A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After 25 years of marriage I have come to realize my husband is a liar...about big and small things. I do not trust him at all, and I find it difficult to believe anything he tells me, even if it's about the weather!!I want to confront him about things I know he lied about, mostly just to let him know Im on to him, and to find out the truth but I know it will cause a huge argument. He gets very defensive when questioned about anything!Several years ago, I accidentally found out about an emotional affair he was having...he claims they were just "friends" and i said, if you were just friends why did you hide the relationship from me? Why wouldn't I be able to know about a "friend"? One night, his cell rang, he answered it and left the room. Half an hour later I went to look for him and he was still on the phone...I asked who he was talking to and he said "Jim", I took the phone from him and heard a womans voice...I asked him who it was and he insisted it was "Jim"... (I know it was "her")He got defensive and told me I was invading his privacy, "spying" on him because he was so engrossed in the call he didnt hear me come in the room behind him, who he is friends with is none of my business, and told me i was a crazy bitch! One day i left work early so we could Christmas shop together...When i got home he wasnt there...so I called him, thinking he forgot our plans..he wouldn't answer the phone..an hour later when he did, I asked him where he was and he said "Its none of your business"...(I think he was with her..).One of his friends "threatened to punch me in the face," and he just stood there, didnt defend me at all...later I told him it wasn't nice to treat me that way and he said "your not worth defending". I dont know what to do...He says he loves me, and as long as I dont question where he is or who he's talking to, we get along well...Im just not allowed to know anything about his life...I admit I am probably a little paranoid and distrustful, but I feel I have reason to be. he never admits he has done anything wrong, and thinks what he does is "normal". I want to talk about it and confirm my suspicions, but I know it will lead to a huge fight, and he will call the police on me (he has before). We tried counseling, but he just lied to the therapist, so we got no where..Question: How can I have a conversation with him about this without being arrested for a domestic dispute??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Ok I was you a few years ago, with a man I loved dearly and had a child with, life was ace if I never questioned anything! Having a baby & big mortgage I decided to take that line & remand mute whilst he was off with his lady "friends" (not lovers he says) having lunches & dinner whilst I sat at home washing my hair in his shower-gel cause he left me penniless!! I was a fool because after a few years that live grow to hate & I then my child had to grow up in that tense ugly atmosphere, I left him he was the heartbroken one not me' but I've lost 15 years of my life..... We all deserve respect & I,m sorry your not getting it from him
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 May 2014):
 So once you talk to him and confirm that he's a liar and a cheater and just a generally bad person what will happen.
what will this "confirmation" do for you?
what will it change?
IF you want to stay you must let him live his life and you live yours. I understand why you would stay..l. 25 years is a long time.. there are probably children and it's what you are used to.
Move into another bedroom, separate your entire life from him... do not cook for him, do not clean for him, do not take care of him or do his laundry. DO NOT provide anything for him since he provides nothing for you.
I would ignore him totally 100% Yes it's passive aggressive but it's probably the easiest thing to do to make a point. Make a totally new life for yourself without him much like it will be once you two separate and divorce (which once you stop making his life easy by cooking cleaning and caring for him he will initiate for you)
Once you realize you can live without him you can figure out how to leave him. No crime in leaving him.
Contact an attorney and find out what the general feel for divorce is in your area.. will you get alimony or support? Do you get part of his pension? How do you manage to get out of this with yourself intact.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2014):
 You write: "Question: How can I have a conversation with him about this without being arrested for a domestic dispute??"
Answer: You don't waste your time with the conversation you anticipate. Instead, you start making plans for having the remainder of your life WITHOUT this cad!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): You and he both deserve to be happy. He hasn't yet had the guts to say I love you but I'm not in love with you. Sounds like you are invading his privacy because you instinctively know he isn't in love with you and your desperate to get to the source of the problem and change it. But you don't realize that by holding on obsessing and stressing you are doing yourself a disservice. The dance of denial you two are in is hindering your availability for finding supporgive and fulfilling love elsewhere. If you care for one another you won't try to relive the past but rather appreciate it and recognize you want the best future for one another even if it's not together. Sounds like he may well be in love with somen else already. If he isn't telling you he is making plans with you for the future without your prodding then he is there in body but not in soul or heart. Wish each other well and accept you have simply grown apart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2014):
 He lied to you, he lied to the therapist, having this conversation will get you nothing but MORE lies. He has no reason NOT to lie.
YOU are tuning yourself into a crazy woman trying to "catch" him, when you do NOT need to catch him. ALL you need is to walk away.
When a person feels like they have to monitor their spouse, trust, privacy, respect, love goes out the window. You don't trust him, you certainly don't respect him or his privacy nor do you love him any more. YOU are with him out of familiarity and he is with you for the same reason.
YOU can't fix him. You tried before and got nowhere. HE knows you won't leave and I think he has gotten to a point where he actually ENJOYS making you miserable. He has chosen to stay married to you, not sure why because it doesn't seem out of love. So all I can think of is misery loves company and familiarity.
I understand you want answers, but what you don't seem to accept is that you won't get them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): I was married for a very long time to a man who behaved in a similar manner. He would swear at me if I approached him when he was on the phone, let doors fall on my face, not walk next to me but behind me ensuring he never caught up with me, would pull items from shops in front of my path so I would fall over them , he was incredibly abusive. I was never allowed to know who he was speaking to, like you he would pretend that a woman was 'Jim' and so on. I too wanted the truth about all the lies but he would just continue to lie when asked and threaten me.
Personally I would make plans to get away from him and not waste any of your time in wanting answers. You are not going to get any. My therapist once told me that sometimes the answer is 'that you are not going to get an answer'. That holds true. This man is horribly abusive and nasty and you don't need this. Please make plans to get away from him. There will be no dealing with him rationally so don't bother.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 May 2014):
What good will a conversation do? You've been married 25 years to this guy, you already know the answer to that.
That leaves you with two choices for happiness.
Stop "invading his privacy" and accept the fact that you won't always know where he is, who he's with and who he's talking to.
Or
Leave him.
Continuing to insist on knowing his private details will continue to make you both unhappy (whether you have a right/reason to know is irrelevant).
My advice is to take off but I don't think you're ready for that.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (29 May 2014):
In order to stay in this relationship you would need to bow to his way of living and accept that he is not being truthful. Most women could not live in your situation, but some are too afraid of unsettling their lives, so decide not to notice. Until he finds a permanent replacement that is!
He has things just as he likes.
The question is, does he love you? He certainly loves himself, but does he love you deeply and win concern for your happiness? Probably not.
For myself I would start divorce proceedings. If he loves you he would realise he had been very badly behaved and try to make amends. Or,he will just turn nasty. I have a feeling it will be the latter. As soon as you make any move that questions him, he will dump you harshly. That is what I suspect. There is no depth to his feelings, they are superficial and you are his waitress, providing practical comfort while he looks for excitement elsewhere. If you are a confident person who intends to live her life to the fullest, you know what to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Short version: You just need to leave; he's nasty and you can't fix it. You deserve to know about your partner's life when it comes to friends; they should WANT to share it with you. Your relationship has been over a long time, PLEASE don't try to stay with him - HE is not worth it in the slightest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): I think you know already that you cant discuss anything with him and if u cant discuss anything with him then its probably best you leave this relationship as he doesnt want to discuss anything with you so theres nothing really for you to discuss!
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