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writes: confused about my marriage and my loveri had an affair with a guy at work whose fancied me for 3 years. Cant explain how it all started but we ended up telling eachother how we felt about one another, we kissed, spent the night together. nothing seedy - very romantic and amazing. problem is that i am married of 11 years and he is engaged of 7 years. i left my husband for him, he left his fiancee. we were planning on starting a life together. 4 months went by and his ex-fiancee hurt herself purposely. this drove me insane so i thought the best way to end all the pain was to send my lover back to his fiancee. he didnt want that - i hurt him so much. i ended up going back to my husband but it was for the wrong reasons. since then i have ended my marriage twice but my lover is trying again with his fiancee because he thought i was trying again with my husband. now i am so upset - i cant accept the fact he doesnt want me anymore. he said he still loves me very much and does want me but he cant hurt her again and end it with her. i dont know what to do anymore. if i try with my husband again and it doesnt work, all im doing is prolonging his pain. i care for my husband and i do love him but i feel i am not in love with him - if that makes any sense? am i just in love with the thought of my new lover - am i giving up too much too soon? please help me - i've lost 3 stone in weight with all the worry and stress.
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reader, auntiebunny +, writes (10 May 2006):
 Not to sound harsh but i think the victims in this story are your husband and your lover's fiancee. I'm sure (well i hope) neither of you meant to hurt them but I'm sure neither of them deserve this amount of indecision!! Even if this man is not the one for you it's not right to use your husband like this. it seems you keep picking him up when there's nothing better on offer and dropping him when there is. i can understand your stress- it's a tough decision to be in, but you're not the only person in your marriage, and ditto in your lover's case. clearly you're not happy in your marriage and you need to break up with your husband in order to assess whether or not your lover is the one for you. even if he isnt, then you're in the position to figure out what exactly it is that you do want. it's a big step i know, but a necessary one in order to ensure happiness for everyone involved. i hope you have the courage to do the right thing, good luck xxx
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female
reader, Aunt Ivy +, writes (9 May 2006):
First of all can I say that you sound so unhappy and confused that I am concerned about your health. You don't mention whether you have children, but if you do they need to be considered when you finally decide what to do.
You may not know whether you love your husband, but I think that you are very lucky to have a husband that must love you. He took you back after you had an affair and left home. You need to ask yourself why you went back? Was it for love or was it just for security, somewhere to stay whilst you wait for ex to commit it you?
If you decide that you want to stay with your husband I would suggest changing jobs and having no further contact with your ex lover. Your marriage has got no chance of surviving whilst you are still in contact with him.
I don't feel that your ex lover is ever going to leave his partner permanently. Does he love her, or is he staying with her out of pity or guilt because she hurts herself for attention? He is always going to have a problem with her but do you really want to be part of that problem?
It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a marriage but if you do feel that you no longer love your husband and you don't want to be with him it may be the only solution.
Maybe you need to spend some time on your own away from both men and sort out your feelings. Go out with girlfriends and have some fun!
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