A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi maybe somebody here can help. I have a very serious and personal problem. Through out my whole life my mother unfortunately has been into drugs and alcohol, it's pretty bad. With all due respect, my mother is not really a good person because of this. She lies a lot, steals money from people including myself, can be very mean and say hurtful things, etc. I can't trust her with anything anymore.Because of this, she and I have a horrible relationship now. She's very difficult to get along with or even talk to now. She seems to just not care about anything anymore. Whenever I try to call her she tells me she's busy or doesn't want to talk. It's been like this for a very long time now.What makes this very hard is my mother doesn't want to get help. She doesn't even think she's doing anything wrong. I've caught her numerous times using drugs and she still denies everything. She says she's perfectly fine with how she's doing and that I should mind my own business. About a year ago I moved to a different state to attend college so this makes it even harder to help her because I'm no longer anywhere near her. I've always felt guilty about leaving my mother. This has been so stressful for me.I'm wondering if someone can give me advice on where to go from here. I have no siblings and no other family willing to help, I'm basically all alone here. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): It's true, your mother will have to hit rock bottom before she turns her life around and, even then, she may not be a very nice person and probably will never be the mother that you crave.I don't want to hurt you with these words but I honestly think this is the case.I had a terrible relationship with my own mother - that's another story, but it is my elder sister who was behaving almost exactly like your mother is. Weirdly, I often felt that my elder sister was emotionally abused and manipulated into displaying this 'bad behaviour' on my mother's behalf - as if my mother was doing it by proxy, degrading my sister but then able to behave as victim herself and have people feel sorry for what her terrible daughter was putting her through. A very, very twisted situation.My sister's behaviour went on from when she was 14 up until she was 45. In that time she was in countless, literally countless episodes involving police, repeatedly raped, hospitalised after being beaten up, court, jail, mental hospitals, an ASBO etc etc. She would continually emotionally manipulate me in to feeling responsible for her and it is only very recently that I realised what was going on. Alcohol and drugs and dealing were simply a daily part of her life. Her life was hell but she made me feel that I was solely responsible for pulling her out of it - even though I had my own child and problems of my own, she would do everything possible to take advantage of my weaknesses towards her and my need for her to be a 'normal' sister.Finally, after she appeared in court yet again, a judge ordered that she be sent to a private mental health hospital, to be paid for with public money. The difference in quality of care in these hospitals compared with NHS is absolutely unbelievable. I have no doubt whatsoever that, if my sister had been able to receive that quality of care far earlier, her life would have been very different. As it was, she was on a very strict "tough love' policy that took her the best part of two years to adapt to. She is, I believe, now doing voluntary work 3 days a week and living in secure accommodation where she is safe.The heartbreaking thing is that I became so ill that I could not cope with her anymore. And she did not get enough care to be able to understand how she was manipulating me - social workers tried to involve me in only giving care for her without taking into account how bad my own health was - when my doctor pretty much ordered me to stop, they just lost interest and seemed to almost guilt trip me. But even after hospital she was starting to binge drink again and phoning me sometimes all through the night and saying she was coming to visit without being asked - this was my nightmare, that she just in the past would turn up and land on my doorstep effectively blackmailing me into caring for her and putting my life on hold. I tried to explain to her the effect it was having on me but she just didn't get it. In the end it took someone else to point out to me that, by accepting her drink-related phone calls I was effectively enabling her towards bad behaviour again.I stopped all contact with her and moved home. She doesn't know where I live. The only point of contact she has is my ex partner's mobile phone number. I asked him to call her about 6 months ago - I missed her - and it was like setting off a trigger - she relentlessly called him, and left messages intended to solicit a highly emotional response - that an old family friend had died etc etc.I really wish that someone had talked to me, just once, about how she might turn out and how it might affect me. All my life it's been about people saying she needs me and my support - doctors, social workers that have no idea what it was like trying to grow up with her. It took me a very long time to understand it all and I am only just beginning to be free of the guilt and burden of it. You are not responsible for your mother's life. As soon as you stop feeling that you are, you will be setting yourself free, little by little.
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 Greetings,
Usually the best thing you can do, is remove the lifeline.
People like this refuse to accept their failings while subconsciously (or not) pulling on the strings of those around them.
Remove yourself from the equation, make your mother realize that you cannot support or hang around in this condition.
It is called tough love and parents do it to children who wont behave so maybe you need to apply it back to your mother. Wait until she hits rock bottom and then she how she reacts, if the results are positive then allow her back, if not then you have your answer
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Once your mother hits rock-bottom; she'll be forced to seek help or she'll end up in jail, or worse.
I don't mean to hurt you with the grim reality; but that is the reason you'll need to seek whatever help you can find for yourself.
You're not her mother, so there is nothing you can do about it. She wishes no relationship with you; so you haven't abandoned her. You can't magically turn her into a loving and trusting person. That just isn't who she is.
According to you, she never has been.
When you can't change someone else. You have to change yourself. You need to get professional counseling to help you to cope with your situation. Addicts cause misery to everyone around them. You can't spend your life worrying about a full-grown woman. You call her only to argue.
Nagging her to seek help hasn't worked, and never will. If she denies her problem, it's not your problem. It's hers.
You're going to have to seek your own help, to deal with being the daughter of an addict. Possibly, an unloving mother. She is lost and in pain. Things you don't know about. There are hundreds of support-groups around the country. Join one.
You have to live regardless of the fact she is throwing her life away. That's an unfortunate reality for some people.
Some extreme event will have to force your mother to give-up drug abuse. She has to lose everything she values and be forced to find the help she needs to regain her life. Sometimes family interventions help. That's mostly on television. In reality, a series of terrible events will have to pound some sense into her. It usually will involve law enforcement; or an extreme medical emergency. Counseling will get you through it all. It's her life.
Be supportive, not judgmental. At your age, it's the best you can do. Children are not required to raise their parents. It's the other way around. Live your own life and find your happiness. Try and stay connected with other family members. You make no mention of whether you have a good relationship with anyone else in your family. There is no magic cure for your mother. So you get closer to other relatives.
If you can, let that compensate for the lack of having a relationship with your mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): Respect her wishes and mind your own business when it comes to her life.
Remember who the mother is here OP and stop giving her shit (trying to help).
It's not on you to help a person who doesn't want help, and if she's nasty and abusive part of that could be that you're being too sanctimonious. Nothing pisses off an addict more than a person who never stops shoving it in their face how horrible a person they are, because that's all you do when you try to help because that's what their addiction is to them.
There's also the possibility you're her enabler, picking up the pieces so she never hits rock bottom and never has any incentive to change.
I know it's hard, but you have to start distancing yourself emotionally from her addictions, they're not your problem. Distancing yourself emotionally from those addictions does not mean abandonment, nor anything like that. Probably the hardest thing for her is knowing what it does to you, she may even be turning to them to cope with the fact that you can't let go and they have such a negative effect on you.
Op if you truly want to mother her then be an example to her, do well in your life, be happy, become the woman you want to be and she'll take care of herself. This is not some kind of disease, this is a choice she's making and when the time comes and you can, you will help her. But until then just try and keep away from the addictions thing when you talk to her. Stop shoving that in her face. Focus on your life and keep tabs on her if you like but learn to let go of her addiction. You shouldn't be living with it, she's made these choices for her and will only give them up for her too.
Op you've had to deal with this too long now, all your life. You need to focus on you, and the others are right. You should focus on the only person you can do anything for which is yourself. It can't have been easy getting to where you are now, she's been doing this for long enough to know everything there is to know about what she's doing. It's her life and you have to let her live it her way no matter how bad it may get. Some people never outgrow this kind of long term addiction and even if they do they just become what we in Ireland call a "dry drunk", meaning even if she sobered up she'd still be the kind of person she is while an addict.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Here's the website to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org
I would also encourage you to go to the college counseling service and ask them for help there too. The good news is that you have resources available to you, you just need to tap into them.
A friend of mine who had an alcoholic husband was told by her therapist to think of her family as a little set of boats tied together, floating on the sea. When one boat is being pulled under because of alcoholism, the other boats have a choice to either go under with them, or cut the ropes that bind them together.
If your mother is endangering you because of her mental/medical/drug/alcohol issues then you need to take steps to protect yourself from her.
So go find a meeting through the website I provided and start from there. Best wishes for your future.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I am married to an addict/alcoholic. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN do but take care of yourself till SHE is ready to get help.
I suggest www.alanon.org for a way to find support groups. You can learn why you need to be apart from your mom, why being apart is healthy for you... and how to not feel guilty about taking care of yourself (which is what you are doing and that's great)
Adult children of alcoholics are at a huge risk to become addicts/alcoholics too. My husband is an ACOA. So is my BFF but she is not addicted. she watches it carefully so it can be managed.
Contact the Alanon website and look for meetings.
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