A
female
age
41-50,
*ost723
writes:I have been seeing this guy fro 3 months now and things are awesome with him! I feel great when I am with him. But I have a huge insecurity when it comes to his sons mom. I know they had strong feelings for each other but I also know he really likes me. He has lied to me in the past about her and his son spending time with him and when I confronted him he told me what was going on and said he jsut didn't know how to tell me because the truth sounded so stupid. I forgave him and moved on, or so I thought! But now that he does not come over one night or says he is going to bed earlier than usual I get all suspicious and drive by her house. She lived very close to me. I don't want to be like this with him. Or feel like this! I even asked him last night about it and he said no I am not there and even sent me a picture of himself at home. But then this morning I still drove by there to make sure he was not there and he was not. I dont want to do this. please help!
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female
reader, lost723 +, writes (21 June 2012):
lost723 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt will be for a year for sure! I am in Texas. I will be flying once a month and he will be flying once a month my mom works for AA.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 June 2012):
 is his move to DC permanent? how far apart will you two be then...
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A
female
reader, lost723 +, writes (21 June 2012):
lost723 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked about everything yesterday and he was telling me how upsetting it is to him that we are going through this because of his mistake in lying to me. He also mentioned he is not sure that we could work out because he is afraid I will always be jealous and not trust him. He is also taking a job in DC soon and he said how will I trust him there! I dont know how to explain this but I have no issues with other women its just her. He goes out and I have no problem with it or feel insecure when he does. the only person that makes me doubt him is her. I think I can work on this and I know I really want too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2012):
 I think I would consider cutting my losses. He lied, so it's not really ALL that strange that you don't trust him.
However the stalking and drive by's need to stop.
You have only dated 3 months, so it's still in that stage where you try and fit together, get to know each other. The fact that he thinks he has to lie to you, is a red flag.
And I agree with So_Very_Confused, don't put any blame on HER, it rests with HIM. The fact that he makes you feel so insecure is not good either. At 3 months you should be silly and in love, not worried about what he might and might not do, know what I mean?
Maybe you need to find a guy with less baggage?
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A
female
reader, lost723 +, writes (20 June 2012):
lost723 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow he is mad at me because I told him how I felt! I just want to be honest I thought that was the best thing to do!
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A
female
reader, lost723 +, writes (20 June 2012):
lost723 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the both of you! I never asked him to send me pictures he did this on his own. But I want to trust him so bad! Its just so hard! I never call or text when he is with his son. I just hate that she needs to be around when he is. He has picked up papers to place child support on himself so this can change. I know I am insecure about this and I hate it! I am a confident person but this makes me doubt myself so much! :( He promised me in the beginning he would never lie and that is why its so hard! I hope we get past this!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (20 June 2012):
This sounds like it’s all in your head. Things are awesome with him? No I’m afraid they’re not. You’ve gone to the ex’s house and he wasn’t there. He’s sent you pictures of himself at home to prove where he was. What more do you need? Okay he lied in the beginning about seeing his son, when children are involved things get complicated and maybe he just made a silly mistake in the early stages of a relationship. But if you need an incentive to stop yourself from holding that against him forever it’s this: you’ll lose him! The way you are behaving will be the ruin of this relationship. So you need to make a big effort to trust him. That means not giving in to your insecurities: place the car keys in a different place when he goes away so that whenever you look for them you remind yourself not to drive to the ex wife’s house, set a limit to how many calls you make or texts you send and when he does visit his son, show an interest and ask him questions about it. This is about controlling your feelings and therefore learning to trust him. Doubts won’t disappear overnight, but it’s giving in to doubts that has such a destructive impact on a relationship, and they’ll die down the more you work at it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
This is not your fault.
HE LIED To you and therefore he has destroyed your trust.
You can stick around and give it time and see if it gets better but if he ever lies to you again you will be right back to not trusting him.
Lack of trust is a huge problem in relationships.
You don't trust him not because of his ex... do not blame her... it's NOT her fault. THIS IS HIS FAULT... he lied...for whatever reason he had.. he still LIED...
if you don't trust him, it's his fault...
you may get over it. I never can totally trust someone once I know they lied to me about something to protect themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): Insecurities can drive us wild, can't they! But he shouldn't have lied to you in the first place when there was nothing really to lie about. I would tell him something like this "I'm sorry I've been doubting you. I care about you a lot and when you weren't truthful with me before it made me scared. Even if you think it will be difficult for me please just be up front - even if it sounds stupid. I'm going to work hard to put my doubts aside." I would keep yourself busy and distracted so you're mind has less opportunities to overthink everything. When you're tempted to do something irrational watch tv, paint your nails, read a book, call a friend, etc. In the meantime be observant of his behaviors and your gut. If over time there are more shady things that don't add up you might want to reassess how happy you are in this relationship. Even if he's not doing anything if you're constantly anxious and unhappy that's not ideal. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2012):
1 - Your bf has a son. With that, his mom will always be part of his life. (This is one reason I always tell me friends be sure of marriage and be damn sure of kids.) You need to either accept that right quick, or you need to find a man with no kids.
2 - You need to make him feel comfortable about communicating to you interactions he has with both his son and his ex. Getting angry will definitely not work long term.
3 - He needs to communicate said interactions with you. On the flip side, if he still has something w his ex, he needs to tell you yesterday.
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