A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know I am not the first female in the world to have an issue with strip clubs but my boyfriend lied to me for 6 months and I had to force the truth out of him before he confessed to going to one on a stag night. I told him from the outset of our relationship that I find the whole concept degrading and that it would affect our sex life (my self esteem) because I see it as a form of cheating. It cheapens the whole intimacy of a relationship and blurs boundaries - that is my thoughts. However he is claiming because we were apart for several months he 'didn't think we had much of a relationship' because we had gone through a bad patch (although not split up)but just by circumstances had to be apart. This comment, combined with the lie (I can remember asking him if he'd been to a strip club when he mentioned the stag and he said no) has taken something away from our relationship - trust. I am fighting to keep my respect for him and cannot get images of naked women with legs spread in front of my boyfriends face out of my head when I contemplate our own sex life which is having a bad effect. He has told me that I am the one with the problem and to 'get over it' and that my issues about my self esteem are nothing to do with his visit to a strip club. I feel hurt and yet I am made to feel I have to put up with this and just move on. Its easy for him to do that - but not me. This is not the first lie he has told (under the guise of protecting our relationship)and now I feel like I will discover something else. I have begun to feel anxious and withdrawn because I have no way of talking it out with him - he just gets angry with me for bringing up the subject. I don't know whether I can forgive him or forget. I also feel that my boyfriend is 5 years younger than me and is still up for this kind of thing but I just don't want a boyfriend that considers that ok.
View related questions:
cheap, move on, self esteem, sex life, split up, stag Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Daveeeeeee  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 My god ! what an incredible over reaction ..No wonder he gets angry ..Big Deal , so he has attended a strip club ..LIGHTEN UP GIRL ! this really is Crazy .
There are some problems you are 5 years older than him , this always presents problems you are nearly a " cougar " , the man should always be older than the female , men mature at a different rate ..dont kid your self this isn't true .
You are trying to fight nature ! men enjoy multiple partners and being teased , great lap dancing is sensual , sexy , seductive ..and absolutely incredible ..this is a fact .
Your incredible over reaction however , makes me believe that the relationship is doomed ..But remember ALL guys like strip clubs , and if they say " NO they dont " ..they either haven't been or are lying ..
But also remember , women at male stripping are FAR FAR worse behaved than the other way around , the guys leave feeling like there penis's are going to drop off .
For the sake of all ..Calm down and lighten up .
A
female
reader, Auntie Jez +, writes (25 January 2009):
I am so sorry for you honey, you have fallen into a classic male trap - 'because we were apart for several months he 'didn't think we had much of a relationship' because we had gone through a bad patch (although not split up)but just by circumstances had to be apart. ' That is his excuse and he will stick to it like glue! The minute a guy can claim that you were not in the relationship then that gives him the excuse to do anything he knows that you would not approve of. Other well known ones are 'I was drunk' ' I did not know we were going there' - if he is the groom ' My best man organised it' ' I could not let the lads down' ' I dont remember what happened' blah blah blah.Men are simple creatures - He did not tell you as he knew he would get into trouble and he (in his mind) has a valid excuse, you will never shift this reasoning in him.Try this website it may help you: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/I think you must think like a man plain and simple!.....jack him in and get a decent bloke. There are plenty about. A leopard does not change his spots.Remember men like rules... be striaghtforward from the start - what is acceptable, what is not, be black and white with absolutely no margin for excuses from him. Dont threaten unless you will carry it out...If you ever say ' its over if you.......' you MUST STICK TO IT or you will lose his respect.Auntie Jez
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): You poor poor girl. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly the same has recently happened to me. my partner of ten years went, twice with his friends, not even for stag dos, in fact one night was the night of my fortieth birthday celebrations, which i excused him coming to as he hates family gatherings and i had some family coming. There was a pact not to tell me, which one swiftly broke whilst trying to convince me he was a better prospect, apparently it had to be kept secret from me as i am unreasonable about such things and would over react!! We had been through a rocky patch recently, although we d just come back from a lovely holiday together when he went for the first time, and apparently that was part of the reason for his going, he didnt see ours as some fairy tale romance, shame it took 9 years for him to not see it as such. I ve had all the other excuses, of course in a club its not cheating, paying for it makes it 100% not cheating, IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, and of course he wouldnt mind at all if i did it!! How many male lap dancing clubs have you heard of?? What would be the point of a naked man grinding in a females lap?? What do we have there to stimulate?? ever seen a male sucking his own nipples?? ever been turned on by a man rubbing his chest on your face?? Funny i cannot see the comparison. Then of course theres the extras on offer....only my partner of course wasnt offered any and is positive that kind of thing only happens abroad.. the poor disillusioned soul, funny that after speaking to my local hospital i was strongly advised to visit a sexual health clinic for every test they had on offer.....and i was naieve i thought you only caught diseases through penetrative sex, NOT SO!! those clubs are full of bacteria that gets passed on the hands and through the mouths, not a nice thought but a fact. Again although my partner paid for private dances the poor unlucky soul wasnt taken to the private areas either, only to the other end of the club where nothing untoward could happen as people would see. This is where we strangely disagree. i find the naked lap dance betrayal and untoward enough. what normal woman in a monogamous relationship wants another woman stripping for her man?? then crawling all over him?? dry humping him(sorry not a term i like to use but again a nasty fact)putting nipples all over his face and in his mouth, standing in front of him and bending to the floor so he can see all she has to offer, and the most nasty move of all....the one knee on the chair and the other on his shoulder...try it...what is 1mm from his face?? Lap dance?? sorry in my book its prostitution, however to my partner it was a bit of wriggling and swaying before sending him on his way, unlucky for him im not stupid and painful as its been ive done my research.I too have the nightmares, the pictures in my imagination go over it again and again and again. So much so i woke up in an ambulance after taking every tablet in my house, and had apparently had a nervous breakdown, and believe me im usually a strong woman. i dont have any advice for you, its been 9 weeks since i found out and its still agony, if anything its getting worse not better, the more time you have the more you can think, my partner now says im obsessed and wants me to take medication..... men offering their advice cannot possibly understand, the fact they see intimacy and titllation as different things doesnt make your feelings wrong, any women offering advice that havent lived this hell also cannot possibly understand, and its the easiest thing in the world to tell someone to end a relationship, but what about the fact you love and have loved them, when you thought they were someone else?? and the self esteem thing, i know how that feels, and im in no way unattractive, but i still feel that way. If im so great why pay whores?? ive been told its two months now...get over it.......so as i said i have no advice...maybe you have some for me, take care, joanna
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): the male reader who says get used to it is a fool....women no longer have to put up with this crap and can demand better...its guys who think this is ok or that 'burning up sexual energy from another woman on their gf or wife are the losers...thats nothing more than using her as a masturbation device.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): yuk, why be with him?....sorry but there are plenty of guys who would never disrespect the woman they love like this.....and who would be more than satisfied with your body alone...why not free yourself up to find one.....else, imagine what it will be like having kids with this guy when pregnant and after with a mommy tummy...you'll feel even worse....find a guy who treats you like a princess...not this sleazebag
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): I completly agree with you it is cheap and the thought of him drooling over some little tramp is awful, but blokes don't see things as we do. He wouldn't have been comparing you nor would he want to be with a girl like that it's just pure fun. Plus many stag do's the other blokes don't tell the stag what they're planning so when they take him there, what do you expect him to do say "sorry lads my fiancee won't let me" He would have looked a total fool!! And you know how men have to save face and prove they're not under the thumb! You should seriously give him another chance, there's a lot worse he could have done. Don't bring it up in every argument either.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): As long as he dosen't go again. I think you should let it go but it's up to you. You made the rules clear at the start of the relationship. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (8 January 2009):
by the way girls, if you live in the UK the dream boys are amazing. and it's a great girly night out or hen night.
see nothing awful about it. just pure fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (8 January 2009):
no offence but it is only a strip club. it;s not like he went and cheated on you with someone or paid a hooker.
i don't get why people have such a problem with strip clubs. sure they are tacky and full of girls exploiting men for their money by rubbing on poles, but that's it. it's no different to a bunch of girls going to watch the dream boys or other male strippers.
you need to loosen up abit and show him you trust him by letting him go and have fun with the boys. after all it was a stag do, you can't expect a bunch of men not to have a stripper or 2. you either need to get over it or move on, but there is nothing to say that any other guy you come across won't also end up going to a strip club on a stag do. it's what a stag do is all about, men getting drunk, getting a lap dance or watching a pole dance and then being tied to a street lamp naked. it;s like a tradition.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): First things first... cheating is kissing or sex. Thats it. Nothing more.
Flirting, getting a lap-dance at mate's stag party (this is what happens at stag parties, always has and always will, so you best get used to it or find yourself a square) or even looking at porn is not cheating. It's not even meant to be a substitute for real sex with a real woman. It's just a bit of harmless fun.
You need to understand we guys can seperate titillation from intimacy very easily. You don't have to love someone to get a rush out of a lap-dance. Most men leave it the fuck at that and go home to their partners and burn off that sexual energy that the lapdance built up. A few unscrupulous types would cheat with a stripper because they got a boner from a stripper, but they aren't worth the time of day.
You need to calm down because at the end of the day, he still comes back to YOU. Not Candy the pole-dancing chick with double d's.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): You either forgive him or you end the relationship. You don't like what he has done, he doesn't see the problem, two different people. If you two can't compromise, if you can't learn to get these images out of your mind and heal your relationship, then perhaps it's best if you two split up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 January 2009):
I think the big factor in this is whether he voluntarily paid for a lap dance or not.
If he went to the club because everyone else did but sat by the bar and did nothing then I think you could cut him a bit of slack and although you don't like the idea of him being there, to just accept that it was a group thing and it meant nothing to him.
If he paid to have a woman gyrate over him then that is another matter completely and yes, I would be very unhappy if my husband did that, and I think I would see it as a form of cheating.
The girls in these clubs will only get naked and dance like that if you pay them to up front, it's not a free for all.
The most important thing I can advise you on is to make a decision and then move on. If you decide to forgive him then you have to do it and move on. Try to forget it happened.
If you decide you can't forgive him then although it is a small thing, you can't be with him. You can't stay in a relationship with someone you are angry / upset with.
Sit him down and tell him you want to sort it out once and for all and then you will never bring it up again. Get him to tell you HONESTLY what happened and whether he paid for a dance, was forced into it by peer pressure, or if he just sat at the bar.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
