A
female
age
26-29,
*rixie66
writes:I keep pushing my boyfriend away and it’s because I know he doesn’t need me. Is he just with me for the sake of it? We’ve been going out for about 15 months now..he’s 6 years older than me and the first year or so was amazing...we were well and truly in the honey moon phase for that whole year, we were going out and doing things every time we saw eachother but then I moved in, covid happened along with all the restrictions and furlough and since then it’s changed between us. I understand that being around eachother all the time must get a bit boring but I feel like I’ve become his mother and no longer feel like his partner...I do choose to do this because he lets me live with him for free while I chase my career...so to make up for it I do his washing cleaning and ironing etc. But now I’m just bored of my life...he seems to be going out and doing things with other people like his brother while I’m at home doing his chores. He tells me I don’t have to but I feel obligated to. And I push him away...I tell him I don’t want to spend time with him (even though I do...but I don’t want to let him know that because it’s like I’m always at his beck and call which isn’t attractive) so I lie and tell him I’ve got better things to be doing...although I actually haven’t, and sit around over thinking like I am now. He just shrugs it off though and continues, happy as Larry and that really bothers me!! I’m sat here miserable and bored and he’s always out there doing something without me, not even giving me a second thought. For instance, he has gone on a road trip today with his brother and has gone for some breakfast before hand which is something that me and him would have done back in the day... that was our thing. He did invite me don’t get me wrong, but I told him he doesn’t need me there if he has his brother, I can stay home and tidy or go shopping. Yet he didn’t even fight it he just said “well I would have liked you to come too but if you would rather not then that’s fine”. He would never be ok with me not coming on a day out before!! And before he left he asked me to wash his work clothes ready for next week if I don’t mind and I’m at home!!! I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate me anymore...he isn’t bothered about spending time with me...if he doesn’t do it with me he’ll find someone else to do it with :(I know I shouldn’t push him away but I can’t help it...I feel so resentful and lonely in this relationship and I’ve told him this and he just blames it on life being busy...but actually, am I in the wrong for pushing him away and wishing he would read my thoughts?? I love him but should I just let him go and find someone who is as on the go and as extroverted as him? I am a massive introvert so we are poles apart anyway!In addition he does things that make me feel unwanted such as...falling asleep on the sofa downstairs so I have to come to bed alone, if we’re sitting down with a box set he’s on his phone, he occasionally likes other girls pictures on Facebook...all of this adds up and makes me feel crap and I’m beginning to become a grumpy girlfriend.
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female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (6 October 2020):
 Hi
I really hope this helps you!!!
It sounds tricky. He is in the wrong either way whether hes with you or going out with his brother or friends. It sounds like you should do the same and have a relaxing night out and chill for abit. Granted sometimes in relationships we lose contact with friends but you should really keep up with them. They will help you. Youre probably grumpy and worrying too much and its normal.
I would have a heart to heart rather than letting this continue there is no need for a break up it sounds like you two are a normal cosy couple who need some fresh air after this virus. I would tell him your fears and see if hes capable of understanding you ... im sure he is!!! I have faith in you two.
Take care
Samantha
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): You are the one pushing him away. When you didn't go to breakfast with him and his brother because he didn't "need you there" is incredibly childish and passive aggressive.
You're he didn't need you there but he wanted you there and that's the important thing.
Keep creating this childish drama and your relationship will be over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): You have tried too hard to be the ‘perfect girlfriend’. Cooking for him, cleaning for him etc. Maybe hoping that he will see you as the ‘perfect woman and you do sooo much for him that he will never leave you’. And as usual it has backfired. You now feel unappreciated and unloved. You clearly are very insecure. He has invited you out - you said no. And now you are upset that he didn’t fight for you to go out with him? Why should he? You are a grown woman and can make your own decisions. It was your choice - and now you feel unloved. He probably doesn’t fight anymore because he has given up as you always say no. Or because he is now comfortable in the relationship and doesn’t need to spend ALL his time with you. That is normal - the honey moon period doesn’t last forever.You are doing this to yourself. You are pushing him away because your insecurities tell you he doesn’t want to be with you so you push him away before he can push you away. You need to find your voice. Stop being scared that he will leave you and put your bloody foot down. If you don’t want to stay in and do the chores then don’t. If you want to go out with him and his brother then bloody go. Believe me he wouldn’t of asked if he didn’t want you there. And all this nonsense about him ‘not needing you’. HE IS A GROWN MAN!!!Of course he doesn’t need you. He can want you in his life, but not need you. You don’t need him either. You should never NEED someone in your life. That is desperate, insecure and stupid. Are you sure your not bored, lonely and upset because you are envious of him? He goes out with his friends and has a laugh while you stay home and clean. That is not his problem - that is yours. Go out with friends, start a hobby - so something with your life other than clean. Get a life outside of your relationship. It’s not healthy to revolve your life around another person. You NEED him and that is sad. A partner should be an enhancement to your life, not your WHOLE life. You either accept that you are two separate people or you find someone more suited to you. Stop putting all the blame on him for you feeling bored and lonely and do something about it. Simple. Take responsibility for your life
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 October 2020):
 It appears (to me at least) that you feel jealous if he chooses to spend time with anyone but you yet, ironically, you push him away when he wants to spend time with you. Given what is going on with lockdowns, etc, I believe it is even more important than usual to spend time with people whenever the opportunity presents itself.
You do not mention any friends. Have you kept in contact with any friends or have you, as I suspect from the contents of your post, let your friendships slide because you have been focusing all your attention on your relationship with your boyfriend? Just because you are a couple does not mean you should lose contact with other people.
Can you renew friendships so you have someone beside your boyfriend to connect with? I appreciate it's not easy at the moment but there is nothing to stop you phoning or facetiming friends for a chat.
I can't understand why you expect your boyfriend to be able to read your mind. Can you read his? If you say you don't want to go somewhere with him, he will just assume you would rather be at home because you have not told him anything different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Who's idea was it to move-in together? Yours, or his? Honeypie is correct, you did move-in too soon!
Within a year or so, relationships settle-in and settle-down; and things become somewhat routine and predictable. Your entire post makes very little sense. It is illogical to push someone away; and then complain that they're detached and unavailable. You complain about doing things for him; when he says you don't have to. He invites you out, and you say you don't want to go. Then maybe you should spend more time seeking employment. It will fill-in your idle-time. You can also take free online-courses related to your field of work, to keep your job-skills sharp. That's becoming a trend.
Move back home, or get your own place. You're the one pushing him away. You're the one who seems to find fault with the relationship. He is as active as quarantine restrictions allow; while covid-confinement changes life and our habits somewhat. We all have to make some adjustments to adapt our relationships and ethos to the reality of the times. Liking girls on Facebook is too adolescent and petty to deserve any serious discussion. How about suggesting he not do it, if it bothers you?
If your relationship can't evolve, endure, and adapt; then perhaps it has run its course. You're feeling the effects of isolation; and being unable to do what you're used to doing.
You internalize rather than verbalize. If you are not straightforward and adult enough to communicate your concerns, don't expect anyone to read your mind. If you lie and deny something is bothering you, then how do you expect to fix anything? He can't revolve his whole world around you, nor should you around him. You need friends, should try to maintain regular contact with your own family; and you need some intellectual-stimulation to give yourself something constructive to do, aside from housekeeping and domestics. You're frustrated with your unemployment, and you're projecting it onto the relationship. He's not the problem. You're used to having a job, working, and being independent. Relationships can't fulfill everything we need in our lives. You're not cutout to be a "housewife!"
You're unhappy about your joblessness; and the side-effect is finding the relationship unfulfilling. Then let him know, breakup, and move-out.
Learn how to effectively communicate with your partner. Good communication is vital to keep all relationships (family, marriage, romantic, professional) healthy, strong, and durable. Be honest and get things off your chest; it's very unhealthy to bottle things up. That leads to resentment, which then leads to an angry outburst. You'll say more than you should say when that happens; and sometimes apologies won't repair the damage. It can also cause depression and anxiety from pent-up frustration.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Love is not about needing the other person, but some people, lie you, are reassured that their object of love won't leave them if they are needed. And that's pretty exhausting. Because, in the end they either chose independent adults they REALLY like and then have hard time with their fear of abandonment because they do not feel needed OR they chose people who need them they quickly start to resent.Also, this fear of abandonment make these people do stuff for their objects of love that they wouldn't normally do. This too leads to resentment. You need to understand that it's all in your head, the bfs you chose and the relationships you have with them are only a consequence.You need to deal with this "need to be needed" and fear of abandonment and the need for your partner to keep doing things to reassure you emotionally. This will exhaust you AND him. Maybe you could benefit from therapy? This doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you, what I suggested. It means that since you are the one who "created" the problem, you are also the one who can solve it.Focus on yourself, empower yourself, get some knew skills, go out do stuff... or stay at home and do stuff (I forgot about the pandemic for a sec).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 You moved in too soon.
Secondly, YOU are creating the distance not him, YOU presume that he doesn't need you. So to avoid him rejecting YOU, you "reject" and push him away first.
He shouldn't HAVE to tell or ASK or BEG you twice to come have breakfast with him and his brother. You turned him down and HE treated you like an EQUAL adult and didn't make a fuss about you saying no, you don't NEED me there. Of course he doesn't NEED you there to have breakfast, but he WANTED you there. For whatever reason, YOU are now NITPICKING everything about HIM because YOU are unhappy about you.
Shit or get off the pot here, OP
If you don't FEEL the same any more, maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a place to live. To GET a job, chase your "career" (whatever that means) on the side. BE independent.
You made the mistake of doing ALL the house chores to show him what a GREAT pick you are. And then decided all this "choring" isn't what I want to be doing, you blame him! That is kind of unfair.
HE CAN'T READ your mind.
I'd say if you WANT to BE with this guy, tell him. TALK to him. Don't presume he understands what you are going through.
And even if you STILL care and STILL want to date him maybe move out. If you want to stay living with him, then TALK to him, tell him what's going on. And accept culpability.
Him occasionally looking and liking at other woman on Facebook, it's neither here nor there. But it can't be nice seeing.
Him not engaging with YOU want to "binge watch" a WHOLE box set that he might already have seen or isn't a fan off... I get that it is annoying for you. And yes, he COULD put the phone away for a movie and cuddle on the couch, I agree but a WHOLE box-set? Maybe play cards, backgammon, something FUN where you BOTH have to focus and interact? It honestly feel more like you are the kid who is placed in front if the telly with a box-set so HE can get some peace and quiet.
STOP picking up for him. SURE you can help out around the house if you live there for free. I think that is a given, but that doesn't mean you OWE him to be his live in maid. YOU chose that role to show him gratitude AND to show off how good a GF you are. Now TALK and decide what you want to do next.
I know with Covid it can be hard to go out and do things. But... going for a walk is still allowed, obviously going for breakfast is allowed. Be creative!
You are becoming the Grumpy GF because YOU are unhappy with YOU, so figure out how to work on that and FIX it.
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