A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is a girl who I knew for a while who I've always been suspicious of because she use to always tell me about all of these guys she has been with and how she cheated on them and use to always say she could get and steal any guy she wanted. She use to always say how funny she thought it was to use men and play with their emotions. She just had no respect for any of these guys and especially no respect for herself. The stuff she use to tell me was really shocking.Getting to the point, me and her had a falling out a while ago and she made it clear that she now hates me and she has avoided me and has ignored me ever since. Although me and her don't talk anymore, she knows my boyfriend and talks to him often. I've been suspicious because lately I know her and my boyfriend have been talking online like on Facebook and other social media. I even saw a couple of flirty messages that she him sometimes. My boyfriend has mentioned to me how she is always trying to get him to video chat with her online. I don't know how often my boyfriend decides to video chat with her but I know they do it sometimes.I'm just really anxious about what her intentions are with my boyfriend lately because I know they aren't good. It's not so much a trust issue with my boyfriend but just the fact that I don't trust or like this girl and it upsets me that she is always trying to talk with him.My boyfriend is the type of guy who is just really nice and friendly with everyone and I'm not even sure if he would notice that she's hitting on him, but I know she is up to no good. I don't know how to explain to him that his friendship with her makes me uneasy.I'm really anxious and uneasy about what her and my boyfriend talk about and their friendship.What do you think I should do? Should I talk with my boyfriend about this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2013):
 If you truly trust your boyfriend then her intentions do not matter.
She could dance the hootcie-koo naked in front of him and as long as he's totally committed to you, then it won't be an issue at all.
Men can only be "stolen" when they want to be.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 I think it is a trust issue, instead. The best boyfriend thief can still only steal who wants to be stolen- or at least is not adamant in stopping theft attemps.
I don't think your bf is dumb and does not see when some girl is crossing the line. So, either she is very light and subtle in her flirting, so that he can in good faith consider it just harmless, friendly banter- and then she is not really TRYNG hard. Or, she IS crossing the line and being inappropriate and... what does he do ? how does he react ? does he dig it, does he encourage her, does he flirt back ?
Well, maybe you have no way to know , since you can't monitor his video chats, but- it's back to trust again. Do you think he COULD, do you think he would egg her on ?.. Or do you trust him to put a stop to anything too forward ?
I don't know if talking to him would serve any purpose , because , what can you say : " I want you to stop talking with X "? Controlling . " I don't want X to flirt with you ? " Then tell it to X, not to him, it's not his fault what other poeple have in mind. " I don't want you to flirt with girls ? " - that's more reasonable, perhaps, but ,does he ? Did you catch him before, how did you handle it, what did he say ? ...
Assuming that people are not parcels and you cannot steal them if they do not cooperate, you have to assess if this is your sheer paranoia or insecurity, or if there is or was anything in your bf's actions to fuel this insecurity. It does not make much sense to say I trust him BUT. Either you trust him or not. After all, even if he never sees this girl again- the world is full of women, any day any time he could meet someone who's after him, what are you going to do, accompany him everywhere 24/7 ?
So, if so far he has EARNED your trust, then you have to let him be and work on YOUR insecurities. If he has said or done something that makes him not 100% trustworhy.. then it's another story, and maybe a good ,serious talk about boundaries and what is acceptable or not within your relationship , is in order.
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