A
female
age
41-50,
*amaD
writes:I don't think I like my husband anymore. It's a sad thing to say out loud, but I just don't know what else to say. We have been married 10 years (just had our anniversary) we've been together for 17. We have 2 beautiful boys 7 and 5. We,ve always had our ups and downs, but this past year we have had lots of downs. I've been really down in the dumps, to the point of wondering if I need medication. I am unhappy with myself. I have gained 80lbs in the last 10years which is a big problem (no pun intended). I work hard, I am an independent contractor so since our kids have been born I have made it a point to be with them. My husband and I were in agreement that we didn't want someone else raising our kids in a daycare and working just to be able to pay the bill. So I work when my husband's home or when a Grandma can take care of them. I do all of the housework, I do all the grocery shopping and the bills. I don't always do a good job at the money because we always seem to fight when there's a problem, ie, a bill is late or big or there's no money to go off to do whatever he wants to do. So I don't do a very good job at it because I'm always so anxious about it. I'm left to find a sitter ifi have to work and he has something else planned. Our house needs so many repairs, which he starts and bitches about having to do and then never completes them. I am fat, I hate being fat, I am in a funk, I hate being in a funk. Not sure how to start getting a better grasp on a happy life.My husband is so negative about everything. He's always crabby, he says he loves me, but he seems miserable. I can't think that all our problems come from more excessive weight gain. I'm just so unhappy and I don't know what to do.Would I be happier if he were gone? I do love it when he's at work or gone on an outing w/his friends. I'm just frustrated. We always said we would never divorce (we bith came from that) but it seems to just be awful latley around here.Anyone have any advice for an oldFeeling housewife???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): One problem at a time. Start with the weight loss. This is the one thing that you, and only you, have complete control over, because it is your own body. Usually the more pounds you have to lose, the faster those first few pounds come off. You will gain motivation to further improve your family and gain happiness after you start to see those first few pounds come off, and the other good part about this, is that your husband seeing you slim down should also give HIM some motivation to start doing more things around the house too :) Try it. You will love life after that, with a new boost of self-confidence and the make-over and new wardrobe you will give yourself. And even if its Goodwill stuff, being able to fit into new thinner clothes will feel awesome, and hopefully give a boost not only to your happiness but it will spill over to everyone in the house, because emotions are contagious, and men love beautiful women.
For some reason, I don't know why, but your post reminded me of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes... Seriously, do watch it. You might find you can relate to it, and it might even inspire you. Love your life, love your family, smile and be happy every step of the way. :)
As far as losing weight is concerned, my own personal advice is this. Do what works best for you. It is not necessary to listen to this diet or that one. If you hate to count calories, don't count them, as long as you know you're eating less than before. If you can't exercise, no biggie, if its because you're busy all day long.... and don't worry about hunger. It's ok to be hungry when you're on a diet. The only thing to worry about is low blood sugar. Don't eat so little that you start to feel light headed but don't pay attention to every hunger pang. The best thing for hunger pangs that come too soon before meal time is to ignore them, drink liquids, especially hot liquids like teas or broths, and keep yourself physically moving, i.e. cooking cleaning... or even just mentally busy. These are the best two ways to deal with hunger pangs: again, keep moving and busy and occupied, and drink lots of liquids.
And when its meal time, reward yourself by allowing yourself to eat slowly, chew thoroughly, and actually ENJOY your food. All too often we scarf food down in big amounts, and then we still feel hungry because - this is a scientific fact - it takes the stomach about 20 minutes to half an hour to register fullness.
Also, a big reason why people eat a lot these days is because too many people don't eat quality food. The less nutritious the food you eat, the more food your body will crave, in order to get adequate nutrition. Another scientific fact. So pass on the french fries, and pick something with more good stuff in it, like beans and rice, broccoli and cheese, or whatever appeals to your tastebuds. Pass on the high-cal full ice cream, and go for a popsicle instead. Dont fry your meat, grill it or bake it, or steam it. Eat more seafood, and grill or bake or steam it, don't fry it. Eat a big fresh salad before you eat anything else at a meal. It gives your stomach a chance to fill up on something really healthy and low-cal to begin with. (Remember the 20 minute stomach rule).
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that in order for you to be happy with your life, you need to start paying more loving attention to yourself and the people you love. It's that simple. When you stub your toe and it hurts, you give it medical attention. Same with your life... follow the pain, to where it leads you, and give those areas in your life medical attention.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): What you are describing is the first step towards entering into the most painful and chaotic experience any human being can endure. Worse than the death of a loved one, worse than the death of a child, the long agonizing road you are about to embark on will leave nothing but ruin and ashes in its wake.
I'm going to give you a link that will take you to the one place that can save you from all of that agony.
While this road doesn't always go through the infidelity route, there is only one place that I've found that describes it accurately and in full. This author comes from a perspective of addressing infidelity in the female partner, but in her analysis can be found an incredible amount of information that should be made mandatory reading for all couples. It's unfortunate that she had such a narrow scope when she started this project, but between the two books she's published on the matter, she's entirely changed my world view, saved my marriage, and possibly my life.
There is hope.
http://womensinfidelity.com/
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