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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I don't think my family likes my boyfriend. It makes me sad. We've been dating for a few months now and in the beginning it seemed like they really liked him but now it has changed I think.I don't know why, exactly. They haven't had any problems, or confrontations, or any drama, and we haven't had any problems with each other and he treats me so well. He's very loving and caring.The problem is, my family has always been a bit on the judgmental side, so to speak. So they have certain "ideas" that, if someone doesn't "fit into", well, they can start making comments. For example, they have very fixed ideas about politics (due to the history of my country, for older generations, politics are still a big deal), and if someone doesn't agree, they might think less of them.They would never tell me straight to my face that they don't like him. My ex, for example, made me cry a lot and we had tons of issues and they pretended to like him, but obviously they didn't. They told my sister, and she told me, and only after we had broken up.My new boyfriend is so different, but there are things which they may be judging him on. For example, he's shorter than me (they've made several jokes about his height, not in front of him of course). Also, and more significantly, he has a child. Now, I have no problems with that, but he became a father at 19, which is something they usually judge people on. He's a good father, though, so they wouldn't be able to say anything negative about it, but I guess for them it's not good that I might end up marrying and having kids with someone who already has a child of his own (which I don't care about, but like I said, I've heard them be very judgmental about other people with similar experiences, etc.)He's also very affectionate with me, a lot of PDA (not like we make out in front of them, but he's always hugging me, saying sweet things to me, kissing me, and stuff which may make them uncomfortable). My sister made a "joke" (not really) to me the other day, I took the hint and talked to him, and he was a bit offended but he agreed to be less affectionate.I know the "novelty" of seeing me so happy after my messy break up has worn off, and maybe now that they know him better there are some things they don't like about him. I also know we haven't dated for too long. But for example, they seem to adore my sister's boyfriend, who has his share of flaws, but they're always interested in what she says about him, how his life is going, even his family. They always invite him over, talk to him a lot, etc.I know I'm like the black sheep of the family because I'm more "liberal" so to speak compared to them, and that my sister's boyfriends and friends have always been more "in line" with their ideas and such, and that my sister also has been more into pleasing my parents. I usually do hang out with people a bit outside of my family's "social comfort zone" so to speak, but none of my friends or boyfriends have ever done drugs or been into illegal or questionable activities. They've always been smart and responsible and my boyfriend is no exception. He just graduated law school with great grades and such. He's achieved a lot and I'm very proud of him. He's not rude to them. So I don't get it.What can I do? I feel sad about it, especially considering how it seems my sister and her boyfriend are my family's darlings, whereas I'm starting to feel like once again I'm dating someone they don't consider good enough for me. Sadly, I can't move out yet, here things are different than in more developed countries so I still haven't saved enough money to start a life of my own. [Mod note: the country flag would be Chile}
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Families with traditional or conservative values are naturally judgmental of people who don't fall in-line with their values and beliefs. Daughters introduce "men" into the family. That means she may take on his last-name in marriage, and adapt to his ways and beliefs as his wife.
Don't play naive. If you're rebellious, they have a right to be reserved and vigilant. They have a right to make fun of him and anything else. It'll stop when they come to like him.
Adult children have to please the parents of their boyfriends and girlfriends, in order to be accepted.
This makes your family apprehensive and more protective of you. Wondering what in the world you could be introducing o your own family into, and what you'll be exposed to. It's normal. It also means how much they really care about you; and want to be sure you're safe and happy.
They will openly emphasize their values for the purpose of warning or educating newcomers and outsiders. That's typical for those who stand by their political or religious affiliations.
Daughters and sons introduce strangers into the family. They don't have the benefit of meeting him on the terms you did. They only know him through your introduction and what you've told them about him. You'll dismiss flaws and quirks about him that they don't have to. He'll have to earn their trust and grow on them. He'll have to earn their respect.
If you step outside their ways and the values your parents instilled in you; why does it surprise you they feel uncertain of what he is about?
They should want to know what kind of background he could have, and how it could effect your family-name and their public reputation. They have only your judgement to go on. If you have a shaky history with men, they are wise not to trust your choices until you prove them wrong.
How do you deal with it? Be patient and stand by your choices. Make sure if you bring a guy home, he has a sense of humor, he's open-minded, and decent. Prepare him for your family's reception beforehand. Leave it to him to charm them; or fail at it. It becomes his responsibility to win them over after the initial introduction. if you try to hard to sell him on them; they will not trust either of you.
They don't have to like him, but it helps if they can.
Don't try to force him down their throats. No guy is really going to be good enough from the start; it's natural they'll make fun of him.
Teasing from your family opens your eyes, and makes you take your boyfriends down off a pedestal. They make you look at him in the proper perspective, and they remind you to watch who you're exposing them to, as well as yourself.
They have to put him under scrutiny before he is accepted.
They'll fall in-love, when they see how well he's treating you. They'll never love him the way you do. Especially if he doesn't fall "in-line," as you say.
It's all out of love and your protection, my dear. It's also to keep him on his best game. So if he breaks your heart, he knows there will be hell to pay.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 OP, you are making a lot of assumptions about what your family is thinking. You are judging them too, aren't you?
I would advise you to be a loving daughter and a loving girlfriend and a loving sister and assume that things are fine unless you have direct evidence otherwise. In fact, if I were you, I would be dealing with your parents as though they had specifically said that they adored your boyfriend and that he was the best thing for you ever and that all was fantastic. Smile and proceed through life, safe in the knowledge that your boyfriend is a good guy and that your family loves you, flawed though they may be.
And work on ways to save more money to get yourself out so you have a way out of your family misery.
I think your sister and her boyfriend just have more in common with your parents. It's not her fault that this is the case and it's not your fault either.
So back to my point, I would extravagantly and deliriously and deliciously 'assume' that your family loves your boyfriend and your boyfriend loves your family. I would butter up Dad by saying 'Martin was so impressed by x y z that you mentioned to him that he has started to do a b and c." Mom, I would go with "Martin told me the other day that he wishes he had a mother like you because you are so generous and intelligent.." Basically, you present Martin as being respectful and appreciative of them as parents and as people.
You will have to do the PR for Martin, ignore the negative, assume positive and feed your parents' need to believe that their daughter is a wise and well-brought up young lady of impeccable tastes.
When you are out of their house you of course will no longer need to keep up any fictions but this should keep things moving along just fine until you are able to move out!
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