A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I do not trust my boyfriend. We've been together 4 years, don't live together but have talked about moving in together in the near future.We have problems in our relationship but the biggest one is I just don't trust him. I'm always questioning him and wondering if what he's telling me is the truth. 90% of the time what I think is NOT correct and once this is proven to me I'm alright until the next time.For example, he called my cell today around noon, while I was at work, and left me a voice message saying that his Aunt's sister passed away a few days ago and that he would be attending her funeral this evening. He said in the voice mail he'd be leaving work around 4 and doing that and he wanted to let me know incase he didn't get to talk to me. I believed him as I know she's been very sick and was likely to pass away. As a matter of fact, other members of his family were gathered around her on Sunday because she was doing bad. At this exact moment he's on facebook playing games and has been on and off there the last couple of hours. Now, I don't know if he meant the actual funeral or her wake seeing as how he's obviously playing around on facebook.I'm feeling irritated and feel like sending him a message asking if they have games at the funeral home. In the past I would have done so but we are actually trying to work on our relationship so I'm sitting here irritated while being supportive on the outside. When he left that voice mail I sent him a text back saying I'm sorry for his loss and that I love him and to send my condolences to his family. He hasn't contact me since then so I have no idea what the hell he's really doing. Let me say that we both have trust issues and we both have reasons for not being able to completely trust one another. No infidelity, but little lies from both parts here and there to avoid an argument or to keep the other from making a bigger issue than what it really is. He's the type of man that instead of reassuring me and making me feel secure, sometimes he'll just give me as little details as possible and let me either choose to believe him or what goes on in my head. This makes my mind go nuts and it often leads to me not believing what he's really telling me.A good example of that; last Saturday we were going to get together for the weekend. I asked him if 5pm was an okay time and he said "6". I asked him what was up as we'd originally planned on 5 and he said he was busy until then. I asked him what he was doing and he wouldn't tell me. He went ape shit saying that he was working and that's all I needed to know. He said he shouldn't have to give me constant details about his every move. I understand that if I were asking to be a nag or thinking he was cheating, but I was just wondering what he was doing. I found out later that he was doing laundry over at his best friend's place. I asked him why he couldn't have told me that in the first place and he said because he told me he was busy and I should have left it at that. It's those stupid little things that irritate the hell out of me.As I'm typing this right now he's still on facebook playing games. I'm sure he wouldn't lie about someone passing away as like I said, 90% of the time what he's telling me is true but it's the missing parts that drives me bonkers and makes me question him. He actually just messaged me on facebook and said his car broke down and he left his phone in it and is currently at his best friend's house. He said his friend will be taking him to get his shit out of his car in a little bit. He said he didn't get to make it to the funeral because his car broke down on him. I just replied being supportive. It's been a long day and I'm tired and irritated. Our relationship has been rocky lately and we are both trying to work things out but this is the main issue we're both having.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 May 2014):
 Your examples clearly show that your issue is YOURS and it's ruining your relationship. Nothing he has said or done in your examples warrants your grilling of him.
If you can't let go and trust then there is no relationship.
all the replies you have so far are awesome. I can't improve on what Ciar said.
it may be that you two are just not a good fit truly.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Until - and, unless - you trust him WITHOUT QUALIFICATION, you shouldn't even DREAM of moving in to the same address together.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Take a step back, you are suffocating this man. You come off as a nag. That is why he doesn't relay any information to you. He's annoyed and probably feels like you treat him like you are his mother rather than his lover. And you do. And he resents you for that."I feel like sending him a message to see if they have games at the funeral home!" Just stop and read this sentence. Re read it again and again if you have to. You sound like an angry accusatory mother and not at all like a concerned girlfriend. He is not your little boy who you scold when he is out of line. He is your lover. Big difference. This is the man you love. So why are you talking to him like a little child? I don't care what he lied about, if he was playing games when he was supposed to be at a funeral. Whatever the reason that made you upset still gives you no excuse to treat him the way you are treating him. And talk to him the way you do. You are being too intrusive. Because he prefers meeting at six instead of five you feel it is your right to nag about why it can't be five. If it were someone else, anybody, a friend, a colleague, a boss, whatever, if they pushed back your plans JUST one hour, would you give them the third degree too as to why they pushed back the plans? No, of course not, you would politely accept the SLIGHT change in schedule, unless it interferes with something else in which case you would politely decline and take a rain check. So why do you treat him any different or with any less respect as you would anybody else? I get it, you have caught him in a few lies in the past (obviously nothing huge cause you are still with him) and now you feel you have to punish him forever because of it. Believe me, if he was with another chick he wouldn't have pushed back the plans an hour, he would've just blown you off. So stop. If it hurt you that badly and you can't look past it then end your relationship once and for all. But if you are going to stay with him stop treating him like he is undeserving of trust and respect.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Your trust issues are yours to overcome, not his to accommodate. And likewise with his.
If your 'good example' is typical of your interaction with him, then I'd say there is no such thing as 'just asking' or 'just curious'. All questions are loaded and all details provided are stockpiled for future comparison. It's hardly a wonder the man is evasive. He has no personal space and his girlfriend acts like a warden.
If changing your meet up time from 5 to 6 was fine with you then the appropriate reply was 'Sure. See you then.' It was rude, intrusive and pushy of you to press for details you weren't entitled to.
You earn trust by granting freedom.
Stop asking him questions. Allow him to tell you what he wants to tell you. Eventually he'll learn to trust you and might even start volunteering things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): hahaha why are you with him??? hes a liar and who knows what else. why dont you call or check w/his family?
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Hi,
Simple answer, if you can't trust him, he isn't really your boyfriend.
A relationship can't be built with solid foundations, when there is doubt or lies. It will eventually crumble to the ground.
Like the man, who built his house upon the sand.
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