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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear cupid agony aunt, Before I begin, I'd like to point out that I am a (perhaps excessively) caring and considerate man, and so advising me to simply 'leave and move on' will unfortunately be useless. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now, and what started as a perfect romance has gradually dwindled (as relationships do) into a rather dull, for want of a better description, marriage (I mean this descriptively, we're not actually married). Now, to put things in context, I'm a young man, just finished my first year of university and moving onto to my second in September. My girlfriend is a year younger, but also in the same position university wise. The trouble is that she has had a very bad upbringing due to her parent's overt religiosity, and therefore is extremely naive and vulnerable. Over the last year or so I've been having dreams about a girl I knew before meeting my girlfriend, and whom I much desired and was shortly romantically linked to. These dreams aren't sexual, but rather are of a loving nature - more or less where I meet her again (our contact ended at the end of school), and we instantly fall in love together. Of course, I would never tell my girlfriend of these dreams, and have not told anyone else about them either - but they do bother me for a long time after I have them. Any advice would be fully welcomed - leaving my girlfriend may well be catastrophic to her, who seemingly is untroubled about our being together and who, without my being with her, may well be bullied down again by her parents (who she is terrified of). But on the other hand, can I stay with her when I'm in this situation? I should add that I'm not completely unhappy with my girlfriend, I am not with her simply for her sake - but in all honesty, I don't think I'm as happy as I should be.Please help.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 Dreams are what they are - dreams.. driven by your own unconscious thoughts, and desires, intangible, they do not take into account the fact that other people involved in those dreams are living their own lives, and may well be out of reach, and following their own dreams - which probably do not involve you..people who have possibly changed, out of all recognition, from the ones which you once desired.
One's mind will always wander,in boredom, to pastures new, where the proverbial grass is greener, but in reality, things could well be different, feelings far removed from the fondness you once had for her.
Look again at your real girl. She may well be the object of another man's dreams, affecting him in just the same way. Remember why you fell for her in the first place. All relationships have their high points, and lows, too. Perhaps you have settled into a dull routine, and have stopped doing new and exciting things together. Examine your lives, and see if you can address this. No matter who you are with, if you do not get out of a rut, it does not matter - you could be with the woman of your dreams, but if life has become dull, don't blame the person you are with, blame the situation, and DO something about it!
No one person is ultimately responsible for anothers' happiness - each and every one of us is responsible for our own, and can only contribute to another's. Anything else just serves to breed resentment. Remember this also, should you decide to leave.
I do hope you decide to give it another go with your girl. She deserves to be happy, be it with you - or another.
A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 Seems tough. Been there before. I had the same feelings before and found that everything that I desired in that other person I already had at home. The thing is you're more hung up on what could have been or what might have happened. If you truly value your girlfriend than I suggest you talk to her. I'm not saying to tell her about these dreams of another woman but about your relationship. Its obvious you're not going to leave so work harder at the relationship that you have. Put this other woman to rest. You're only hurting yourself by thinking about it and not doing anything. I hope this helps. Good Luck.
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