A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay. I'm not going to get into specifics but my girlfriend basically ruined my trust in her. I guess technically she's my ex girlfriend. She showed up on my door step the other week saying she realized how horribly she treated me and she missed me and would like to try to make things right. I still don't trust her though and I don't know what to do to try and build trust. Her only idea is try and prove my doubt wrong by getting close to what destroyed me trust in the first place and then proving that everything was okay. However then I have to trust her when she says everything was okay. It's trust I don't have so we have to build trust before that could even be an option. Ideas?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Don't. She broke your trust, and she hasn't changed, she just wants to avoid any consequences for her behavior. You let her get away with it once, and she'll just do it again (whatever that was, it has clearly affected you enough to be a big deal).
There are plenty of decent, honest, trustworthy chicks out there. Wish this one the best of luck and go find one of those others.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 June 2011):
"However then I have to trust her when she says everything was okay."
No, you do not "have" to trust her just because she says everything is OK. just because she makes amends to you, does not mean you now owe her your trust. You can forgive her if she seems truly remorseful, but it doesn't mean that you owe her your trust or at least not any time soon, because that's not how the heart works. You're already hurting from her betrayal of your trust. you do not need the extra guilt on yourself for not getting over it as fast as she wants or as fast as you think you should.
She was the one who broke your trust. If you want to give her a second chance, that doesn't mean that you owe her your trust immediately. She should allow you as much time as you need to feel comfortable again while in the meantime still proving you that she's trustworthy. but the point is that she has no right to expect you to trust her again, her attitude should be that she's on "probation" and that how long that probation lasts is up to you, it depends on how you honestly and truly feel in your gut about her. If after some time has passed she doesn't like that you still haven't come around to trusting her, then this means that maybe the relationship isn't working out and should be ended.
you could tell her that it will take her a long time for you to relax again, and this process has to happen on your time frame, not on hers. So if she has any expectations that you "have" to trust her again and she dictates when you should be trusting her again, then this is going to sabotage the process and you might as well end the relationship now.
it's possible that you may never trust her again no matter how "good" she is being. She has to accept that as a possibility, and you have to accept that too. If so, then it means the relationship will be over. But you can still try if you are both willing, and see if you do in fact start to feel better about her. But again it's something that has to happen on your time frame not hers. And it may never happen - that's what happens when people break their partner's trust in them, in a big way.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 June 2011):
In all honesty, it would depend upon what she did. The advice changes depending on what happened in the first place. For example, if she lied about something, that's one thing. If she cheated, that's another.
We probably need to know what happened first.
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