A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don’t think that my husband is cheating (though he has before - and so have I) but we don’t have sex very often.My husband and I are both in our middle 40's and sex began to slow down somewhat a few years ago. We usually have sex two or three times a month.My husband works a rotating shift and I work days, so out of 30 days in a month, we sleep in the same bed at the same time 23 out of 30 of those days. 7 of those days, he is working nights and another 7 of those days, he gets in around midnight and I am usually sleep. He only gets 1 weekend off a month. The other shift, he is working days. It’s been that way for a number of yrs now. It’s very difficult to plan vacations and spend time together because he is always working. We are like two ships passing in the night.Our kids are all grown, and we have been married for 25 yrs.When I ask him about sex - he says that he is tired and stressed out from work or thinking about our finances, or worried about the kids (they are young adults all under the age of 24.He is a very good provider and gives me any and everything that I could ever want. He is an excellent father and we really enjoy each other's company.We go out to eat, go to the movies, watch movies together, cook out, and enjoy each other's conversation. We laugh and have intelligent conversation. I make a point to compliment him, cook for him when he gets home, I do his laundry. He in turn is an awesome provider, protector; he keeps up with the yard work, a good role model for his children and family. I really respect him. We both love each other very much. We have each other's back and have been through a lot*we were both unfaithful early on in our marriage, and managed to work through those issues. It comes up from time to time, but we both work hard not to live in or bring up the past.I know what his behavior is like when he was cheating - and I just don’t feel like he is now. I gave that up a long time ago and my passion is only for my husband.It was hard for us to transition to an empty nest because we got married because I was pregnant with our oldest daughter 23 yrs ago. We never knew what it was like to be in a marriage without having children. A lot of that seems to be behind us now and we are settling into our empty nest - we just aren’t having much sex.Aside from him saying that he's tired, he also says that at his age - he just isn’t as sexual as he used to be. He feels as though he has slowed down. He smokes and drinks as well. It’s been since February that we’ve even had sex (that’s about 2 months as I write this)To make matters worst, I recently had major surgery and couldn’t have sex for 6 weeks. I even had to sleep outside of the bedroom downstairs while I recuperated because I couldn’t navigate stairs and was on a walker for that period of time.He says that he doesn’t want to hurt me due to my surgery.I don’t think that he is cheating - he says that he is not (not that he would admit it anyway) but i'm afraid i’m headed for a sexless marriage.Is it normal for a man to loose interest in sex in his 40’s? I feel very insecure – like he’s not attracted to me. He cuddles with me and says that he is very attracted to me, but that he just doesn’t have the drive that he once had.What should I do? Stop complaining and be glad that I have a wonderful friend/husband or try to do something to put the spark back in our love life?
View related questions:
insecure, period, smokes, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): a man reaches the peak of his sex drive around the age of 15-25. from that point on, everything goes downhill, until it reaches zero at the age of 60-70. so I'd say your husband is totally normal.
but the problem is, women reach their peak around the age of 35-45! that's when the couples begin to have problems.
he is right. being tired or stressed have negative effects on man's sex drive. but we can't stop working or stop being worried about our children, can we? so there is nothing you can do about it.
I suggest pills (for him) and toys (for you).
about pills, I have tried viagra. it is the mainstream product for male enhancement, but it's a bit expensive. you don't need prescription for it. almost every pharmacy can sell it to you.
and about toys, there are hundreds of vibrators you can choose from. just choose something that is easy to clean. you don't want to get infection.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Hi. It doesnt sound as if he is cheating. If he is often tired and says he feels that he has `slowed down`. It might be an idea to suggest he has his hormone levels checked in case his levels have dropped below whats considered normal. Some elements of men`s life styles can lead to an early decline in testosterone production, which might be what is happening.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Hi
Can you afford a holiday or a weekend break, do something to get you both away from the daily grind and stress? Now the kids are gone you need to discover a new and different life together . Spoil him a bit and make him feel like more than a provider Be spontanious and book some thing to surprise him ,I dont think hes cheating theres alot of love between you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): A friend of mine had that same problem and come to find out his doctor had to change his diabetes medication so if your husband is on any type of medication it might be a good thing to check with his doctor.
My sex drive also isn't all that great and I'm not on any meds. Twice a month would be fine with me so I would love to have a man like that....A friend of mine, not my boyfriend but he does like me a lot but I keep it as a friend but every single day all he talks about is sex and it's about to drive me crazy, wish I didn't have to see him everyday but everybody is different, there're women with low sex drive and there're men with low sex drive. I hope everything works out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Hi.Calm down! sometimes It doesn't turn bad as you think.ok?
His shift exactly the same as my hubbby.Sometimes i don't see him at all. when i go work in the morning and he only on way back home after night shift.Anyway he likes the job,responsible &filial person. What else do i want more? Don't you agree?
Before marriage, i'm aware about this.I aacept it.Try my best to get balanced time whenever he's off. Like celebrate his Birhtday(cake, wallet, cards,etc) or wedding anniversary( buffet,movies). I know NOT EASY to match the time to go out. But it can be done!
Solutions: find a GOOD time talking what's bothering you.Make a Compliment that He's Great HUSBAND. Say you MISS the moment intimate together.(possible he thinks you still not recover after surgery) Or else wear sexy lingerie while whispering to his ear to attract him. all the BEST
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 April 2012):
 I do not think he is cheating either.
But I do think he is in need of a thorough check at the Doctors. Blood tests, cholesterol anything else the doctor wants to check.
Yes, I think your husband is finding the rosters difficult and financial pressures can lead to mild depression as well. So ask the Doctor to discuss that too.
Maybe even incorporate more salads and uncooked fruit in his diet. Cut down on his sugar and fat to see him lively again.
He gets some vacation time once a year. This time make sure it is not filled with 'tasks' not repairs around the home.But instead try to synchronise your time together and just chill out. Together. Alone with each other. No visitors. No family. No neighbors. Just you and him.
I think he is feeling really pressured and he may have also have been concerned about you when you had surgery recently.
Yes, try to check any tendency to complain.
Even try a really positive focus. It may take six wqeeks for him to notice. He may be sceptical of your approach at first. But try a little of this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
Amd if he or you spend ages online on Ebay or whatever then try to limit that time too as it can be very tiring.
And try thinking about intimacy and getting in touch with each other's feelings rather than how often and when sex occurrs.
Look him in the eye, face him, look into each other's eyes and place your hand on his heart. A he to do the same and place his hand on your heart.
Remember all the good times. Remember all the special times. Remember what made you love him in the early days. Let that good energy flow into him. And vice a versa. But do it all in silence. You both recall the special times, the amazing times, the beautiful memories.
Let those good memories flow between the two of you in a silent meditation for only a maximum of three minutes. It will not be long enough to remember all the good times. That is why you limit it to a maximum of three minutes - so you can do this exercise all over again another time, and another time.
All the time while still looking at each other.
You do not need to share what were the good memories. He will get out of it as much as you get out of it. And you should feel that deeper connection again just by retracing the wonderful journey you have enjoyed.
Do this a few times and you will start to connect again and want to be closer again.
You need to relax him first, help him not allow his current worries to burden him. Remind him why you love him.
But take off the pressure a little on each other. Life is tough some days and even tougher for extended periods. It wears you down. You start to forget to smell the roses.
So you need to take these little three minute time outs to reconnect well before you want to connect in other ways.
I do hope things can improve soon. His drive may or may not improve. But first he needs to feel better about himself and feel he is on track. But other pressures are clearly getting him down. And that puts stress on you too.
...............................
|
