Just because your partner flirts does not mean that he will be unfaithful. Be grateful that he has not turned to drugs or alcohol - lesbians are much easier to deal with. :)
Think about the 17 years you have spent with this man...isn't your bond stronger than that? Isn't this person on your team? Show him that you are still the woman he loves by getting back to who you want to be.
Stop focusing on his actions - focus on yours. That's my advice.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 You are answering your own question here. This guy is lying out his ass. Cheaters try to make it seem like it is your fault that they cheat.
They care not about anything or anyone but themselves.
Cheaters do not stop unless they have something to LOSE!
You putting up with this is a clear signal to him that you will be a doormat and by your staying around in his mind it gives him carte blanche to continue.
You have to decide whether you want to put up with this crap anymore. You have children to worry about.Get to an attorney ASAP and at least look into the process of Divorce. He does not respect you and if you are set on trying to work this out you need to at least scare the hell out of him that he will lose everything by showing some initiative.
Take action now, so in a year's time you are not reposting telling us nothing has changed
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A
female
reader, destiny23 +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Hiya! i know what you went through my brother was kocked down by a joyrider and trailed 60feet under the car and suffered head injuries along with 3rd degree burns and is now scitozphernic due to the accident. you're husband should've been by your side supporting you when your son was in a critical condition instead of directing all his attentions to another woman. i know whats its like sitting tormenting yourself about what you're husband got up to with this other woman bcuz my ex fiance cheated on me with another woman and it near killed me we only lasted a year after that bcuz i couldnt forgive him, i really respect your staying power but if your still tormenting yourself after 4yrs and you dont know all the details how would you feel if your husband was to tell you everything? it might drive you over the edge maybe thats why your husband isnt telling you everything bcuz he knows that you're at an all time low at the minute and hearing something you dont want to hear would be like driving a knife through your heart but by staying with your husband your going to have to learn to live with it and maybe never know what went on or you could leave him and stop tormenting yourself bcuz you have to look after yourself for your own sake and for your kids sake.
Best Wishes xxx
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