A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in desperate need for advice, I have no one to talk to and am in a dilemma. I really do not know what to do. I am 40 years old (a young looking 40 year old, so people say) I have been married for 14 years and been with my husband for 20. We have twins, a boy and a girl aged 9, who we love dearly. He is currently self employed and so am I.When we first met, he was a gentleman to me and I was a virgin, we went to the cinema occasionally, but he was not the outgoing type and I would often visit him at home or he would visit mine (I was in love). Anyway the problem started maybe about 7 years ago. He was working as a printer for a newspaper, he would often work long hours, he never took myself or the children anywhere, even to his family gatherings, still doesn't (I have no close family, both parents are dead), yet he would often visit his friends or family himself. I would often take the children out myself including his family gatherings and trips to legoland, child activities etc etc still do. Never went anyway myself (I worked full time up until 5 years ago). He constantly gets parking ticket, speeding tickets, he refuses to pay them, therefore the fines incur interest and bailiffs are constantly at our door (as his wife) I was helping him pay off these huge sums, asking him to pay me back, but no whenever I ask for the money he gets angry and says he will pay, but does not. He cannot get a loan, therefore, I got him one about five years ago, but he sometimes misses payments, so they are constantly calling for the missed payments. He has also stolen from me. He is also building a house abroad, so goes abroad twice year, therefore any money he has, he sends abroad for this house. I paid for his fare about two years ago, he still paying this off, but has on several occasions missed payments, so up to now they are chasing me. (I have seen the light an no longer offer to pay). I am now working part time, I still pay half the bills, childrens clothes, activities and school trips etc. Also he is not a touchy feely person and does not like holding hands or kissing (intimately) He is not an emotional person, so does not show his love in that way, but he constantly wants to be intimate and I do not, so find any excuse to avoid it. He does clean around the house, cook and plays with the kids when he is at home, but does not do anything with me.Anyway about one year ago, I got another temporary part-tme job, I got on so well with everyone there, it was so good. However there was one particular guy I became friendly with, we also shared the same hobby and I found myself becoming attracted to him and feel that he was also attracted to me too (he is 28 with a girlfriend and baby). He constantly wanted me to go to lunch with him and this hobby, sometimes I did, but on many occasions I didn't. I remained professional, I remained strong and never let my feeling known. However after seven months the company let me go as they were making their permanent staff redundant and no longer needed me. I remain in contact with this guy, we text eachother and email eachother. He invited me to an event, I couldn't go and he was so very disappointed, he said he wanted to see me. I miss him alot and would love to see again, I am constantly thinking about him, but I do not want to go down that road, he has a girlfriend and baby and I have a husband and children and am far too old for him. The problem is though, I don't think I am in love with my husband, I care about him and meeting this guy has made me realise that not all men are like him. I feel like im missing something, I now feel life is too short and you have to enjoy it, I am still young in spirit now want to go out(maybe once/twice a month and enjoy life (I do so with the kids, but also some time on my own). I have spoken to my husband on many occasions about my feelings of being unhappy, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to change and he refuses to do anything about it. When I want to go out, he will not reach a compromise over looking after the kids, therefore I cannot go out, yet he can go out whenever he wants. He doesn't see anything wrong. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): I am so sorry that you have put up with this behavior for so long. You have wasted some of the best years of your life on this dead beat of a husband of yours. The only good thing that I can see that has come from your marriage is your two beautiful children.
This is a classic case of resentment. This has been going on for a very long time. When it first arose, you looked over it and continued to do what you thought was right. Now that you have continued to tolerate this behavior, you are now bitter and resentful towards your husband. You now want to enjoy your life like he is enjoying his.
I want to also point out that some of those red flags were there that you chose to ignore. You stated that in the beginning of the relationship, you only went to the cinema occasionally and he either visited you at your home or you visited him at his. That was a sign that he didn't really want to go anywhere with you in a public setting. Only occasionally. He doesn't have to be outgoing to enjoy outings with you. I find that type of behavior questionable. When you are on a date, it's only the two of you. To me it seems that he was already aloof with you.
I am going to wrap this up, your husband is selfish. From the very beginning he didn't really try to do anything with you. He has been using you for financial gain, he doesn't care about your needs. He has no problem just using you to "get off" and not caring about your sexual satisfaction. He makes sure that he goes out, relax, and have fun, but gets an attitude when you want some time to yourself. No offense, but your husband is a prick. He does not want to change anything in the marriage, because everything that is going on is to his benefit and not to yours.
As far as this guy goes, forget about him for now. You are only attracted to him because of your problems at home. That is usually how it happens. If you were happy, you wouldn't take a second look at him. I know at this time it hasn't become physical, but it's emotional. That is still just as bad. He is also in a committed relationship himself. You are getting into another bad situation because he is asking you out and texting you behind his girl's back. He is no better that your husband. He has l cheating ways. Don't even talk to him anymore. Don't fall for him more than what you have.
If you no longer want to be with your husband, it's best that you get a divorce. There is no need for you to stay because your children will pick up on your pain, anger, and resentment towards your husband. It's best to raise them in two healthy households than in one unhappy one. I think that you should take some time to yourself if you decide to leave. The reason for that is so that you can heal and attract better men than what you do. The guy have a "spark" with is unavailable to you just like you husband. Just a different kind unavailability. Go and get your life back. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 If the marriage is as bad as you say, leave it, why spend the rest of your life in such an unhappy unfullfilling relationship, so leave.
BUT, and here is the big thing, do not leave the marriage to start something new with the person you feel the spark with! That is not the best way to end a relationship or to start a new one. Also not the best thing for your children. You need to live on your own for a little while first, while the kids get used to the fact. Do not introduce this new man to them straight away, wait a few months at least. Get your life back on track, make sure your kids are doing okay and then you can introduce any new people to them.
Plan your moves, recognise the needs of all concerned, especially your kids, understand you dont want them to think you dumped their dad for a different bloke, this will only cause them to question your motives, but if you move out to make a better life for you and them they will be much more understanding and supportive.
Good Luck
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