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age
36-40,
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writes: We were open and honest with our families about our relationsip and now I fear they will hate me forever. My mom cried and told me she thought she raised me better, my dad well he will just say he was pissed. Before leaving their house everything got very heated and Im afraid that they will never look at me the same. Is my relationship with my family ruined? Will they ever forgive me? Is there any chance they will even consider trying to accept him. Im sure alot of you are thinking I got what I asked for but now Im scard. I dont want to lose my family. What am I supposed to do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, totally_in_love  +, writes (21 March 2009):
To the female reader who just left me the apology note thanks you.
I dont except to have alot of married women on here say nice things to me , but do know that I never meant to come off as bragging or rubbing it in anyones face that I had an affair. I feel ashamed, thats why I wanted to come clean and tell my family. And yes I understand that they wont accpet him with open arms but I would love to have their blessing. Family does mean alot to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Dear Totally I Love
I should have written this yesterday but because of work commitments I couldn’t.
After I wrote the scathing reply to you saying that you were emotionally exhausting, I was very unsettled at the way I responded to you. I did not have much sleep that night because I wondered whether I was being fair to you. I was actually burdened for you. I was very annoyed with myself and have now decided to apologize to you. I should have been more tactful in my reply to your problem. Although I do believe that in your first post you were blasé about your relationship with this married man, I really judged you. I read so many things in your responses.
I also realized, after reading so many other stories that your situation was not the worst yet we (and me especially) criticized you harshly. For the other peoples Dear Cupid stories we seemed to be more tolerant, (YET, perhaps their “crime” was so much worse.) I felt like such a hypocrite!!!!!!!!!
Regarding your parents response to your relationship, Your parents will be feeling as though they did not teach you right from wrong. As parents we want the best for our children and we sometimes blame ourselves when our children do wrong. In your mother’s case, she is devastated that her “baby” was/is having an affair with a married man. No matter which way you see it, you will be remembered as the girl that broke up a family. However you now have an opportunity to move forward and not carry on living a lie. You will find that your burden will be lighter now that you have decided to end with the lies and start being truthful about your relationship.
You are only 23 years old, yet so much has happened in your life. I truly hope that one day you will be a great step mom to those boys and that one day (it won’t be soon) his wife moves on with her life and perhaps meets someone who will love her for herself. After all who doesn’t deserve love and happiness? Maybe one day she will actually forgive you. I just feel so sad when a person build’s their happiness on someone else’s pain/suffering & misery. This is not only in your case.
Family is so precious and I am glad you want your family’s blessings. You know time heals and hopefully time will heal your mother and fathers heart. Our love for our children is usually unconditional.
I suggest that you show your partner (I previously use to call him your lover, so I am assuming the right word now is “partner”) all the responses you received to your posts. I think he needs to also realize how we perceived you. Hey, maybe one day you will be consoling someone else, giving good moral support or even posting the done that, burnt the t-shirt story on dear cupid.
I think I am emotionally exhausting you now but I firmly believe that if I do wrong I must take a stand and rectify same. Which I believe I am doing now. Bye.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): PLEASE POST MY RESPONSE TO TOTALLY IN LOVE:"totally In Love", i am so emotionally exhausted by you right now. You take up so much of my positive energy and I just can't get over the "it's all about me" issues. I said before - take responsibility for your actions. You messed and broke up a family (please don't deny it). I just want you to be honest and you keep justifying your self and love playing the hurt/ injured party. What do you want? Your married lover? You got him! Your parents blessings? Sadly that will not be forthcoming because you did wrong. Do you have any moral fibre in your body? Harsh question but it needs to be asked. How about telling your lover to give you the moral support that you so crave, because right now I cannot. I am the person who posted the entry about your contradictions ON THE 15TH and you bashing this forum. You do not want to lose your family, what about those boys that has lost a father. (now he will be a part time father, if that). You are just so high maintenance right now. You are childish and mope around when you do not get your way. You have had no guilt feelings, no remorse -the tone of your other entries reveal this. I cannot get you. Your poor family AND THE PRESENT WIFE AND THE KIDS. You are not mature enough to take care of those kids, let alone yourself. I am hoping that he is not foolish enough to torment them with your presense. Your parents will not look at you in the same way, how do you look at yourself. You never admit that you are wrong, you never admit that it was the sex (although your first post, reveals that) , you never admit to being the homewrecker that you are. You are now playing the injured party. If you were my daughter I would disown you not because of your affair but because of the indifference in you. It's all about you. Honey, get over yourself. Morals, integrity, honesty, what does this mean to you? Just concepts?You are sleeping with your boss, now maybe living with him, just get on with it. Marry him/ don't marry him. You will always be known as the homewrecker so just deal with it. You have been indifferent up to now, why change this. You did not believe that you did anything wrong in the first place, why worry now. You are emotionally consuming. If I am feeling like this, what about the others? WHAT DO YOU WANT. YOU KNOWLINGLY STARTED AN AFFAIR WITH THE MARRIED MAN, JUST FOR SEX, THEN FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, GAVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM TO LEAVE HIS WIFE, HE DID, NOW YOUR FAMILY WON'T GIVE YOU THEIR BLESSING. Do I have this right?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2009):
 As the mother of adult children I can say that if presented with a situation like yours, I pretty much would have reacted like your mother did. You have disappointed your parents. They probably will get passed it but I doubt if they will ever be able to just forget it. You have made your choices and so you have to make the sacrifices that come with them.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Right, after following your previous postings/links
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/follow-up-i-am-dating-my-older-married.html
and before that
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/they-tell-me-im-a-fool.html
my first hunch was correct: your parents thought they failed in instilling the values they believe in in you. In fact, many of those who answered your previous postings have said the same, that it was wrong for you in the first place [to get involved with a married man].
Having said that, we sometimes cannot choose who we fall in love with. It is just that, as adults, both you and your partner were wrong - based on the values of this society that we live in. It might be acceptable in other cultures in the world, but right now you don't live there.
Both of you should have waited until the his marriage issues were resolved (which could or could not be salvaged - a moot point to discuss now) and his divorce is final. The "label" that you were a "home-wrecker" and he a "cheater" now have already been "awarded" by this society. If you both had waited, you would not have those labels at all.
In a way, your parents probably felt that they are part of that label. "Guilty by association". At the very least, she probably had emphathy for your partner's wife and children, and thus feeling their pain too.
May I suggest, that you do not post more questions here if you did not want to hear more negative comments? There are more people here who are in pain because their husband/wive/partner cheated and their lives now are falling apart because of it. So you can see that unfortunately, the "demographics" of sympathizers or supporters are not on your side.
The only advice I can give you is still the same as my first posting. Ask forgiveness, to your parents, to his [soon to be ex-]wife, to his children, to your partner. There is no other way. You will always have this [i.e. what you have done] in your conscience.
But, you have chosen the path of life that you want to journey so now you just have to live with it. If you don't want to live with it, then you must choose a different path.
Good luck. And I hope you will find peace in yourself soon.
Cat
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (17 March 2009):
What exactly happened? What was it about your relationship that caused them to be so upset?
Parents are parents. They are the only people who can give you unconditional love. Even children do not have the same level of unconditional love toward their parents, not as much as parents do toward their children.
If right now they are upset with you, in time, they will talk to you again. This may take a few days, weeks, months, or years. Especially if you are the first one to come to them and ask for forgiveness.
You are officially an adult, and you are entitled to your own life and your own opinions of course. Your parents may be hurt because they may feel that the have failed in instilling the values and norms that they strongly believe in in you, or they could also be upset because they think the potentials the see in you may not be realized. But, I don't know what it was that upset your parents so I should not speculate on an aswer (more than what I have already done).
As a daughter, show them that you still love them irregardless of what they think about your relationship. Ask them for forgiveness, but you may need to be patient in hearing them say that they forgive you.
Just as important though, you also need to forgive them for not understanding you at this stage. If she is still upset, you do not need to say "I forgive you" to her right now, that might upset her more (as if putting her in the place that she was "wrong")
Be at peace with yourself
Cat
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